Toddlers are less fun when they're sick.

The child is sick and has been crying crying crying nonstop for hours every day and as he screams my mind gets all dark and I feel like those evil little imps from the movie “Ghost” that go “bleah bleah” as they seep out of the shadows to drag the bad people into hell. (Yes, I just made a “Ghost” reference. I have not the mental energy to come up with something more clever. Someday I’ll make a Svankmajer reference, and won’t you be impressed then? Won’t you?) He’s in a constant state of crisis, always frantically needing something that is impossible to deliver, since apparently feverish toddlers believe that their teary protests will rend the fabric of reality, so that the very item they desire will come bounding toward them from some alternate universe. So, for instance, he wants a cracker BUT NOT THAT CRACKER! OH GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST OFFERED ME THE ONE CRACKER I DO NOT WANT, DAMN YOU, THE INJUSTICE, I WILL CLUTCH AT YOUR ANKLES AND WEEP WHILE POINTING AT THE SHELVES AT SOME OTHER BOX THAT ISN’T CRACKERS BUT SWEET CHRIST STOP TELLING ME IT ISN’T CRACKERS, JUST GIVE ME THE CRACKERS THAT SHOULD BE IN THERE, I DON’T CARE HOW IT’S DONE, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR LOGIC! I WILL SCREAM LOUDER, SO YOU GET THE POINT! AAAAAAIGH! NOW DO YOU SEE!

I am completely, utterly drained. I keep thinking he’s feeling better and then I’ll try to, say, put his shoes on and he’ll rip off the happy mask and shriek I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE PUTTING SHOES ON ME AT A MOMENT LIKE THIS, THE PRECISE MOMENT WHEN THE LAST THING I NEEDED OR COULD HANDLE WAS SHOES! I DEMAND TO GO OUTSIDE TO THE GLASS- AND POOP-FESTOONED STREET BUT I WILL NEVER WEAR THOSE FOOT COVERINGS! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LIVE BY YOUR RULES! HERE IS MORE SCREAMING FOR YOU!

He’s finally taking a nap although GOD HE DIDN’T WANT TO, WHY DID I PUT HIM IN THE CRIB OF DOOM. But, oh, he’ll wake up.

Comments

[Melissa]

I have a headache.

I hope he's stabilized soon....have you thought about prozac? You know, just to get him through this rough spot?

[Martha]

Oh, I know that toddler. He was living in my house two weeks ago.

You do survive it, but it takes large quantities of alcohol.

[dr. dave]

Uh-huh.

Word of advice?

Print that entry out and hang it on your fridge in two years when you're thinking about having ANOTHER ONE!

OH MY GOD THE SCREAMING AND THE NOT SLEEPING! WHY? WHY? WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? WE DID THIS 4 YEARS AGO!! IT WAS OVER!! OVER!!! AND NOW THE SCREAMING AND NOT SLEEPING IS BACK!!

Just say no.

[panajane]

I hope it (whatever it is) goes away and he feels better soon. Being sick sucks. Poor little dude.

[jilbur]

Aiiiieeeee! who told you I was trying to get knocked up again? Why? Why? Is it too late? *counts on fingers*oops--sorry--you're the one who's supposed to be pitied right now. I mean, Henry--no wait, on second thought, you.

[lizardek]

I feel your pain.

[mimi smartypants]

Something about the no-shred-of-logic toddler screaming and freaking out makes me smile a tiny bit. I know it's mean to laugh at them, but damn, it's just so over the top.

It makes me smile a tiny bit, that is, when it doesn't make me want to throw them out the window. There are times when Nora should count herself lucky to be living on the first floor.

[sac]

Ha! That is a perfect verbal interpretation of an irrational tantrum.

[Charla]

Just one question: How did you get my child?

[MissPixie]

"HERE IS MORE SCREAMING FOR YOU!"

That made me spit at my monitor.

Hee.

I adore yr blog.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

I recommend codeine.

[jilbur]

codeine for which of them? or both?

[alice]

Well, it looks like I'm the one who needs the codeine now, as my temperature is hovering around 102 and I want to have some tantrums, for a change...

[anne]

i was actually impressed by how you worked in the svankmajer reference while pretending you didn't have the energy to make it.this was just all around excellent. thank you.

[jilbur]

oh yeah--nice occupatio!Also--fever sucks; but at least it's often an effective sleep aid. If, that is, you can get your spouse to remove noisy toddlers from the vicinity.

[Stacie]

Oh. My. God! I laughed out loud at this post. That is exactly what my daughter has been doing lately. I'm hoping it's teething and that it will stop....SOON!

[chris]

Stop, please stop. I'm gonna pee. You're too funny.

[the mighty jimbo]

is it possible to just order babies without the crying/pooping/puking/breaking/runningintothestreetorotherwisefindingdanger genes?

[Julia S]

Hmmm, I'm a little concerned about Henry's rash in the new picture. It looks a bit like lizarditis to me (the tell-tale blues and greens) and, not to scare you, I have studied extensively at webMD.

Feel better. Then come and pick up my irrational feverish toddler for a few weeks. Camp Finslippy ho!

[Brooklyn Mama]

A Svankmajer reference would indeed impress me very much!

Your blog is great - hope you all feel better and less dramatic soon.