What friends are for.

"I ran over a chipmunk today."

"Oh, Abby, why? Why did the chipmunk have to die?"

"It was an accident! I tried to stop in time. Then I saw it in my rear-view mirror, smeared across the road."

"Poor little chipmunk."

"Maybe it had cancer, and I spared it a gruesome, painful death."

"Or maybe it had just been miraculously cured, and it was running across the road to tell its family."

"'GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO LI—'"

"I bet you killed it right in front of its family, too. Right when they were all, 'You're going to what? WHAT?'"

"Hey, look, a bunny rabbit!"

"Where?"

"It ran away."

"It smells the scent of death on you."

"I think that chipmunk was dying. I think I'm the Jack Kevorkian of chipmunks."

"That chipmunk was running across the road, calling to its beloved, 'HONEY, I'M PREG—'"

"I just knew you'd make me feel better about this."

Comments

[Tina]

Hah! This is great! Nothing like a friend to make you feel good about yourself, huh? Thanks for the chuckle...

[merlotmom]

I love a good laugh first thing in the morning. Thank you.

[Rebecca]

Awesome!

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

Ugh. Friends. Mine spent about 25 minutes and a significant amount of Facebook space making fun of my photo yesterday.

We were at the zoo this weekend and went through the birds of prey. I had to explain to the kids that all those baby chicks died in their sleep.

And the bunny the vulture was sticking it's head into died of old age.

Skip the birds of prey exhibit.

Your friend obviously discounted the possibility that the chipmunk was a homicidal psychotic rodent who was out to kill everyone. It's pretty obvious.

[Emily R]

I laughed out loud, and I am not an out loud laugher when I read.

[dianne]

Or/And ... this could be the catalyst for a spate of future wildly popular and profitable chipmunk memoirs?

[George]

Confession. I ran over a squirrel. It did one of those things where it ran out into the middle of the road, sensed my car, and froze. Fine, it was to the left of me, no problem. Then, of course, instead of doing the sensible thing, which was running back to the left from whence he came, or remaining frozen there in the median, he bolted in front of me. Even slamming on my brakes, I could hear him pop under me like a styrofoam cup. A decade later, I can still feel it. In my rear view mirror I saw that he had hop-dragged himself over to the gutter, so I pulled over, mainly because I knew cars behind me had seen it, and didn't want to just drive on callously as if mushing the lower mammals was a hobby. I got out of the car just long enough to be sure that any cars who had seen it were gone, then I drove on. No way he was still alive.

I never realized until your post how I might have done him a favor. Dude waited until I was right on him, until he knew there was no WAY I could stop, before he moved. Boy was suicidal, clearly. We will never know the darkness gnawing at his heart, but I take some comfort in knowing it's now at peace. Thanks.

[kim]

OMG that was so funny! Thank you Alice! And for added giggles, try running it through the Dialectizer to translate it into Jive!

http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect=jive&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.finslippy.com

[Ry]

Your friends are way more fun that mine. Mine would probably have just said "Cool" and tried to high five me while I was weeping about the loss of the poor chipmunk. Then they would have made fun of me.

I think I need new friends.

Freakin hilarious post!

[Mary]

When I was growing up my grandfather very convincingly told me that it's okay if you run over a squirrel in the road. Squirrels have excellent reflexes, see, and if you hit them than it means they were sick and were going to die anyway. Really, you're doing them a favor. I'm sure the same applies to chipmunks. Wise man, my grandfather...

And no, I don't set out on the road each day looking for small rodents whose pain I may be able to ease with my four tires, but hey...sh*t happens.

[Nicole]

We like to say that the enormous deer we hit that totaled our car used us as tools in an unwitting murder-suicide pact (the deer wanted to commit suicide by murdering our car). Ah, wildlife.

Given the choice between a squirrel and a deer, though? I'll totally waste the squirrel. Far less body damage.

[Jen]

Chipmunks and bunnies and mercy killings, oh my!Very funny, Alice!

[punchanella]

i hit a rabbit with my VW rabbit the other day. that's upsetting.

[Organizing MOmmy]

Ooohh... I smooshed a woodchuck yesterday, and I felt the same way! I yelled at it to get out of the way! It was sauntering along, and planning to die that day, I think. Either way, I'm new here. Heard about you from 5 Minutes for Mom.

[anna]

Reminds me of a guy from college who (accidentally?) ran over a squirrel, and then looked at me, and said, "Got em!"

[Germs]

I'm sure it was one of those cartoon figures; just when u were around the corner, it stood up -all flat - and regained it's posture seconds later.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Glad to see you're feeling better. Or at least well enough to kill without mercy.

Baby steps!

[MImi]

It was tired of being a chipmunk.

[mfk]

oh god. one time I was driving and three squirrels ran across the road in front of me, IN SINGLE FILE, so there was no way I could possibly swerve to miss them. I tried anyway and only hit one, but I looked in the rear view mirror and saw him all mushed on the road with his little tail twirling in death throes. Horrible. We should construct an elaborate system of invisible fences around our nation's road system to prevent such things.

[Overflowing Brain]

I too, laughed aloud.

The first time I ever drove a car I ran over a frog and I swore I'd never drive again. Somehow I got myself together and got behind the wheel. So far the only thing I've hit since then was a pole. But that's okay, it was my mother-in-law's car I was driving, not mine.

[Sharon]

Years ago, when I told a friend about a similar incident, she labeled it assisted suicide. It made me feel better.

[Katrisha]

On a recent trip home from a weekend away, I has two near misses with oppossoms, one very fast bunny and popped a frog. Yes, he popped. After four pronounced hops across the road...hop...hop...hop...hop...POP! I am sorry for your loss. ;)

[LIB]

In my neck of the woods it's squirrels. Squirrels are always darting in front of your car, crossing the street. I call them 'Suicidal Squirrels'. When my friend, Lorraine, ran over one, I said, "Don't worry; he wasn't happy with his life."

[Anne]

A few weeks ago my husband ran over a squirrel - no way to miss him, it was either get the squirrel or crash into a tree. So while i turned my head to avoid seeing, husband starts BACKING UP to see if he did in fact squish the squirrel. I told him he was going to hell for that one.

[karen]

Come to my house! PLEASE! Drive all over my yard and hit as many chipmunks as you possibly can. They are all dying and you could be their angel of mercy! Ok, well maybe I'm just busy wishing them dead, but I can't poison them because we have a well. Can you drive two cars at once? There are a LOT of the little buggers out there...