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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« Down here on earth. | Main | Thank you. »
Tuesday
Jul292008

What friends are for.

"I ran over a chipmunk today."

"Oh, Abby, why? Why did the chipmunk have to die?"

"It was an accident! I tried to stop in time. Then I saw it in my rear-view mirror, smeared across the road."

"Poor little chipmunk."

"Maybe it had cancer, and I spared it a gruesome, painful death."

"Or maybe it had just been miraculously cured, and it was running across the road to tell its family."

"'GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO LI—'"

"I bet you killed it right in front of its family, too. Right when they were all, 'You're going to what? WHAT?'"

"Hey, look, a bunny rabbit!"

"Where?"

"It ran away."

"It smells the scent of death on you."

"I think that chipmunk was dying. I think I'm the Jack Kevorkian of chipmunks."

"That chipmunk was running across the road, calling to its beloved, 'HONEY, I'M PREG—'"

"I just knew you'd make me feel better about this."

Reader Comments (60)

Why Mom Drinks Rum was right, it's pretty obvious. Thanks for saving us all.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrhea
Oooh I hate that! I ran over a cat once. I couldn't pet my own cat without crying for a month! Wish I would have had a friend like you to make me feel worse about it. Lol.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWendy
Hysterical!!
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCara
Oh, see, now if I saw a CAT on the road, I don't think I'd even brake a little. Um, wait a minute, let's see...

Nope. Might even accelerate.

A chipmunk, mind you. They're cute. And they sing. With their squeaky little voices that could peel wallpaper...
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKia
You just big a big old grin on my face. Thanks. :)
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
This was pure brilliance. I'm feeling good about my decision to read your blog instead of finish my paper that's due tonight. I once killed a baby raccoon with my car and spent weeks trying to forgive myself. Now I ride a bike whenever possible. Coincidence? I think not.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey
"I'm the Jack Kevorkian of chipmunks"

New blog tagline. Just sayin.
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAimee Greeblemonkey
I have never hit anything in my car, but recently I was a passenger in my coworker's car when he hit a Mystery Animal. It was a dark, poorly-lit road, and his car is one of those low-slung deals, so by the time we heard the Mystery Animal make its final thumpety-bonk journey from the front tires to the back, we were both surprised and grossed out.I am still glad we didn't stop to figure out what we hit. Since it's Oregon I'm going with possum or squirrel, but whatever it was I surely didn't want to see it. There were other noises included that made me think I would have barfed.Mystery Animal it stays!
July 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelanieinOrygun
Alive, I want to be your friend!! Then I could share your wonderful friends!!

I work at a wildlife rescue organization and experience animal deaths almost every day. I won't go in to the twisted sense of humor we have all aquired surrounding animal death. From here on out, I'm going to be WAY more creative!

Just know that I would fit into your group of friends---very well.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRobin
If you had taken out the whole family, like what happened to a family of racoons the other day on a well traveled street in our neighborhood, your friend wouldn't have been able to say anything. I'm just saying....
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteroutnumbered221
If I used the phrase "LOL," I'd be using it now. That was hilarious.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermetalia
You are among several bloggers who seem to worry that you need to be constantly producing funny stuff. At least for me, funny isn't what keeps me coming back. It's the honest raw writing about life's challenges that I love to read. Maybe I'm just a gawker, but I suspect there are a lot more like me. So please know that you don't have to be composing funny dialogue to please your readers. If you think writing about what you're really going through would be helpful, I'm sure many, many people would love to come and read and encourage you as you make your way to the other side.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterspoiledonlychild
OK, the post was funny enough as it was... reading it through the Dialectizer in Jive made my day!
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSara
What my friends say to me.........

"You look great""You honestly can't tell you've put on weight""What are you talking about? You look fine"

What my kids say to me.......

"How come your belly is so floppy?"

I've only hit frogs - I live in Florida and when it rains sometimes it seems like hundreds are on the road. Gruesome! But I've been passenger in a car that hit a wild boar (lifted the side of the car right off the road) and the longest snake I've ever seen (not the same car). My husband was driving through a parking lot and a pigeon was sitting in the middle of the driving lane. He slowed way down, stopped, honked, honked again, and thought, "Well, surely he'll move" and began creeping forward again. Unfortunately, the bird did not move. Ever again. He came home stricken and told me what had happened. I promptly burst out laughing. And gave him the suicidal line.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
LOL Alice.

@George: so you got out of the car until the people who saw you run it over went away, but you didn't actually bother to check that the squirrel - which had been alive enough to drag itself along - wasn't still suffering? Wow.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStu
Hey, uh, this is that chipmunk husband and uh, yeah, she was yelling that she was pregnant. The good news (for you anyway) is that it uh wasn't mine. I'm going to go run across the road a few times myself now.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrachel beto
I could live with myself it it were a squirrel but a chipmunk. That would be hard. But it really sounds like some kind of chipmunk suicide. No chipmunk jury will convict.
July 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterozma
snork. i am glad i wasn't drinking coffee when i got to the last line.
July 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChris
hey alice, i love your blog and to show you so, i've given you a little love over on my blog...check it out!
July 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKatie
Very funny - even though I do feel bad for that poor little chipmunk! That was hysterical.
July 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl
coming home from the cottage last weekend, a moose ran out of the woods and thank goodness stopped and turned back or he would have hit me, two km later, bambi runs out in front of me, then we see a bear cub running along the side of the road. i was a nervous wreck, i would have been happy squishing a chipmunk. better than being squished by a moose!!!
July 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermargie
I have two cute little raccoons that live in the willow tree in my back yard. Can you come run over them too? Yeah, they are super cute. Especially when they are high on their perch shitting on the trampoline and in the pool. And on the ground where my dogs roll in it.

Sorry. Have an abundance of squirrels in the back yard and would feel bad about running one of them over. Not so much the raccoons.
July 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAmyinbc
I was driving to work early one morning in a place where the speed limit was 15. I was very law abiding. Suddenly, a squirrel ran in front of the car and I panicked. I slammed my foot on the pedal and lurched forward at an accelerated pace. He had no chance. My rear view mirror told the grim story. Anyone who might have seen it would have thought it was intentional. It was not. Thankfully, the body was gone the next day so I didn't have to look at my shame again.
August 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelly V
Sick. SICK!

I love it. Thank you.
August 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRobyn

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