Why you should not fear Five.
September 19, 2007I do not wish to terrify my friends who live with children under five, or don't have any kids yet. I certainly don't want them to make life-altering changes due to my outbursts. Do not worry, friends! All is not horror and shrieking when the child becomes five! No, the five-year-old, at least the one at our house, often exhibits many charming and lovable behaviors. I would even say that these behaviors cancel out the awfulness, so even if you're exhausted and enraged, Five can turn it all around, sometimes within minutes. That's why we keep them around.
This is a small sampling of the Charms of Five. I'm sure there are more, but then, we're still three weeks away from official Five-dom:
1. He likes to be a helper. (Uh, usually.) Want someone to set the table? Five will do it! Need your surfaces dusted? Hand your five-year-old a damp cloth and he'll get to work! If you're having dinner and Five announces that he wants another glass of milk, guess who can go get it his own damn self? That would be Five! As long as you don't mind poorly folded napkins, dust streaks on most everything, and the occasional milk puddle, this new Helper is a wonderful person to have in the house. Especially if you're incredibly lazy, as I am.
2. He's a deep thinker. Five will ask many questions about, say, hypnosis (he didn't get it from me! I blame children's programming); when you answer them, he'll ask relevant and probing follow-ups. ("You mean it's like your brain is taken over? Can you make someone do whatever you want them to do?") Suddenly you realize you're having a conversation. With your child! It feels sort of miraculous.
3. He's ridiculously fun. One day your child's humor is relegated to poop jokes and puzzling squeaky noises, and the next he's performing uncanny impersonations of friends and family. He's rolling his eyes at you and uttering bon mots that you can't write down fast enough. And he can perform dance moves that leave you weak with laughter. When you walk to school, you don't just walk, you Leap Over Pools of Lava while Running From Double Agents. This, FYI, is an excellent way to get to school on time.
4. You can share cool things with Five. You can read books you remember loving when you were little; you can watch moviesand shows that don't make you want to retch into your cupped hands. No more television shows whose plots revolve around a loose shoelace or a broken cup. (Goodbye, Miffy, and GOOD RIDDANCE.) You can browse the Internet together for funny images. (If you want to make Five crack up, find pictures of hairless cats. You're welcome.)
5. He goes to SCHOOL. And then you can have some time to yourself, and get some work done, and also remember why Five isn't all bad.
Reader Comments (54)
Nine. Now nine jumps out of the van at school and when a hug or kiss is requested, nine looks at you like you have two heads then he brays, "naaaah!" and runs away. Although nine does still wave out the front window when you leave the house, because he will miss you.
I still miss five though.
Sulky and morose and generally quite grumpy.
(Oh, and you're awesome. Your honesty and wit is unparalleled. Thank you.)
I have four and a half. And he does get his own milk! And gets a toy for the baby! And actually held her hand so she could try walking... of course they were headed for the door out of the bookstore while I was trying to pay for 4 books and dropping twenty things and trying to have a phone call all at the same time. But wasn't it sweet he tried to help? Even if I ended up apologising to the bookstore guy, running across the store screaming like a fool, and almost left my phone there?
FYI: I found your link on Some Pig's blog. I can't stop looking at your header though. It's disturbingly awesome.
Of course, since I didn't grow out of it, it's unlikely he will, either. And reading Harry Potter at bedtime rather than a book with a truck or a train or the word "Disney" on the cover kicks ass.
Sadly, I don't get to enjoy the peace and quiet that school brings because I've quickly learned that my toddler is extremely demanding now that her big sister is no longer here to entertain her, but it's not too bad since she does at least nap!