This is disgusting but also amusing, I hope
November 6, 2011Last night I threw up, and this would not be worth noting except for the fact that I have not thrown up since 1978. It was at Hershey Park, I was nine, and, you know. Chocolate bars. Amusement park rides. There was nothing traumatic about that incident, so I'm not sure why I developed a huge fear of throwing up. Oh, but I did! (Huge. Like, cried throughout the first trimester of pregnancy because It might happen. Hyperventilated at the thought of caring for a sick child. Wept if someone threw up in a movie. Still haven't forgiven best friend for sending "funny" picture of one drunk guy puking pretzels and beer on another drunk guy. Huge.)
At some point I controlled my fear by deciding that I would simply not throw up, ever again. Just wouldn't! No matter what occurred in my digestive system, I would fight the urge until it passed.
I am as surprised as anyone that this worked so well.
My pukeophobia eased up somewhat as Henry grew up, and I saw how utterly blasé he was about the act. Once he got carsick and immediately after announced, "Wow! Throwing up is magic!" And then asked for a cookie.
This is all gross, I know. I apologize. If there are any fellow phobics out there, I am well and truly sorry. But maybe this will heal you! Read on!
Anyway, last night I was out visiting a friend, and I endured a thrill-ride cab ride home, during which I began feeling distinctly unwell. Things were not good. I don't know whether it was the takeout Indian, or the wine, or the ride, or the existential horror. Whatever it was, I had the awful realization, as I hobbled to my front door, that this quease would not pass in a few minutes. Guess what, it was saying. Still, I tried to ignore it and get ready for bed as if I were fine, la la la, but my stomach, she demanded my attention. Events were in motion. I could have stayed up all night gritting my teeth and willing myself to continue my decades-long streak, but I gave up. Let's see if this is as all magical as Henry says it is, I thought.
Now, here's the thing. The thing is. My brand-new downstairs neighbors had entered the building right before me. I saw them walking in as I paid for the cab. They turned and saw me. Then ten minutes later I clomped up the stairs in my boots and was … in the bathroom. The bathroom, wherein all sounds carry from apartment to apartment as clearly as if the person were standing right there next to you.
And you guys. I was SO LOUD. I was like a barfing cartoon character. I couldn't control it. I sounded like a muppet puking up major appliances. Like a tortured elephant. Like I was performing self-exorcism and Baalphegor himself had just emerged from my headholes. My husband tweeted about how I loud I was, is how loud. I'm surprised no one on my block called Animal Control.
I don't recall being this vocal when I was little. It was like the entire act was so unnatural to me that every part of my body had to get in on the action. I wasn't trying to be dramatic, but every time another wave came over me-- HEEEEEEEUUYYYOOOOOOOOOOO.
Okay, I need to relax, I thought. I'm just tense so my stomach is spasming and--
BLOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRGHARGHARGHARG.
Scott was knocking on the door, asking if he could come in. I wanted to shout GO AWAY I'M A MONSTER but I didn't have the strength. I needed to save up all my vocal stylings for the next go-round.
GLOOOOOOORPAMOPHOOOOOUL.
As awful as I felt, part of me was cracking up, picturing my poor neighbors downstairs, merrily brushing their teeth after a night out, stopping to look at each other with alarm as their probably psychotic/bulimic neighbor upstairs performed what I'm sure they assume is her nightly ritual.
YAAAAAAAAAABLBLABLAAARRRRRRF.
Have I mentioned that I have not yet met my downstairs neighbors? Yeah. How do I introduce myself now? "Hey! Hello! You might remember me from such sounds as aaaWWWWRRRROOOUUUUUK. Ha, ha! Fun. Hey, hope I didn't ruin your night with my awful. Let me tell you what I ate last night and will never eat again! Where are you going?"
Fortunately the bout was over quickly. I don't think my vocal cords could have taken much more. While I can't say it was magical like Henry promised, I was not nearly as traumatized as I imagined I would be. Still, I think I'm good for another 33 years. Now I'm wondering if I should buy the neighbors some kind of housewarming gift. Maybe a nice gift bucket of corn chowder! No?
Reader Comments (76)
Well, I can hardly stop laughing.
...though I am not exactly known for having a "good" sense of humor.
It's a phenomenon known as Scream Barfing. Yelling WHILE you barf. I don't know why it feels better, but it does. So at least you can know you did it THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Thank you for sharing this little slice of disgusting heaven.
In my old building I could always hear the guy downstairs taking a leak because man pee = loud.
I share the disorder of pukeophobia with you, one that has given me such willpower to endure HOURS of teeth-gritting nausea and nose-breathing instead of the mere idea that throwing up would solve my issues. I have to say there aren't many of us around. I can only hope to have a 33 year streak. Lucky....
I am a fellow phobic (did you know they have a NAME for it? Emetophobia!). I have seriously considered not having children because I don't want to have to deal with the vomit and one of the things I love about my husband is that he has a strong stomach. But you're right - that story, while nauseating, somehow made me a little less freaked out. Maybe this is a new type of therapy?
