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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Apologies in advance | Main | All right, winter, we GET IT. »

What every single conversation is like around here.

Me: Okay, it's time to go, so let's—

Henry [throwing himself to the ground]: WHAAAAAaaagh oof!

Me: Henry.

Henry: I really fell! That wasn't a trick!

Me: Yeah. Anyway, as I was saying—

Henry [careening toward the wall]: Oh nooooooo the house is sliding to one side!

Me: Henry, we're late for—

Henry: Oof! Oh, man, I hit that wall hard.

Me: I recommend you stop throwing yourself against hard surfaces. So as I was say—

Henry [his body sliding across the parquet]: HEHHHHHHHHFFFFfff.

Me: Oh, sweet baby Jesus, enough with the wacky pratfalls.

Henry: Now I'm going to hit the couch really hard with my face.

Me: No you're not. No, you're not NO YOU'RE NOT aaand you just did.

Henry: WHAT? That was an accident.

Me: You kind of gave yourself away when you announced it beforehand. Can you just put your socks on OH MY GOD GET UP.

Henry [face down in front of me]: I'M DOING IT. Why are you so grumpy all the time?

Me: Here. Your socks. HERE.

Henry [putting on one sock and then falling over]: WAAAIIIIOOOOOOooough.

Me: You're trying to kill me, aren't you.

Reader Comments (78)

Wow, that sounds remarkably like what happens in my house when the 6-year-old needs to get his socks on. Sigh.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAbigail
I have 6-year-old twin boys, and every morning is like this around here, times two, with the added bonus of me yelling, "Hurry up and put on your coat and shoes or you're going to be late for school. Seriously, you're going to be LATE. For SCHOOL. GREAT. Okay, now you're REALLY, REALLY LATE FOR SCHOOL!!!!! Didn't I tell you you were going to be late for school?!"
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShariMacD
You mean this is happening at every house in America with boys? Boy, do I feel better! My two boys are 6 and 4 1/2. I'm at the point of "I'll be waiting in the car." And leave so their grandmother can get them to put their boots on. 'Cause I certainly can't seem to -- they're too busy perfecting their comedy routines!
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth
Oh, it's so visible you are in love with that boy. He is charming, so glad the charm isn't lost on you, either. Here's to pieces of heaven on earth...
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteralex
Just appreciate how much better this is than my life with a 3.5 year old, in which every attempt to leave the house is met with screams and falling on the floor that are not at all intended to be humorous.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterspoiledonlychild
b r e a t h e

don't forget.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjoanna
I have to agree with the Calvin statement. This is so funny. I am both dreading and looking forward to these situations with my future children.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela @ Lost In Splendor
I just called my husband over to the computer and said "you remember that lady whose kid dances like ours? read this... you'll feel better about your week."

We laughed. so. hard. Thank you.

January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJocelyne
All I can do is nod and sigh. I'll bet he does it at bed time, too! And then laughs like crazy when you ask if he's trying to kill you. My two are 7 and 3. Sigh again.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarahd
See this is my house, but at bedtime...
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSass
you do kid-speak better than anyone i've ever read.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkommishoner
This post helped me realize something about my kid: She has no reason to hurry.

Today she was lying on her back in the snow for what seemed like hours. Eating the snow, leisurely. I was trying to convince her--of all things!--to go to the movies with me. To see a kid's movie. But she wasn't sure. Why not just lie in the snow? What the hell? Life is short? I was also a bit freaked about frostbite. How can she just lie there for over thirty minutes? On her back? One mittened hand buried in snow? Like some kind of drunk.

Maybe being four is like being drunk. All the time.

She also did the 'I can't WAAAALLLLLLKKKK' thing and so enjoyed me kind of holding her by the coat as she let her legs fall out from under her.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

The obvious suddenly dawned on me reading this post: Four is a different way of being. There's no where to go, nothing to do. There's just now. It's all now, all the time.

Unless she has to go potty. Well, sometimes even then.

It's annoying as hell. And yet, it's almost she's like some kind of crazy zen master.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterozma
The other morning I put my daughter's shoes and socks on for her, muttering the entire time about how I couldn't believe I was putting socks on a 10-year-old. I know I should have made her do it herself, but we were running late, and I just wanted it done with no arguing or goofing around. I hope she grows out of this stage eventually, because I'm not coming to her house every morning when she's an adult and putting her shoes on so she can go to work!
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa
So funny. My own two boys are "the goofballs." Really, boys are often alarmingly simple. And they grow to be simple as well...sigh.
January 23, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth
i feel your pain. why is it that something as simple as a sock can be enough to drive the most "perfect" mother over the edge. how i long for the return of flip flop season...
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternot a jersey girl
Hey, it happens to girls too. My 7 year old who reads with fourth graders is apparently a little behind in her physical comedy because she's just getting this. EV.ERY.TH.ING. in the world requires her falling to her knees with "yyyyAAARRGghggh" sound effects. While I'm standing there going "GETUPNOWITSTIMEFORSCHOOL" through clenched teeth. No wonder my dental bills are so high.
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnne
Ha! I've also said, "You are trying to kill me" more times than I would like to admit. The other thing I say (which worked kinda well when the children were under five and more apt to take me at my word) is: "If you don't stop Right Now, Mommy's head will POP OFF. It will pop off, fly out the window and go SMOOSH on the street." Now they just find that amusing, which probably isn't a good sign.
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterClaudia
Ha! I've also said, "You are trying to kill me" more times than I would like to admit. The other thing I say (which worked kinda well when the children were under five and more apt to take me at my word) is: "If you don't stop Right Now, Mommy's head will POP OFF. It will pop off, fly out the window and go SMOOSH on the street." Now they just find that amusing, which probably isn't a good sign.
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterClaudia
So, I laughed out loud when I read this. Actually lol'ed. And my 8 yr old son comes over and wants to know what's so funny. So I read it to him. With voices. To make it even funnier. And now he's running around the house trying to out-goof Henry.

My god, I am an idiot. I am a complete and utter moron. I just gave him MORE ammunition. Der.

BTW, I used to tell my boys that they were going to make my head explode, and now they're just disappointed that I wasn't being literal. " 'Cause it would be SO COOL if Mom's head actually did explode, and her brains were like, all over the walls, and um, she was standing there with like, no head, and...."
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShnerfle
Are you sure you werent a fly on my wall this morning?
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine Ipcizade
Okay, so I used to like you* before I saw this last post which has given me no hope that I will ever not have drama with my little boy, who is now 15-months-old and in the "everything is a gigantic drama and the end of the world" phase.

So now I can't even daydream about less dramatic times ahead. Thanks.

*just kidding about the past tense here--I still love your writing and Henry sounds hilarious. But the part about losing all hope is true. :)

January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie
I am so glad I'm not the only one. My boy does the exact same thing.

You summed it up perfectly ... thank you thank you THANK YOU.
January 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngela
I will now be doing this to my boyfriend every time we have to go somewhere. I can just taste the hilarity. Thanks for the inspiration!
January 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRy
Amen, sister. Welcome to raising boys. Don't ask me.... I don't know why.....
January 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel
Hilarious! I can just imagine this.

It could be worse - if you live with our dog Diva, you have to be careful NOT to say things like "it's time to go" or "are you ready?" because she is immediately all "yes, yes, I'm ready, let's go let's go!!" ;-) Even if you're not ready!
January 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl

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