Transcript of phone conversation from two minutes ago.

"I just wanted you to know! I called the exterminator! There's a thing! In our garage!"

"Why are you out of breath?"

"I'm running in circles! So anyway! This thing must go! The exterminator is coming!"

"Like an insect thing?"

"OH NO NO NO! Like a big fuzzy gray thing! Big! Very big!'

"Can you stop talking in exclamations?"

"No! It's very big! Way up high, in the rafters, where it can drop on me! So I'm never going in there again!"

"Is it like a—"

"Probably a raccoon! Or a possum! Or a mutant raccoon/possum hybrid! I asked him if it was rabid and he laughed at me! I think that means no!"

"Okay, honey? I'm sure it's fine."

"He said it was $185!"

"What's a 185?"

"No, $185!"

"Oh, I thought that was like a code. Like, we got a 185 up here! We got a 324 situation in the garage. Like that! Ha ha!"

(silence.)

"Honey?"

"I never wanted to live here. I hate nature."

"I think it was your decision, actually."

"He's going to set a trap. That means we have to call back when the trap is filled. It's going to be in the trap. I'm never going near the trap. Never never never ever."

"No one said you had to."

"I'm going back outside to get my stuff. If the raccoon eats me, you have to marry again. Henry needs a mom."

"I think I'll marry the raccoon. Then there will always be a little bit of you around."

Comments

[LizPres]

This is tragic, obviously, but also a weensy bit funny. Also, the two conversational notes by you posted on Mighty Girl made me laugh very hard --- 'A two page spread that said, "yes."' Hope all scary nature is soon gone from your yard, leaving only sunshine and easily identified plants.

[Tara]

Nature is beautiful, as long as it's outside my windows.

I had a squirrel get into the house once via the exhaust fan vent over the stove, and. . . well, my reaction was embarrassing for a girl who grew up in the country. Thank goodness the poor thing made it back outside safely before we all had heart attacks (he/she/it was clearly every bit as scared as I was!).

The cats and dogs were entertained, though. And it's really all about them.

[braine]

This is one of those things where he's at work and he hangs up and he's thinking "wait, oh shit, wait, am I supposed to go home?"

Husbands know these situations as 185s, coincidentally. "We've got a 185 on line 2! Propane tank fell off barbecue! Wife handling, husband unsure if supposed to return home."

[Evie]

I went outside one afternoon after putting my twins down for a nap and watched our cat go back inside the door, obviously stalking something. There was a huge HUGE snake coiled up in the middle of the kitchen. Coiled up and hissing with its snake head in the air. Hissing at my cat and in-between me outside and my kids napping inside.

I screamed for hubby right quick on that one. Now that's living rural-like.

[Weeze]

Dear Alice: This is a sign. Come back to Brooklyn. Your former neighbor.

[Mallory]

OMG! What happened to the cat?!?!?! And the twins?!?!

[a cup of tea]

Oh I hope it goes away. When I was a younger, a possum got itself stuck in our basement window. It died there, and we discovered it from the smell.

I loved growing up with trees and grass and a hammock and a creek and deer running through our yard, but I will never, ever forget that dead possum smell.

[Dregina]

Now, if you were Donna, you would shoot it, skin it, and cook it up for Henry.

[Jennifer]

When my husband was a boy, a stray cat got up into their ceiling (tropical country = no insulation = easy feline ingress and egress).

The cat took a wrong turn and fell through the ceiling. Into the fish tank.

He also has a possum story, but it's not nearly as amusing.

[SparklieSunShine]

Okay, now that is funny.

[Jenn]

ROTFL!!

[Pixie]

Dare I say it? .....at least it wasn't a bat in the house.





Yet.

[nate]

When my daughter was about 2 weeks old, I was sitting in the l.r. w/ her on a Sunday afternoon, and started noticing some odd scratching noises. Went upstairs (where husband was working) and asked if he was doing anything different--no, just sitting on the chair, working on the computer. Went back down to the first floor--dog was sitting in the kitchen, looking at the wall hiding the chimney, w/ head cocked. Went to basement--cats were sitting on the floor, gazing raptly at the boiler pipe.

So, after determining that it was either a bird or a squirrel, we started calling pest control companies. My husband explained the situation to the first person we reached. Her response? "Wow, I don't know HOW you're going to get him out of there!"

HELLO?!? Isn't that what YOU'RE supposed to be the expert on?

We were finally able to reach some people who knew what they were doing, who ended up setting a trap at the bottom, where it opened up to the former incinerator (gotta love these old houses), and going away for the night. The next morning--slam. One very angry squirrel trapped in a cage in our basement. Two very curious cats, wanting to get into said basement, to explore their new toy.

And...it was a a bit chilly until then, since I didn't want to turn on the heat for fear of roasting the squirrel.

The next day, when the guys came back, they told me they'd release our guest on the other side of town. When I expressed concern that the squirrel would be separated from his family, they looked at me like I was nuts.

Goofball Madison bleeding-heart liberals...

[kelly]

bwahahah!

You've got some sound reasoning here. But expect it to be thwarted by the furry whatever it is...I swear, nature always wins.

[Joe]

Go Rambo, go Rambo, go Rambo

[Stephanie]

What does a raccoon trap look like? A super-sized mouse trap?

[tortoiseshelly]

Hmmm. I wonder if Henry would eat for the raccoon.

[Mauigirl52]

The raccoon is probably the one that used to live in our attic until we had our roof re-done! I hate to say this, but she probably has babies in there too!

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I think the fact that your husband would be willing to marry the raccoon that ate you displays a level of love and romance that you can only find in sci-fi novels written by Disney people. You. Are so. Lucky.

[BOSSY]

Real live wild animals are just so... unpredictable.

[R]

Bwahaha! The last line is the best.

[Nichole]

My in-laws have regular encounters with flying squirrels in their house. The latest one they found was apparently suicidal.

But that isn't my favorite wildlife story. I still laugh when I think about the time my dad found a duck trapped behind the screen in his fireplace.

[Samantha Jo Campen]

That is bloody brilliant.

[OMSH]

This reminds me of when I see a roach in the house. Except the conversation is me yelling from the top of the stove to my children.

They come racing in with shoes and save the day.

I love my children.

I can't handle roaches, and yet, I caught a Copperhead in a minnow bucket using only a broom.

[slouching mom]

A 185. Oh how I love that.