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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

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Thursday
Jun302011

We need to talk. 

Me: Sit down, please.
Izzy: What?

big boned
Me: Do I have to say it?
Izzy: If this is about my weight…
Me: It is.
Izzy: … let me finish. LET ME GODDAMN FINISH. I was going to say, if this is about my weight, I will murder you in your sleep.
Me: …
Izzy: HA! Just kidding! I already WOULD murder you in your sleep, except I haven't figured out how. Yet.
Me: That's reassuring. Look, cat, you… how can I put this?
Izzy: I'm…
Me: You're…

Fatso
Izzy: Big boned?
Me: Enormous. Grotesque. Overly, overly large.
Izzy: I'm sure I don't know what you mean. Are you referring to my frame?
Me: You do not have a big frame. You have a tiny head and weensy kitten paws. Your BUILD has nothing to do with it.
Izzy: Then it's all hair.
Me: I didn't know that that hair could weigh that much.
Izzy: Well, I mean, some of it is brains and guts and whatever.
Me: You can't clean yourself. Especially in the hindquarters. This is sad, cat.
Izzy: Now you're embarrassing me.
Me: I'm sorry, but it's true. Your butt is… why are you lying on my cell phone?

Using my phone
Izzy: It's warm. Shut up. Anyway, whose fault is it that I'm so big? Bastet didn't make me like this!
Me: Ba-who now?
Izzy: The Cat Goddess. Daughter of the Sun-God. Protector of Us All. Obviously.
Me: ANYWAY, listen, we need to put you on a diet.
Izzy: Then get ready for THIS. Feel my paw batting at you in protest!
Me: Felt.
Izzy: This is all I ask.
Me: Well, this was a nice talk.
Izzy: Still planning to murder you! Some day! Paws crossed!

Reader Comments (36)

My fat cat is claiming a larger frame, too, but his gunt betrays him.

July 5, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie

We have one of those tiny-head-big-belly black cats as well. She lost a rather remarkable amount of weight when we switched her to Nulo food. Still, she's ten pounds of mud in a five-pound bag, as it were.

July 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAverage Jane

I think she is gorgeous and pleasantly plump. My parents' cat is huge and makes an unpleasant "blunk" sound every time he jumps off furniture.

July 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLouise

Mmmm....got to have the exact conversation with my Lois-Lane. But she does the 'puss in boots' eyes and I change the subject!

July 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTra Wright Knox

Hilarious! I was laughing out loud! Thank you!

July 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlouise

My sister's cats are so fat they can't clean themselves properly and she has to bathe them once a week to get all the dandruff off their butts. I tried explaining to her how it's because of the kibble she feeds them, IAMS, which besides the fact that they torture the poor animals in their 'nutrition' studies, the food happens to just be super unhealthy. She does not want to hear it. We have our kitty on grain-free (Orijen, expensive but I think it's worth it) since they don't eat grains normally anyways. Grains are just empty calories for kitty cats and they end up eating more food to get enough nutrients out of it. I've never had a problem with my cats overeating or being fat. I'd really like to switch her over to raw though, it's just tough finding things small enough for her to eat since she's so small (9 lbs).

July 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJaimie

I have a cat who's a little bit heavy. My last one had trouble keeping weight on. I made the vet laugh when I told him, "I don't know what to do with cat that will eat.

I'd be interested to hear just what you're doing to slim Izzy down.

July 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVee

I put my four cats on grain-free dry food and my really chubby black cat gradually lost weight. He licks all the fur off his belly (weird), and I thought he had food allergies. He cried for dry "crunchies" all day long, and has since stopped this behavior with the grain free food. He still has a hairless belly:( Love this post!!

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