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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Toddlers talk funny, and sometimes we misunderstand them, to humorous effect.

Imagine, if you are able: Scott comes home; Henry and I are listening to music, as is our way at times (those times being when we are not making Playdoh pancakes or weeping into our fists).

Scott: What are you listening to, sport?

Henry: It’s a song about fucking.

Scott looks at me.

Me: That’s not what he’s saying! He’s obviously saying something else!

Henry (delighted): It’s about fucking! FUCKING!

Me: I know he’s saying something else! I just can’t identify what it is!

I waited for him to lie his dinosaur on top of Spider-Man and say, “Like that! Fucking!” But fortunately for me and sadly for this blog, no.

Now before I endure another onslaught of scandalized emails: PEOPLE. He was not saying that. He speaks in the charming but often baffling language of toddler-ese, where f’s become s’s and “puppies” becomes something obscene. He was probably saying “It’s a song I enjoy very fucking much.” Like that! You see!

Reader Comments (37)

I don't often comment on blogs that I have only visited once or twice, but this is sad. Not that your son said what he said, but that some idiot has taken the entire thing out of content, and has gone so far as to say crude things.

Don't disappear. Let the moron be a moron as long as he wants. You're obviously above that, or it wouldn't offend you, so blog on.

If you decide to leave, we'll miss you, and we really hope you come back.
January 23, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermai
My one year old has been trying to repeat words for the past couple of months, and can say a few... But last week out of the blue, she broke the strap on a little plastic pail she was playing with and shouted, "Oh, FUCK." My friends and I were quiet for a few minutes afterward until Greg asked, "Did she just say what I think she said?" Yes. She did.
January 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSara
OK....longtime lurker/enjoyer/laugher-until-tears-spew-from-my-eyes-almost-EVERYTIME-I-READ-YOUR-BLOG speaks out....

When I was a toddler, I looooved fried chicken. And we were also broke, so we ate Kentucky Fried Chicken a lot, and I subsequently developed an attachment to the Colonel's Original Recipe. Naturally I could not say Kentucky Fried Chicken with any eloquence AT ALL, so it always came out "Fucky Fry". In context, "I wan go Fucky Fry." Momma found this HILARIOUS and used to get me to say it in front of people at any opportunity. And she wonders why I became an actor....

And I'm really fucking sorry that those people were so cruel to you. No one deserves such treatment, and I was appalled to hear of it. Please know you get a great big hug from me, and a hearty thanks that you go right on keepin' on. That is remarkable, admirable and pretty kickass of you. I would've missed it very much.

Love from Stacy in Chicago
January 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterthinkerbell
February 1, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlily
SNORT! Imagine my horror when my two-year-old screamed "BITCH!" at me in a voice that sounded something like that Redrum twerp in "The Shining." It took me awhile, but I finally figured out he was trying to say "Bets," which is my nickname.

But better yet was the day he looked at me and said, "Fuck, Mommy." I employed Mommy-reverse-psychology and blythely ignored him, until about 3 dozen "Fuck, Mommies" later I suggested that the word he was using is a word that will make other people sad, and perhaps he should whisper it. What ensued was an onslaught of "Fuck, Mommies" in gradually decreasing volumes, and Andrew demanding to know whether he'd said "fuck" softly enough.

Of course my daughter Phoebe is much more direct. One day after a tirade from my husband about how if he was going to do household chores he should just "fucking go to work," Phoebe informed Andrew that Daddy was out on the deck fucking.

Vive le F-bomb!
February 2, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBetsy
When we were waiting for a doctor appointment, in a playroom (and thankfully alone), my four year old was driving a "Flinstone" car, you know where the motor is the kid's feet? So she kept braking, looking out her window and and saying FUCK as clear as day. She also got out of the car and kicked it, saying dammit dammit dammit, (just like her mom did a couple of days before when our Flinstone car was acting up).

Mind you she has only been familiar with the English language, not to mention riding in cars, for seven months. Already she has driving and swearing integrated in her mind. ~:-o
February 19, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSue
I haven't laughed this hard in months! So glad my husband isn't home yet to roll his eyes when I try to repeat EVERY story to him becuase it is SO funny he has to hear it RIGHT NOW! I live vicariously thorugh all my child-raising friends, and it's good to know they aren't doing it right all the time. But kudos to those of you who are trying and I hope you teach your children humor above all. A new fan here.
February 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Oh man..kind of I am reading this I was trying to teach my nearly 3 year old how to say popcorn. She says opcorn instead. So my hubby and i were here saying POP corn and she proceeded to say quite loudly and proudly: POP PORN!!! :D Gotta love it.
February 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJen S.
Well.. if it makes you feel any better, my 3 year old daughter routinely tells me to fuck off.. something she picked up from my 16 year old brother. It's wonderful.. life with a 3 year old.. isn't it?
February 25, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSandra
Sorry but not a toddler story although our toddler does such things...

We were having a family Thanksgiving which included our very proper parents now in their late seventies (no swearing, no profanities, no curses) There were about 15 of us at the table including a four year old who was the son of my brother-in-law's sister. We're a talkative and somewhat loud family and as were are eating dessert this young boy says "Pass the whipped cream, please." No one hears him so he says it once again..."Pass the whipped cream, please."...still no movement of sweet dairy dessert toppings in the direction of said four year old. Frustrated the boy says (now quite loudly) "Pass the fucking whipped cream!" First silence at the table. Next a nearby adult picks-up a porcelin bowl of previously mentioned sweet dairy product and passes to the boy. Dessert continues... I laughed so hard later that day that I thought that i was goinfg to do myself harm.
March 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJay
Your journal is absolutely HILARIOUS! And this journal really got me because my brother and I were babysitting several years ago and were in the boy's room when he sits down in this funny looking blow-up chair and says "This is my fuckin' chair."We both looked at each other and then looked at him and said "What did you say"... again he said "This is my fuckin' chair."It wasn't until many episodes of "Blues Clues" later that we realized that what he was trying to say was that it was his "thinkin' chair"... but it was humorous at the time, especially because he wasn't my kid and I hadn't taught him the word.Now as for the time he marched around the room with his action figure saying "shit, shit, shit, shit" repeatedly... I have NO idea what that was. I asked him where he'd heard the word and he said "Around Town"... little punk!Thanks for the laughs!
May 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterRachel
I realize this post was from over a year ago, but I've been surreptitiously working my way through the archives and trying to laugh without making any noise (at work. shhh...) and just thought I'd share my story. (by the way, I'm laughing so hard most days while doing this stealth archive reading that my sides hurt)

When my middle nephew was about 3, he played with some of the tough older kids (you know, the 5-6 year olds) in their neighborhood. One day, he came home and banged on the screen door to be let in. My sister went to the door to be greeted with "Hi Mom! Fuck You!!" He had heard the older kids saying this and took it to be some sort of greeting!

The best one though was when his loser of a dad (who had been kicked out a year or more before) called him. "Hi Dad!! Fuck You!!"

The rest of the family all thought this was the only greeting for loser-dad.
March 2, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLori

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