What exercise has done for me
January 25, 2011I've never been an athlete. Anyone who's known me for any length of time is well aware of this. Growing up, I never participated in sports of any kind. Somehow I got branded as unathletic, and I leaned into it. I pretty much gave up on my body's abilities to do anything beyond the basic functions needed to get through the day.
Actually, that's not true--I did have some athletic abilities, however small. My brother James taught me to pitch, and I'd pitch Wiffleballs to him until Mom demanded we come inside, until the light was gone. I probably continued to pitch well after he had left, and I was just hucking balls into the shrubbery. Plus I had always loved to dance. And I would run, of course; I'd chase boys or have boys chase me and actually those were the only two times I really ran all that hard. (I was often engaged in some kind of boy/me chase, up until it became weirdly thrilling, in a different, more confusing way.)
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I felt about exercise, growing up, and even into my adulthood, because now that I've taken up regular exercise I'm kind of floored at how much it's changed me. I don't mean physically, although that part is nice. I mean emotionally, mentally--it's changed me. I'm different now. How I'm different is hard to explain. Oh, but I'm going to try.
One night, my junior year of college, I caught my boyfriend looking at me strangely. We were on our way to a formal, so naturally I thought he was admiring my dress, or how my butt looked in my dress. "What?" I asked him, and he said, "I never noticed before: it's like you have two different bodies. From the waist up you're so tiny, but from the waist down you're much bigger. I guess your Irish genes took over the top half, but your bottom half is all Italian."
Well.
Instead of immediately dumping him, I turned away so that he wouldn't see that my face had turned dark red, changed the subject, and then dated him for another eighteen months. At which point (when I did finally dump him) he went insane and threatened to kill me, or himself, or kill himself in front of me--he couldn't choose which!--and then systematically destroyed every aspect of my senior year of college. But that's another story.
Let's go back to that moment, the moment my boyfriend sliced me in half, because it was at that precise instant that I went from feeling fairly content with my figure to feeling betrayed and humiliated, not by him, but by my own body. I was all wrong. I wasn't just heavy, or skinny--I was an entirely new, and awful, category.
I can't fully blame my boyfriend, as much of a jerk as he was. The seeds had been sown, long ago--by my lack of confidence in re: moving through space; by watching my mother and sister embark on one fad diet after another; hell, just by being female in this fucked-up culture, I was vulnerable to attack.
But still, even if he didn't plant the bomb, he found the trigger. I could never look at a picture of myself after that without feeling like I was looking at a Cubist painting. I didn't make sense to me. Surely everyone could see what a horrible, embarrassing creature I was. After a while I couldn't even identify what parts were so offensive--I was just hopelessly ugly, somehow. So I hid from cameras, and wore shoulder pads to even out my proportions, and dated anyone who told me I was pretty. Problem solved!
Fast forward to the present: I'm no longer wearing shoulder pads, I think I look pretty good most of the time, and my husband thinks I look good all of the time, so I'm already way ahead. I wrote a while back about how I started exercising pretty seriously, but actually I was still half-assed about it, if I'm going to be honest. I mean, I work from home, three blocks from the gym; I have zero excuse not to go every day.
So, a couple of months ago, that's what I started doing.
Well, almost every day. Six days out of the week, I'm there. I run, or I lift weights. I enjoy it, kind of a lot, which shocks me more than I can say. But here's what I want to tell you, finally: every time I go, every time, my body makes a little more sense to me. It's like exercise is reorganizing the image I have of myself, shuffling things around into a more accurate picture. Exercise is why, when I went to the doctor last week for the flu and learned that I had gained an unseemly number of pounds, I thought, "Okay, time to lay off the cheese and cookies every day," and didn't hyperventilate out of fear and shame. Because this is my body, and it works, and I prove that to myself, every day.
Exercise has taught me what my body is, what it can do, and where anyone who tells me it's not good enough can go.
Reader Comments (60)
"But still, even if he didn't plant the bomb, he found the trigger."
That is powerful.
I, too, am new to the gym experience. Curiously, I like feeling strong. Like you, I don't tie my workouts to attaining a particular body type - just feeling strong. That way, everyday I fucking WIN at going to the gym, no matter what.
Yeah. Wow. I needed to read this. I am finally getting myself to form a gym habit, and it's been mostly pretty good. And it's nice to see other people going through the same transformation and making sense of it.
I dated that guy in high school. He sucked then, too. I'm new to your blog but I love this post. I, too, was never an athlete until I took up running during college. A non-team sport that I could do literally at my own pace, whenever and wherever, and always come out with a clearer head on the other side. Congratulations on finding exercise.
Alice! This is BRILLIANT! I have completely fallen off the exercise-of-any-kind bandwagon. I'm a nerdy, unathletic bookworm who doesn't get excited by exercise. But you are totally inspiring.
I was just like that at school. I "forgot" my gym clothes so often that they just stopped giving me detention after the first year or so.
I started working out properly for the first time on January 1 and am now 25 days in. It's amazing how much my attitude towards my body has changed. Now I think about what it can do as well as what it looks like.
Progress!
I know all about that feeling of wrongness. And I'm so happy for you, that you made it right. If I could do that from the couch, I'd be ALL OVER IT.
Wow, I've known many guys like that; fortunately, I've never dated them, but have sheltered friends who have.
I think exercise is like the perfect bra: with it, you stand straighter, walk more confidently, and hold your chin up.
Now, if only I could find my exercise mojo. I was the athletic kid in high school, playing every team sport. Now, getting my twins lassoed into their beds or their car seats seems to be the sport-du-jour. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe.
