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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« Apologies in advance | Main | All right, winter, we GET IT. »
Friday
Jan232009

What every single conversation is like around here.

Me: Okay, it's time to go, so let's—

Henry [throwing himself to the ground]: WHAAAAAaaagh oof!

Me: Henry.

Henry: I really fell! That wasn't a trick!

Me: Yeah. Anyway, as I was saying—

Henry [careening toward the wall]: Oh nooooooo the house is sliding to one side!

Me: Henry, we're late for—

Henry: Oof! Oh, man, I hit that wall hard.

Me: I recommend you stop throwing yourself against hard surfaces. So as I was say—

Henry [his body sliding across the parquet]: HEHHHHHHHHFFFFfff.

Me: Oh, sweet baby Jesus, enough with the wacky pratfalls.

Henry: Now I'm going to hit the couch really hard with my face.

Me: No you're not. No, you're not NO YOU'RE NOT aaand you just did.

Henry: WHAT? That was an accident.

Me: You kind of gave yourself away when you announced it beforehand. Can you just put your socks on OH MY GOD GET UP.

Henry [face down in front of me]: I'M DOING IT. Why are you so grumpy all the time?

Me: Here. Your socks. HERE.

Henry [putting on one sock and then falling over]: WAAAIIIIOOOOOOooough.

Me: You're trying to kill me, aren't you.

Reader Comments (78)

I come here offering hope! It gets better! They DO stop with the pratfalls eventually.

Of course, by then they start asking to borrow your car.

So maybe it's not better. Just different. But people glare at you in supermarkets less.

We parents have to hang onto what little solace we're offered...
January 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDawn
Sweet Baby Jesus!

January 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterelaine
hi - I've never read your blog and I'm hysterical in my dark office. My dogs want to know what's so damn funny. The star wars theme at night - oh yes we went through that too.I'd only like to point out that one day he will be 13 and never leaving his room cause he's too busy playing war games on X Box. And drooling over air soft guns.Or, he could be 16, with a recently acquired drivers license. It doesn't matter that I've been driving for 40 years. (well, not quite 40). Because clearly I have no idea how to drive.Just you wait.:0)
January 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwoolies
You do know he is trying to kill you, right?
January 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMom101
Thank you for that, Alice (and, okay, Henry too).



January 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
well, at least his sense of humour is back and he's not quite so tired. i ended up ditching harry potter way back when, my husband was very sick, in fact dying of cancer and i would lie in bed and read harry potter to my then eight year old. one day he just reached over, grabbed the book and threw it across the room. i looked at him and said i hate this book too. i still hate harry.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermargie
Thank you, Alice. It's so good to know I'm not alone.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Crying here at my desk. It's not just me. God bless you.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternina
Mine is 17 and she hasn't killed me yet. Maybe it helped that there was a time or three where she had to chase after the car barefoot because I simply left her behind. Don't judge. It was after she had become too big to physically pick up and place her where she needed to be.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter~annie
Oh... my... gosh... that is EXACTLY like every single conversation in my house.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristine
I was just noticing that my 8-year-old does this a LOT less than he used to... why, he hasn't hit himself on the head to get a laugh for quite a while! When he was six - kindergarten - it was non-stop pratfalls around here. Thank the lord, I think it's a stage. Keep the faith, Alice!
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
::Suck up warning:: I love you, Alice. In a non-stalkerish way, I PROMISE. I read a lot of blogs but I start my day at yours.

I came out of lurker status for this post. I raised 4 boys and I remember these days well. The baby of the group is now 20 so it's been a long time since I've had this type of conversation in my house. But, it was such a nice reminder.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLydia
I am consistently 10 minutes late (at the least) for EVERYthing. And my five year old is a girl, so it's definitely not gender-specific.

But thank you for helping me see the humour in the situation yet again. I let my stern face get the best of me way too often!
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermoseyalong
Oh, God, this is exactly the way my 4 1/2 year old is. And also with the crashing into *me* all the time. It's so great to hear we aren't the only ones.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCandace
Hehe! I love the "Why are you so grumpy all the time?"
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAsianmommy
I made it worse by explaining the etymology of "pratfall." Now it's not just annoying mommy (which is after all the fun thing about it), it's also got to do with BUMS! Gearing up for another jungle gym lecture/stand-up routine from Little Professor My-Mommy-Is-Dispensing-Inappropriate-Knowledge.
January 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLorraine
Oohhh, this is so us too, but with Important Things to Do (instead of what I want him to do) in place of the pratfalls. I guess I should be grateful for small favors??
January 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjanny226
Hey.... wait a minute... my kid isn't named Henry.

And, why are you spying on me?
January 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterK
when was my son at your house????
January 27, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermichelle
I SO wasn't ready for a boy. Where does this stuff come from in them?

Of course he's trying to kill. Isn't that what they are all trying to do? Run us into the ground?
January 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
oh thank jebus it's not just my son.
January 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
So now you know what 'Calvin's Mom' went through. Does Henry also own a stuffed tiger?:-)

January 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmbee
Wow, I didn't know my son was spending time at your house!
January 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSharon
Aye, I can relate to that. Heard it all before. My three year old actually tells me "I want nice mommy. Make mean mommy stop."Found your blog via LookyDaddy. Brian's great, eh?Listening to your other post on circumcision now. Thanks for putting it out there. I think there really are many, many people who just assume that it is what you do when you have a boy. Our sons are not circ., primarily because my husband wanted it that way.And now you know way too much about me!;)
January 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSheryl
I have 8 children, ages; 31-9. There are four girls and four boys. I just watched the video where you stated your debate about having another child. I then watched Henry dancing. I am here to say. Have another child, at least one more. Henry is adorable and think of what fun it would be to have one more like that. I am 54 now. I had my last two at 42 and almost 45. I am so happy that we had 8.(My husband says he would have had a dozen but I wouldn't have anymore, the punk) These children are the delight of my life. My husband is very supportive and a funny man. I guess that has always helped.
January 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSheryl Whipple

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