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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

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Thursday
Jun302011

We need to talk. 

Me: Sit down, please.
Izzy: What?

big boned
Me: Do I have to say it?
Izzy: If this is about my weight…
Me: It is.
Izzy: … let me finish. LET ME GODDAMN FINISH. I was going to say, if this is about my weight, I will murder you in your sleep.
Me: …
Izzy: HA! Just kidding! I already WOULD murder you in your sleep, except I haven't figured out how. Yet.
Me: That's reassuring. Look, cat, you… how can I put this?
Izzy: I'm…
Me: You're…

Fatso
Izzy: Big boned?
Me: Enormous. Grotesque. Overly, overly large.
Izzy: I'm sure I don't know what you mean. Are you referring to my frame?
Me: You do not have a big frame. You have a tiny head and weensy kitten paws. Your BUILD has nothing to do with it.
Izzy: Then it's all hair.
Me: I didn't know that that hair could weigh that much.
Izzy: Well, I mean, some of it is brains and guts and whatever.
Me: You can't clean yourself. Especially in the hindquarters. This is sad, cat.
Izzy: Now you're embarrassing me.
Me: I'm sorry, but it's true. Your butt is… why are you lying on my cell phone?

Using my phone
Izzy: It's warm. Shut up. Anyway, whose fault is it that I'm so big? Bastet didn't make me like this!
Me: Ba-who now?
Izzy: The Cat Goddess. Daughter of the Sun-God. Protector of Us All. Obviously.
Me: ANYWAY, listen, we need to put you on a diet.
Izzy: Then get ready for THIS. Feel my paw batting at you in protest!
Me: Felt.
Izzy: This is all I ask.
Me: Well, this was a nice talk.
Izzy: Still planning to murder you! Some day! Paws crossed!

Reader Comments (36)

Full-figured and beautiful. Good luck with the diet, Izzy!

I, too, am the owner of a fat cat. Ok, two fat cats. Out of three cats total.

That's probably not my fault, right? :)

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKat

Ha! I love it! I have a cat that would make a great wife for Izzy! After they ate double, no triple, their weight in Temptations, they could take over the world, one nasty hairball at a time...

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

Oh the little Fatlilina. The Fatima Catima fat fat fat. My kitty Marilyn Monroe luxuriates in her zaftig-ery, often offering a view of her belly for us to revere and turn toward, like Mecca, five times a day on our knees and our little kelp rugs. We offer up our tuna fish, our chicken nuggets and our Amy's Soy Mac N' Cheese. She is our deity and our object of sensuos-ity. Because petting a skinny kitty is so devoid of any tactile pleasure, while her Fatness is a Bachanallian feast for the fingers. Can you tell I'm drunk?

OMG. You are seriously the funniest person alive. You and Eden Kennedy.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCamilla

@The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful: yes, but your drunken verbosity is AWESOME! I too have a kitty who is not-slim, her name is Max and she is what I lovingly call "portly". The classic inverted-hourglass figure, rounded gently outward in the tummy area. But she's got the softest fur EVER (softer than a chinchilla even!) and she's beautiful, so it works out.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelley O

I thought black was supposed to be slimming.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarinka

Love this. Thanks Alice.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAugust

I had a cat once, sort of. It would only respond to the name "Stinky" and it chased my mother into corners. Oh, cats.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjamie

I had a fat cat too. Her diet was successful, except now she has loose skin hanging on her belly that sways to and fro when she walks. It's hard not to laugh at her.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

As with people, it's either "get more exercise" or "eat less food" to lose weight. And getting an unmotivated cat to exercise (play) for more than a minute at a time is HARD. Are you going to give the cat less of her preferred food or buy a lower-calorie type? (Curious as I also have a cat who is a touch heavy--not quite obese. His sister, however, weighs about half what he does. She is perfect. The vet says so. Which has got to be maddening for him...)

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterReid

Alice, you are hilarious and delightful. Your posts make me happy. Thanks for being you.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTara

I just emailed this to six people, I love it!

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHoma

Really Alice. Don't you think, after all that Cats have done for us mere, puny humans, they be allowed to be as fat, slothful, lazy and..and.....as UN-hygienic as they see fit? Who are we to tell them what size best fits their body type? It's not like Cats are dogs!

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

AHAHA. Listen, stop trying to fit her into these stereotypes of skinny cats. The "cat media" keeps trying to tell us cats should all be a size 0 or look like Cat Car-dash-ian, I mean, is that really realistic.... ;-)

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMissRed

When we put our cats on a diet they followed us around crying. Forget trying to murder us in our sleep they were going with the more effective driving us crazy while we were awake!!

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

LMAO! Sounds familiar...

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSmedette

My sister forwarded this to me and it is hilarious! i have a large large orange cat too. but, he now eats only grain-free food, and it has helped immensely. I feed him Weruva wet food. He has lost 2 pounds in 2 months! Just thought I would pass that along.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

Can she send some of her extra weight over here? Our adult cat has a hard time keeping weight on (and he's been to the vet to rule out health problems).

She's a gorgeous cat. But I totally feel you about the whole murdering you in your sleep thing... I woke up last night to find our cat and kitten sitting on my night stand STARING at me. For a second until my eyes adjusted all I could see were their eyes. Creepy.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly

Tears! I am laughing TEARS. Funniest thing I've read in ages. Thank you, Alice--I really needed that! And I wish I had a cat.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEl-e-e

Izzy - do NOT murder your "owner" in her sleep -- remember - you don't have opposable thumbs - who would open your cat food for you? And do you really want to clean your own litter box? Please be practical, you need your house slaves "owners" for some things.

July 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVarda (SquashedMom)

You had me in stitches with this post. My cat Scout looks identical to Izzy but his brother Boots is the one with the "full figure" and we had the same discussion.

Happy 4th!

July 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusan Lewis

This made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

July 4, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersiobhan

Loved this!!! Thank you.

July 4, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermisstraceynolan

Be careful or Izzy will sit on your head in your sleep and then she really can kill you.

July 5, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkate

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