I'm so happy for what Exercise has done for you. I will state, with no hesitation, that Sports Saved My Life as a child. Joining the track team, every Spring, helped give me confidence and side-step the crippling anxiety that I quietly endurred.
I think that ALL GIRLS should do a sport-- join a team-- be in a meet-- or play in a game; we wouldn't have the problems with skewed self image if this were true!!! Congrats on diggin' your body!
I try to explain to my family and friends that I am not only working out to be skinny. Of course, I want to feel good about my body but even more the mental and emotion release it is. I literally need it.
wrong body, oh yes, I know that one. hadn't though of it till I read your (beautiful btw) words and realized that I have shifted, and it's come from taking up running 4 years ago. yes it's physically reshaped me a bit, but it's much more about how I feel and what I accept about myself. go alice!
You know what? I've been thinking about returning to the gym -- something that with a large amount of weight to lose is is becoming more important every day-- and your post convinced me that now is time. Thank you!!
I love the snot out of this post. Well said. Thanks for this.
Thanks for this wonderful post. It reminded me of a similar post that I read on the Internets today about how people's comments about our bodies can affect us in profound ways, for ill and for good: http://www.alreadypretty.com/2011/01/the-things-people-say.html
Reading is good. I love reading you. I loved reading this article you wrote. But exercising? ummm I don't know. I may be too lazy to do it, or simply ignorant at the benefits it brings, but inflicting sports on my persona is not for me. I feel ridiculous when running and even more ridiculous in the gym. I should do something about it but even if I would want to, the kids keep me full time on a tight schedule so I couldn't find time to exercise anyway. What a lovely excuse I found! ha
Uh, yeah, I dated that guy, too, down to the suicide threats --only it was my freshman year of college. He wanted to use my heart medication (my first thought was, "I can't afford to buy more if you take them all.")
Fast forward twenty years and I'm dating a guy who makes me feel bad about my breasts, which I had always liked up until the point where he pretended I didn't have any. Yeah, he's gone.
What the hell. Why do we put up with it?
Anyway, I'm working on the exercise bit. But I know what you mean.
Alice, I have been reading you for a couple of years but as a non-parent have never felt eligible to chime in. I've simply enjoyed your wonderful writing. I am, however, a lifelong Active Person. Athlete as a kid, teen and university student (see, I'm Canadian!). Recreationally active after that with hiking, cycling, step classes, kayaking, running. No yoga, for I am a Plank. I exercise because it keeps my anxiety at manageable levels. I can't tell you how valuable that is. In the background I know it reduces my risk of diseases of all kinds, but the most important thing is that when I work out I can cope, I sleep well, and I know what I am capable of.
I had a friend in high school who was in my wedding party. When we went to get bridesmaids measured for dresses, she was a size 10 on top and a size 16 on the bottom. So she had to order a size 16 dress and have it heavily altered. It's just the way she was. But she never looked freakishly out of proportion. She carried herself very well.
You're definitely not alone.
As for exercise and going to the gym, I have been a $10 a month paid member of my local Planet Fitness for a year now and I haven't been there in about 8 months. I don't have a job, so I can't even use the excuse of having no time. I just can't get out of bed and get myself motivated. I've been out of work for almost 2 years and it just sucks the life right out of me. I wish it were all easier.
Just received this quote from a quote-a-day thingy: "It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." Sally Field
I used to exercise a lot before I became a mom. Now, the fact that I'm exhausted is my excuse for not doing very important things. Last night, I had a real heart to heart with myself (and my sleepy husband). I decided that I would 1. Comb my hair everyday, and 2. Put on a bra everyday. I'd like to report that I have combed my hair and have a bra on. Day 1 is successful. I have a gym pass. I will go tomorrow . . .
Polly, not to get all preachy, but I'm kind of amazed at how much more energy I have now that I'm exercising regularly. I wish I had started when Henry was small--I could really have used that energy.
But a comb and a bra--that's a start!
That is very much like what happened to me with yoga! I have a similar body type, and I never did sports when I was younger. Two years ago I was laid off from my job and I thought: "Instead of crying about it, I should try to do something to make myself BETTER". And that thing was yoga. And you know what I found out? I am strong.
Good for you, and everyone who has been able to make more sense of her body :)
I'm moving along this same path, although a few months behind you. My husband and I are in a serious schedule crunch at the moment. For most of January it will be a major win if I don't wind up sleeping in my work clothes. So no gym. But I was going before and I'll be going again soon. I believe it was you who said that all you asked of yourself in the beginning was to just show up at the gym. No other expectations. That was helpful to me. Sometimes I walked up thinking that I might just turn around and walk back out. But I would tell myself I wasn't even going to consider the next step until I was physically inside the gym. And I always did wind up running around that track.
Yes, yes, yes. I found exercise late, too, and it really does change your relationship with yourself.
Thanks for the kick in the butt (gotta dig out the 30 Day Shred DVD tonight...)
Great post. Really interesting that exercise would have that strong of an effect on you mentally. I should try this exercise thing, does it come with cheese?
I'm hoping exercise will (eventually) do some of this for me, too. I started running on my 30th birthday (September 24) and I could barely jog (slowly) for 60 seconds before having to walk. Last Friday I jogged (somewhat less slowly) for 33 minutes and 53 seconds - 3.1 miles, without walking. HOLY CRAP.
I've often said I should not be allowed to move through space (CLUMSY), and I've never been at all athletic. But maybe, just maybe, all this running will help me to change those thoughts, too.