Home - Top Row


Home - Bottom Row

Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« If you're wondering where all the liquor in the tri-state area went, here's your answer. | Main | Dear city: I chose you over the suburbs, and this is what I get? »

Today, so far.

4:30 a.m. – 6:30 a.m.: Lying awake, trying to make sense of vestibule incident. How did he get right up behind me like that? I thought I was always on guard; where did my guard go? Ponder Freudian significance of man entering my vestibule without permission. Both of my former therapists would have had a field day with this.

9:00 a.m.: Wake up. Husband has let me sleep in! Good, good husband! Remember to keep husband around. Sondre Lerche would probably demand that I get up early to prepare his kippers. As I stumble to the bathroom, I step on something that reacts with a frantic whirring. I look down and GOOD GOD NOT AGAIN. I run to bathroom, hide behind door, and yelp. Husband quickly interpets yelp and runs to my aid, killing the waterbug dead with a manly stomp. Sondre Lerche would probably write a ballad about it as it chased me around the apartment.

11:30 a.m.: Finally drag child out of the house. He doesn’t want to leave. It's 120 degrees outside; I don’t blame him. But across the street is the supermarket, and in the supermarket there is food. In the refrigerator there are only moldering chicken parts and dusty, bluish bread. To the supermarket we go.

12 noon: Outside the supermarket is a woman gesturing angrily at the air. Henry wants me to hold him, and fool that I am, I believe I can reason with him. As I finally give in and attempt to lift him as well as 20 pounds of groceries, the woman is lifting her shirt and skirt and exposing herself to anyone who will look. Henry gazes at her disinterestedly, and she gives a show to the one person on the sidewalk who doesn’t register her actions as shocking.

I'm sure I'll have more later.

Reader Comments (26)

Where do you live?? Your "street folk" seem more than bizzare- maybe it's the heat thats cooking everyones brains? I'm so glad that you're alright, I was really scared for you reading that last post.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNic
nice.... gotta love the public displays of nudity. Hey what ever happened to that woman you were trying to be-friend at the grocery is she still there?
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermojavi
So proud of you that you left the house so soon! Good job!
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKaty
Oh man that incident with the guy in the vestibule sounds awful!
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterM&Co.
I'm glad the husband let you sleep in. I gotta get me one like that!
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
What you don't realize is that I'm lifting my skirt and exposing myself to the computer monitor RIGHT NOW.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Way to get back on that horse, Alice. I wouldn't have been able to get out, I'm afraid.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterbuffi
That Certain City In NJ is still beckoning. We will probably be moving there next year. If enough of Us move there, the twee element will dissolve or at least become unrecognizable, buried beneath dust bunnies or something.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjilbur
I love that it's so farking hot that even young children have no interest in a crazy woman's bits on display for free. Makes me wonder how my neighbors felt seeing me dive into the pool today? Even though my bits were covered. Mostly. I think.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterrose
Wait, why did you pick the city again?
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
I have to say it would probably take a waterbug incident to get me through the vestibule again after a scare like that. Since pepperspray is illegal perhaps we should all tote sample-size cans of Raid around with us?
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLetterB
I've got it! We carry pockets of waterbugs to throw at the various crazies!

Wait, that would involve....carrying pockets of waterbugs. Never mind. Even if we used dead ones, it would still be kind of gross.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHolly
I was reading your post in Union Square when a red-faced alcoholic sat down next to me. Not only was he readjusting the bottle of vodka which was sliding out of his pocket, but doing so with a hook which served in lieu of his right hand.

Ok, maybe he had a bad accident, which really is unfortunate and perhaps a contributing cause to the alcoholism, but this hook was sharply pointed a la Captain Hook. I may be mistaken, but that does not strike me as the current medical standard.

Then his sleeve slipped up and I see all manner of words tattooed there reminding me of the movie where the protagonist has a memory disorder and tattoos key words on himself to jog his memory. I noted a word on his neck as well.

I was determined to ride out the time in the interest of being non-judgemental, polite and celebrating diversity, but then he slipped his hook over the back of the bench as if we’re in the movies on a date. Seat change!
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSara
hey there. I too had a creepy-man-invasion experience. This URL should take you to the page of my blog where I posted about it, last May. It's the May 26th entry.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBecky Sullivan
ok..I'm a wuss, but..I was walking in NY once, and it bothered me that a man was walking right behind me, about 3 feet back. Not a couple of inches to the side - square behind me - so that I could not see him from the corner of my eye.I was like, you do not walk square behind someone like that!!I have no idea what I would do if some guy were trying to get into my house. I'd probably also go apeshit.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterShevon
Becky, no! You're too young to have gone through that. Take it back. I won't have it.

July 26, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Goddamnit! At least get it right, I had to lift my skirt and shirt over my head because the wouldn't slip over my fat ass. I'm only a generation or two late for streaking, sue me.
July 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLisa V
NOW, aren't you glad you didn't move to the suburbs?
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnne
Just think of the fodder you are providing for Henry's Presidential memoirs! :-)

I don't blame you for being too freaked out by the vestibule incident - certainly don't beat yourself up for having let your guard down momentarily. After all, you were just entering YOUR HOME.

Regarding the suburbs - everytime my grandma scolds me for "going into the city" where it is "dangerous", I remind her that people get purse-snatched right in our area Target parking lot. I would no more deny my child seeing other walks of life than seeing the inside lights of Target.
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercagey
Wowweee. You don't hear about female flashers so much. Huh. I hate bugs. And your day is already interesting...
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterRunning2Ks
This is your way of telling us you are moving to the suburbs, isn't it? Dont fight it. It's so much better out much better if you just stop fighting....
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersac
First time commentor, been reading for awhile. We have those "waterbugs" here in Dallas. ewwwww. chills just ran down my spine just TYPING it. LOL! I had a hard time picking up a June Bug out of the washing machine yesterday. I can't imagine picking up a roach or waterbug. If I find one I either vacuum it up and change the bag immediately or leave it for hubby to pickup.

I'm certainly not carrying them in my pocket!

Glad you are ok after the incident in the vestibule. The closest thing we have to that here is panhandlers. And they don't generally approach you though the mean ones will flick buggers on your windshield (j/k).
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKim
Here's an indoor Star-Wars-AND-supermarket related activity for Henry. It's a little movie by the Organic Trade Association called "Store Wars." saw it today and immediately thought of you. There's no flashing in it, or creepy tooth-sucking men - I promise.

p.s. For the record, I'm half sorry to be sending this to you. I, too, am baffled and appalled by Star Wars mania.
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterC
Yeah, the waterbug, that means that I won't be going into the house any time soon. I HATE bugs! I'll take one toothed men and "goods" showing women any day. Well...not in my house, but they can be outside with the bugs.
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina
Wait, all I have to do to be ignored by children is flash my naughty bits in front of a supermarket?? So easy, so brilliant, so subtle and yet endearing!

Seriously, though. When that stuff goes down in NYC (as a former NYer) it really rattles your sense of safety. You should be really proud of yourself for going crazy on the guy, you didn't panic, you didn't freeze up, you just did the right thing -- got him away from you, and called the cops.

ps -- im sure everyone sent you the New Yorker cartoon
July 27, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>