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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Thank you. | Main | I leave for one week, and my son turns into a twelve-year-old. »
Thursday
Jul242008

What's going on.

Readers have asked me to write about Blogher, but I can't. I didn't have the BlogHer experience I wanted to have, and I can't pretend I did, and if I tried to relay my experience I don't think anyone would believe I was at the same conference as all those other amazing people who had such a great time. Because my experience had nothing to do with the conference, it had to do with me. There's something not right in here, and I don't know what the problem is.

What I know is that I'm filled with grief all the time, that I have tried the patience of my friends and family, that I have been less of a mother and wife than I want to be, that I'm terrified that I'm driving away the people I love, that I've barely eaten since I returned. I am sure anyone who saw me at BlogHer will be baffled by this post, because I do an excellent job of hiding in plain sight. But since then something has broken open, and I can't hide. Right now I wish more than anything I could take back the decision to go to this conference, take back the last few months, start over and give you whatever you're here looking for, the anecdote or joke or relief from your day that you probably expect, instead of this sopping mess who's struggling to compose these crappy paragraphs. Even writing this seems awful and self-indulgent, but if I can't be honest here and get this out I will never write here again. I'm barely hanging on, and I'm trying to make sense of what happened to me. Of what's still happening to me.

Please be patient with me as I try to get to the other side of this. I know I will, but getting there means wading through a stunning level of pain and I don't like it one bit.

Reader Comments (324)

Alice, I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now. Love.
July 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
I'm sorry you are in such a bad place, I wish you peace and strength as you find your way out.
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChris (mombie)
Oh Alice. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and I hope that you get some comfort from seeing how many people are rooting for you. Like so many others, I don't have any words that can make it better, but I am thinking of you.
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermuffintops
Alice,

I can only echo what many others have written: You write for you, not for us (though it's hard not to feel you have to consider the audience). We love your articulation, your wit, your honesty. Use your words to heal yourself, either privately or here.

Just remember that you don't have to be "fine". You do need to take care of yourself through whatever means necessary: medication, yoga, therapy, whatever. You don't have to be SuperMom/SuperWife every day--we tend to put others' needs before our own and feel weak if and when we can't do that. You've suffered a loss and your grief lies deep. Don't ever think you have to deal with it on your own.

Sending healing thoughts your way!
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdie Frau
If you haven't seen this site, you might take a look at some point.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkates
I've been there. No one is going to walk away from you. The people who read your blog care about you and will support you. Praying for you.
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermichellew
I've only recently discovered your blog, and am typically a lurker, but reading your post seriously brought tears to my eyes, and I can't not say something. I am so inspired by your honesty - I don't think I would have the courage to write so deeply from the heart. After the fact, maybe. But it takes so much more courage to write from the low point - to say from the midst of your pain, "Yeah - I'm not okay. Not fine."

So take care of yourself. We're with you the whole way, no matter what that means for this blog. I don't know if it might be helpful to you to read "I've (kinda) been there stories", but nearly 2 years ago I lost my baby girl. I wrote about it here: http://anna.watchtan.com/article/big-stuff-continued, and just last week, Molly Piper guest posted on "Rocks in My Dryer" (http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/07/what-id-like--4.html), about her experience with the death of her baby.

Anyway, like meg Hatton said in an earlier comment, I hope, even if my words didn't help, that they at least did no harm.

Bottom line: I'm rooting for you!

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnna W
Dearest Alice,

I'm sorry that my vacation last week prevented me from posting a comment sooner. Now that I'm back, "buck up."

Apathy aside, I hope you're feeling better. Many of us have been there, and continue to slip back now and then, so by no means do I give your feelings the casual brush off.

Take care of yourself.

Sympathetically,Joe

July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHeyJoe
(i didn't read the previous comments so this might be a repeat...but it bears repeating, i say) i just want you to know that i don't just come for the funny...it's what drew me in initially of course, but your honesty & real-ness is what made me stay...you have been through something horrible & for all of us who have also been through something horrible (same exact thing or something else equally awful) it's good to know that we are not alone & that it doesn't stop hurting overnight or even over years...do what you need to do...i'm keeping you bookmarked:)
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteremily ruth
At a time when I've been barely hanging on myself, your post reached out to me and made me feel as though I'm not alone. I lost my baby just over a month ago. My husband, family, and friends are moving on, but like you, I simply have not been able to make sense of what has happened. I felt as though my world came crashing down at my routine 20-week ultrasound when I found out the horrible news. From my perspective, time stood still, and each morning since then I have been shocked that the sun still rises and the world is going on in the face of this tragedy. I have also sought therapy and am in the process of working through the pain, but it's a long road ahead.

