Topics I am considering writing about, or further proof that I am not as bright as I'd like to believe
April 29, 2011-the time I walked into a steam room holding a handful of Hershey's Kisses
-as an awkward and (needless to say) extremely white junior-high school student with a mouthful of braces, chose to perform a monologue spoken by "Mama" in "Raisin in the Sun"
-the time I sprayed red-pepper spray at a menacing stranger but lost my nerve and aimed for his ankles
-when I fully believed my summer-camp friend who told me she could get Paul McCartney and Wings and ELO to attend my Billy Joel musical
-the day I hit myself repeatedly in the foot with a hammer, for what I believed was medical reasons
-when I broke my tailbone because I slipped holding a cocktail and I didn't put my arms down because then I'd spill my drink
-when I (after a few drinks) told Gloria Steinem I loved her and her "whole feminist thing"
-a trillion even more idiotic things I have done while drunk, sleepy, panicked, or all three
If any of these sound especially intriguing to you, let me know, and I'll see what I can put together, for your amusement.
Reader Comments (51)
You had me at "Billy Joel Musical."
All of the above, please.
Also, reading about the broken tailbone / unspilled drink, I found myself thinking, "Well, yeah." I'd have done the same thing. Even if the drink had been tap water.
I'd love to hear more about them all! It would also be fun to have readers share their own "Not as bright as I'd like to believe I am" moments! I still laugh until I pee when I remember all the "worst parenting moment" stories.
MUST hear more about the Gloria Steinem comment. Her response?
Reminds me of the time in college I was to chauffeur my idol, columnist Ellen Goodman, to the airport after a speech on campus. I was so petrified, all I could do was gesture to the bowl of mints on her guest house coffee table and say, "Oh look! You have candies!"
I'd love to hear how you pepper-sprayed the menacing stranger's ankles. That made me laugh just envisioning it in my head.
You never let us down, Alice! Your Gloria Steinem comment reminds me of a friend (honestly, it wasn't me) who ran into Diane Keaton in an airport. He said to her, "I loved you in Baby Boom". That one makes me laugh every time I think of it.
all of them!
I am dying to hear Gloria Steinem's response, so I vote for that one!
But honestly, you could write about watching paint dry and it would still be hilarious.
Oh Lord, all of them please!
Distract me from the disaster that is about to befall me. My two girls are playing with water balloons in the backyard. One of my more shining moments of parental ineptitude was leaving Target with two (not one!) packs of water balloons and a sad, sinking sensation.
Nothing good will come of this.
Unless I can come up with a way to make water balloon cocktails and train them to throw them in my mouth??
The hammer. Please, oh please, the hammer.
What about the time you smacked your Army brother in the face the night before your wedding at that bar in Waco at 4am because he was trying to make you feel guilty about everything mean you ever did to your mother and the war.
While I love drunk stories in general (why doesn't every blogger write more of those?) I'm really dying to hear how the pepper spray incident turned out!
Yes please. To all
I smell a book sequel...Let's Panic About Awkwardness! I would totally read that.
I'm already laughing just imaging the pepper spray scenario. I must hear the rest of that story!
All of them, yes, but the pepper spray in particular. I hope it at least slightly irritated the skin.
Ooh, I'd like to hear the Raisin in the Sun one.
I seriously don't think I'll be able to sleep without the rest of Pepper Spray and Steinem. Don't leave me hangin'!
I want to hear the Gloria story.
Especially if there was irreverent hand waving about the whole feminist thing.
I love the whole feminist thing too. And the whole Playboy bunny thing as well.
I slipped holding a glass once and DID drop it - and without thinking put a hand down to catch my fall and planted it in all the broken glass. Ended up with two severed tendons and a sliced nerve, 40 stiches, hasty surgery, a very strange-looking cast, wrist spasms from the awkward angle at which my hand was bent forward for three months, and a lot of fucking expensive hand therapy which involved terribly difficult finger exercises like the "bend and hold", and the "pinky curl". I don't know how that compares to a broken tailbone, but at least you got to finish your drink?
Apparently I'm the only one, but hershey's kisses in the steam room is cracking me up already...seriously. It almost doesn't need any more story. But I want it!
Shereen, sometimes the memory of me doing that will pop into my head and it makes me so happy/horrified.
Yes and please.
I second the pepper spray, mostly because I was too polite one time to tell a guy hairdresser he was pulling my hair too hard, and then it actually turned out he was pulling my hair out and he said, "Honey, why didn't you tell me I was hurting you!"
Because it would be embarrassing and impolite to ask you not to pull ym hair, that's why!
So, I also think I'd probably also find it too impolite to pepper spray somebody so... Yes. I want to hear more about that.