With one joke, my day is shot to hell.

Today my son laughed so hard, he threw up. And really, if you’re going to throw up for any reason, isn’t that the best one? I got the call from school that I have dreaded since his first day. Your son threw up, the school administrator said. But he’s fine! Just a bout of uncontrollable laughter! So you probably don’t need to come get him. But of course I did, how could I leave my poor post-vomit boy at school? Wouldn’t he be tired, or sore, or freaked out?

In short: no. If he was upset about anything, it was that I dared show up and ruin his good time. The teacher recounted to me how the other children barely registered that one of their own had just upchucked all over the lunch table. One of them—put down your corn dog when you read this—continued to eat the grapes that Henry had just thrown up on. I hasten to add that they were not the actual soiled grapes, but the few pristine grapes remaining in the bunch. I ask you, who could be so totally unfazed? Only a bunch of preschoolers, that’s who. Those adorable nitwits.

Anyway, on the way home Henry cheerfully shared with me the hilarity that caused his sickness. Are you ready? He and his best friend had invented Peanut Butter Man, “which were like our fingers walking across the table.” And Peanut Butter Man had a special gun that squirted peanut butter at bad guys. “It’s a peanut butter gun,” said Henry, sensibly.

“No,” said his friend, “It’s a penis butter gun.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHhhhhhoooblluuuuugh.

The End.

Comments

[Leslie]

I'm not sure if Henry is really advanced or my sense of humor is on par with that of a four year old, but that one busted me up, too.

[Amy]

I've laughed at more than one penis butter gun in my day. Almost threw up once or twice too. AAAAALLLLMOST.

[Ryan]

I'm a 30-year-old guy and I'm totally using that joke. Thanks Henry!

[Em]

I hate when penis butter sprays on me.

(Gross!)

[CadyKansas]

I love how you totally captured the correct spelling of the sound of vomit.My son did that once too - choked on something while laughing and then puked allover the dinner table. It makes you appreciate tile floors just a little bit more.

[islaygirl]

sneaky! alice, you're sneaky!

that whole post about vomit and penises, and what were you actually saying? Henry's eating stuff. i don't know if grapes were on the old list. but he was eating them.

at least he was before he, uh, threw them up.

happy new year.

[Katie]

Am I the only one thinking that perhaps the child who ate the grapes (um, you know, after The Incident) should not be invited to future play dates? Keep Henry away from THAT KID. That kid and the glue eaters.

[Marcheline]

Now THAT was funny! And don't worry, when you're his age, puking at school gives you historic significance.

I still remember the kid that puked at my elementary school. His name was Tyler Weaver. And that was thirty years ago.

Henry's barf incident will be remembered always by his classmates, but as for me, I'm gonna remember the penis butter joke!

[Vanessa]

Haha! When my brother was about three, he went into the bathroom with his friend Renee, also about three. They came out and she announced to the room, "I saw J's peenack." Almost 25 years later, my mother and I still snicker over that one, so apparently our sense of humor hasn't developed much past the four-year-old level.

Anyway, glad to hear that the humor overshadowed the puking for Henry!

[Merry Jennifer]

Oh, great. So THAT is what I have to look forward to with a little boy. I'll enjoy the fact that my three-month old son can't yet talk.

You've got a little comedian on your hands. Maybe you should stock up on some phenergan - you may need it again!

Enjoying your posts...

[Lux Lisbon]

I don't get it.....

[Samantha Jo Campen]

That is brilliant. I too loved the grape situation.

So glad Henry had a good time.

And also? I now want a corndog.

[Kris H.]

Don't ya just LOVE boys! Son (about to turn 5) would probably laugh til he puked too! You will excuse me if I don't share it with him though... :0)

[Erika]

Tell Henry thanks for making my Monday morning a little brighter. :)

[birdgal]

Oh my God! I've actually done this! Trust me, you really CAN vomit from laughing too hard!

[Yoki]

What a wonderful child! Only four years old and in love with words.

[Laura]

I'm a 29 year old woman. And to this day - if I laugh too hard at something and I've eaten recently, I'll puke from laughing. And I don't mean choking while eating. I mean I'll laugh so hard I convulse and work myself up and then puke. Not something I readily admit - but alas the anonymity of commenting. Don't worry Henry will probably grow out of it. I'm just weird. And I agree - keep him away from the kid who continued to eat the grapes.

[alice]

Oh, but the grape-eating kid is his best friend! He also happens to be awesome. Gross, but awesome.