UNCLEAN!
July 14, 2009My friend Irene was here last week, visiting from her exotic homeland of London, England. We were at lunch, and then I confessed something, Something horrible.
Me: I have to say, I feel a little gross. I didn't shower for a few days, and then this morning I went to the gym and when I got back home, the water was shut off because they're doing some kind of plumbing work.
Irene: [Horrified stare]
Me: So then there wasn’t enough time to go back to the gym and shower and still meet you for lunch, but we have this kind of large Brita container, which holds a lot of water, but it was in the refrigerator, so I basically gave myself an icy sponge-bath. And then dumped the rest of the water over my head. Which was bracing, to say the least. It was like an ice-cream headache, only more so.
[Irene stares at me as if I had told her that I like to poop in the sink.]
Irene: But…why didn't you shower in—how many days, did you say?
Me: Um. A few? Maybe a couple. I kind of can't remember.
Irene: You can't remember the last time you showered?
Me: I can't say my showers are all that memorable. Don't look at me like that. You live in Europe! You should be comfortable with the unwashed!
Irene: You used to shower every day, in college!
Me: Are you saying you still shower every day?
Irene: …
Me: !
Then we agreed never to talk again.
Or rather, we made fun of each other for a while, then changed the topic. I may have made her smell me, at some point. (For the record, I smelled fine. Ice water and baby wipes can accomplish quite a bit.)
It should be said that Irene does not have kids. (And no disparaging Irene, please; she's one of my best friends and I will have to come to your house and give you a noogie if you do.) (Don't think I won't.) So I could say that she has all the time in the world to take daily showers. But my son is six. It's not like he's an infant. I have time. And yet I find myself forgetting to shower. Forgetting, or deciding there are better things to do, like, I don't know, read? You can't read in the shower, after all. Someone needs to fix that.
I ran into my other friend (I have more than one!) Jennifer today, and we were talking about this not-showering habit of the children-having. Jennifer has two kids, so she has more reason to not shower. "Not only do I not shower, but I forget to brush my hair," she said.
"I don't own a brush," I countered.
"I never look in the mirror," she said. "One day I got my hair wet in the outdoor sprinkler, and my hair was all plastered down on one side and it was like that all day. And I had no idea."
"Oh, I have to look in the mirror," I said, "because I usually have something crazy stuck in my hair. Like a cat toy, or a pack of gum. Seriously. Did I tell you about the time I walked around with a hanger hanging from the back of my coat? I never leave home without giving myself a once-over."
"I'm going to shower now," Jennifer said, "Since I just went to the gym. So that’s good, right?"
"I hope your water is on, but if it's not, may I recommend ice water and baby wipes?"
Somewhere in England, a glamorous, freshly showered woman wept for all of us.
Reader Comments (138)
horrible confession: I brush my teeth less than I should because I either forget or at night, I fall asleep on the couch.
I do own a brush now, but there was a 6 year stretch when I didn't. If my hair were short still, i still wouldn't have one.
I just ran into a mom today who, unshowered like me, said she had just purcahsed dry shampoo so she could go days without the shower. This is incredible - there are products for us?
I have moved to the night shower but even then sometimes I don't want to go to sleep with wet hair and I feel like I might pass out at any moment so the hair gets skipped. Oops. I'm prego - again - sue me! People are lucky I even remember to get dressed in the morning with a 1 and 2 year old and 1 on the way.
Alice your ice shower is great! Dear lord you must have REALLY needed a wash. I firmly believe that after that PLUS miracle baby wipes you are clean. Fab post!
I have trained myself to look in the mirror in the mornings, but as the day progresses I rarely remember to take another glance. For instance, if by some act of God the naps overlap AND I don't have any housework to do, I MIGHT (oh hells yes I will) take a little cat-nap. Let's assume I swiped on a bit of mascara in the morning, as this is the one bit of make-up I rely upon to keep me from looking like the walking dead. It is then safe to assume that said mascara melted all over my face during my nap. It is also safe to assume that I take my children to Target in the afternoon looking like Alice Cooper. Damn.
Full disclosure: I have one child who's now 14, but you can bet your bippy that I've showered daily all through his childhood.
A selfish mom is a clean mom!
Also - the time at work (same employer) when I was walking along with colleagues and had these flowy pants on and all of a sudden a pair of panties shot out of my right leg. It had apparently adhered itself to the inside and the pants were so flowy, I didn't notice. Did I mention one of those colleagues was my boss? And he was a man? Yeah. Welcome to my embarrassing life.
Then, this other time, that has nothing to do with laundry or showering, but I was walking across the parking lot at work (same job), and directly in front of the largest conference room on campus, that had a glass window, so you know everyone was gazing outside because they were bored silly. Well, I walked under a low branch and my bun dealie got stuck. As in it stopped me cold, and I spent a good five minutes flailing my arms about the place because I was basically pinned to the tree via my hair. In front of the big window and the bored people. Again, yay, me. Tee hee!
Wow - bit off track, but I'm sure yer giggling. Cuz you can't help yourself. It's just soooo very sad. And it happens to me all the damn time. So I just laugh.
Welcome to my daily existence.
I'm thinking once every other week? *shudder*
i just dreamed last night that i ran into an old friend looking looking like this and i was horribly embarrassed. so i woke up this morning and decided that was a cue to head to the bathroom. but i still haven't yet.
so i would find this post funny on any day, but today: perfect.