This is the blind leading the blind, but in the hopes that what has helped me might help you through your sorrow, I wanted to share:

* "Why?" is the question that haunts me night and day. I've begun reading the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" at the recommendation of my therapist... it is written by a rabbi but the message transcends religion... sometimes there is no reason. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never know what caused my son's birth defect. To placate myself, I've made a donation in his name to the Environmental Working Group in the hopes that it will advance our understanding of environmental influences on our children(http://www.ewg.org/kidsafe/)... even though it won't help my son, it's a consolation that it may help others.

* I have found that I'm in a better frame of mind if I have gotten some form of exercise (I've rediscovered pilates) and eaten according to a schedule (as opposed to when I'm actually hungry).

* I wanted to second the recommendation of finding time to get outside for a walk - it's one thing that has really helped to ground me and give me hope. The fresh air, the scent of summer, and warmth of the sun on my face are somehow more comforting than I had ever imagined.

My heart goes out to you, Alice. You are such a warm, open, and honest person. You didn't deserve this, but you will find the strength to make it through. And I thank you for sharing with us; I visit your blog more often than any other because of your witty commentary on your life, but today you touched my life as well.
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
You are most definitely not alone. For some reason I'm the only blogger on the planet that hasn't been to your blog before! So, I've read back a bit.

I too had a miscarriage in between my two children and it amazed me how hard it hit. Still when I hear about it happening to another woman I grieve for her and again for me.

You will get through it - one day, one hour, and one second at a time.

Thank you for your honesty, it reaches out and makes this computer screen a bit more human.

Hugs,Heidi
July 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterButterfly Mama
Alice, I hope that I'm not being presumtuous when I say that what you've express, the feelings of sadness, fatigue and irritability are classic signs of depression. I know personally how traumatic events can trip that chemical wire inside that makes you go to a very dark place. This may be a situation where "hanging in there" is not enough. No one mentioned anti-depressants, maybe that's considered completely inappropriate to do, but they literally saved my life. I understand your pain 100%. Consider talking to a therapist and doctor. At the very least it may help you get through this incredibly difficult time.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergray matter matters
Alice,It has been 4 months since my miscarriage and I still cry every day. Like you said previously,you want the baby you had already bonded with and the grief in missing out on this pregnancy and this child and all the hopes and dreams that go with it, is overwhelming. I am very sorry you and anyone else has to experience this because unfortunately everyone grieves differently and others not experiencing this, do not always understand. Take all the time you need to grieve and don't apologize for it. My 4 yr old doesn't even ask why I'm crying anymore, he just says, "Mommy misses the baby."
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlauri
"...And I scarce know which part may greater be,--What I keep of you, or you rob of me."

We are all thinking of you, praying for you, and love you.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMarisita
"...And I scarce know which part may greater be,--What I keep of you, or you rob of me."

We are all thinking of you, praying for you, and love you.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMarisita
I remember a dear friend saying to me, when I was in a depressed state, "Don't be so hard on yourself. Be gentle." Omg, I thought, I can't even do THAT right. It felt like critisism in that fragile state.

Sending thoughts of love and peace your way.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterErinH
Everything will be ok. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it WILL be ok.

(((( Alice ))))

July 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFrankie
Alice, I have read your blog for years and have struggled through the same emotions as you have, although probably not for the same reasons...

I know what you mean when you're barely hanging on, but how you're good at hiding it.

Without trying to sound trite: I know how you feel.

When you wrote this post, I was in a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt. I spent 5 days in ICU prior to that and I didn't even have to deal with the pain of a miscarriage.

You are so strong and so brave, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like that.

Trust me.

You are loved.
August 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Alice, I'm so sorry. For all of it.
August 2, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermothergoosemouse
This is the second post I've read by you (first was the chipmunk killer), but this is the one that persuades me to subscribe to your blog and read more of what you're saying.

I've been where you are, and revisit frequently. And I don't mean BlogHer. Blessings on you.
August 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGeo
Am rooting for you here.... I went through a very rough patch myself a few years ago. It takes time for one's mind/psyche to heal.

(hugs)
August 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGila
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please take all the time in the world to chill....and I hope things will get better for you soon. Sending fairy dust all the way from Malaysia.
August 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBig Pumpkin
Coming at this late to say how sorry I am for what you're going through and to refer you to www.glowinthewoods.com--beautiful writings by other women who have been through miscarriage and infant loss.
August 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermary
Grief? I guess I need to read further back to understand what you're referring to.

I second what someone else said: Being real is beautiful.

I could have written that post without changing any words, a few months ago. You aren't alone in your pain. And yet, you are. I'm very sorry. Very, very sorry.
August 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNatasha

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