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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Chicago Review Press

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Warning: bag will contain body parts

I signed up for a figure drawing class, which begins this weekend. I like drawing the peoples but sometimes I put together their parts wrongish and render 'em all weird. And so: learning.

In taking this class I hope to overcome the trauma of my first and only other figure drawing class, which I took in seventh grade. I won an art prize, and the award was an afternoon workshop at the local college. They didn't call it "figure drawing," they called it "life drawing," so I, a twelve-year-old, naturally assumed they were going to put out a vase of lilies or a plate of fruit. Fruit! Flowers! Life!

There were no flowers, but they put out a fruit plate, all right. Fruit basket? What's the euphemism for man parts? Anyway. Twelve-year-old me walked into a class filled with sophisticated college kids and was confronted with her first naked guy. It was not how she dreamed it would happen, if ever she dreamed such things.

I soldiered through the class, but I don't remember a second of it. I only know I stayed because I would have been too scared to leave, knocking over my easel in the process, somehow colliding with the model in front of everyone, etc. I'm sure I behaved in a polite and professional and terrified manner as I tried to make sense of the shadows and contours I was recreating on my newsprint pad.

Fortunately I am now fully grown, and willing to draw any and all private parts that might be on display, as far as a class setting is concerned. (The teacher will no doubt wonder why I disregarded the rest of the body, but never mind.) As naked people fail to worry me, I've been preoccupied with how I was going to tote the materials required for the class-- materials that include include the largest sketch pad ever in the universe. The class is an hour commute and a couple of subway lines from my home. A plastic bag wouldn't cut it for this monster. I like to worry about things, apparently. But it turns out that of course there are tote bags you can buy for even the largest of sketch pads. At any price point. Of course.

I ordered the low-to-mid-range one, and this is the box it came in today. I got worried again.



Henry asked, "What's in that?" and I said, "My new purse!" He didn't seem surprised.

Compared to the giant box, however, the bag is not horrifyingly large. Above the bag sits my annoyed cat. Whenever a box arrives, she expects to sit in it. Why can't she SIT IN THIS GODDAMN THING.


(As you can see, her diet is going well, coughcough throatclearing.)

More soon, possibly with artistic nudes, but I can't promise they'll be tasteful.

Reader Comments (10)

I, for one, cannot wait to see your tasteless drawings of nekkid fruit.

No, really. CAN'T WAIT.

September 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren from Chookooloonks

Love it. Dig your blog. Thanks for sharing!

September 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMom Off Meth

This post (and that packaging) reminds me of when I had my first I.U.D. (installed? injected?) anyway, the doctor's office asked me to buy it and bring it to my appointment.

I handed the pharmacist my prescription and he gave me a box the size of a loaf of bread.

"This thing better be 99% packaging," I remarked, but he just smiled, unaware of the female condition.

Have fun at art class, and I will sign up RIGHT NOW for a signed water colour bowl of plums and a large penis.

September 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJeni

I am seriously tickled over your 12-year-old self in class seeing bare man parts of a stranger (I want to giggle). No one thought it was, gee, odd, that a kid was in the class? I hope the shades and contours of the figure to be drawn this time 'round is, um, better?

Can't wait to see it. Oh, just draw a nice penis to hold us over. Also, that bag will only comfortably hold one calf, one arm of a not large person. And comfortably for you to carry, not comfort for the calf and arm, because once they're severed that's a bit moot.

September 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterArnebya

That's--Well, I don't know what to say. I'd have reacted much the same, sharing your fears of colliding with Naked Male Model on my way out of class. :) What an introduction to the male form! One of my friends was unpleasantly surprised to find that the male model in her first figure drawing class was a 50-something-year-old who looked exactly like her dad. ["Ack!" in cartoon Cathy tone] I hope you love this weekend's class, Alice. :)

September 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVal

"(The teacher will no doubt wonder why I disregarded the rest of the body, but never mind.)"--tres amusante!

September 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHope

When I was 13, my mom took me to see A Chorus Line for my birthday. It was so amazing until they started talking about masturbation. I felt my entire body go up in flames of mortification. So I feel for your 12-year-old self.

I love that you're going to this class!

September 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCindy

So all of the sudden my work computer says I can't go to your blog because it is PORNOGRAPHY. That's some pretty judgy software.

September 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine

I can't believe they awarded a 12 year old that pun intended...didn't they know WHERE they were sending you?!
Have fun at class...I always enjoy seeing your work.

September 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Absolutely hilarious story. Glad to see you have overcome your trauma! Did you ever tell your school what they had gotten you into?

Founder - iWishfor

September 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterIan Hancock

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