Dude, the kid is right, barfing IS magical. The worst part of throwing up is the whole part before you actually throw up. Once you throw up you feel instantly better.
I wish I could say that this eased my terrible fear; alas, now I'm worried that one day my patented method of "mind over matter" and immediately pounding Diet Coke and Altoids upon feeling ill will no longer work and I'll meet the end of my own streak.
I envy your barf-free first trimester. I used to throw-up in shopping bags at stoplights.
I understand the "vocal barf" phenomenon. When I was pregnant, I often had to throw up at work - sometimes mid-client interaction. The walls of our office were just sheet rock with no interior insulation, so anything that happened in there might as well have happened in the cubicle village.
One time I had to run away from a potential customer to, um, "resolve the pressing issue." Apparently my guests were quite distressed at the sound, so a caring co-worker assured them I was fine, probably just really hungover from all the previosu night's bender. This explanation was usually fine (and sometimes maybe true) except that I had just told my potential clients that I was pregnant.
They ended up going with State Farm, instead.
Hope you're on the mend, and here's to another barf free decade or two.
So rare that I actually laugh full on out loud while reading a blog. Maybe not the-last-time-was-in-1978 rare, but still, it's generally no more than a "heh," tops. Your GABLORF's and SNARFBLARG's (loosely interpreted) had me actually laughing out loud (which is different than LOL, because no one ever literally means that when they say it). Probably because a former roommate of mine once had an episode of scream barfing, which at the time mostly annoyed me, because it seemed like she must be doing it on purpose (probably just to irritate me), and I really wanted to sleep. Ten years later, and after reading this, I have a bit more sympathy for the situation.
Hope you're feeling better!
you just described my husband, who once won the loudest puker award.
ok, so it was a made up award i gave when 5 of the 6 in our house were puking the same day - but still, he totally deserved it.
note - i was the 6th who was NOT throwing up because i refuse to.
thanks for the funny post!
I am a recovered? recovering? pukeophobe myself. I hadn't thrown up since I was 14, and that combined with a pretty bad anxiety/panic disorder led to me develop a crippling fear of puke. Couldn't go to parties - someone might throw up. Couldn't drink alcohol - I might throw up. That guy with his head down on the subway? Does he look sick to you? Let's get out at the next stop and wait for another train. Someone had to preview movies for me, and I never forgave them if they forgot about a vomit scene - that scene would appear to me unbidden for months. Years. The list of foods I was willing to eat grew shorter and shorter because of my fear of food poisoning. At the age of 27, not having thrown up for 13 years, I had my gallbladder out and the Vicodin they gave me made me throw up exactly once - I never took any more painkillers during my recovery, and had actual nightmares about throwing up again.
I finally googled "fear of vomiting" around age 30 or 31, as my husband and I wanted to have a kid, but I was putting it off because of this phobia and was getting totally angry at myself for not being able to figure it out. As a matter of fact, while I was contemplating getting pregnant, I actually emailed you to ask how someone as anxious as I was could possibly do it - and lo, you wrote back and said kind things to me.
I starting seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist and thank god, because she really helped me. It took a long time - and I went back on meds - but it worked. I caught a stomach bug in the first year of seeing her, and it was awful - I cried, I fought it off, and finally had an experience pretty similar to what you described here. But I lived! And even ate again, eventually! And got pregnant (and didn't throw up). And then my 5-month-old son and I both threw up for a week! And it was terrible...but I lived.
I still dread getting sick, and I am not looking forward to my now 3-year-old's first non-infant puke. Or any subsequent puke, really. But it will happen and we will be ok.
Sorry for the puke, but thank you for the hilarious post.
My husband is a loud puker. It was quite an alarming fact to learn about your beloved. I wondered why on earth he was shouting at the toilet. But I was too sick, myself, to actually investigate, so I just had to hope he'd come back out eventually.
I am seriously impressed that you could hold back throwing up for so many years! I had my tonsils out a couple of years ago and the doctor told me that the worst possible thing that could happen while I was recovering would be to throw up. Well, guess what?! I was the queen of throwing up in that 1 week period and he was RIGHT! The pain meds made me sick, not eating made me sick, being sick made me sick! I tried everything in my power NOT to throw up, but I couldn't hold it back. You have a gift I tell you!
Hilarious! I came from the opposite camp. As a kid, whenever I had a stomach ache, I would pray to throw up because I hate feeling nauseated, and vomiting always settled my stomach. May have had something to do with my developing bulimia. Whoops. Still, while I don't mind vomiting, I HATE cleaning up throw up. My 2.5-year-old daughter gets car sick, and it drives me crazy.
Please share how your neighbors act when you finally introduce yourself!
What cured my fear of vomiting? Stomach flu that arrived mid-flight to Puerto Rico. I puked 3 times on the plane (in my seat!) because I was too dizzy to stand. It was so bad I fainted with my puke bag in hand. The entire plane prayed that I would just die already. It was a horrific mix of my fear of flying/vomiting/public embarassment. How can you be afraid of regular vomit if you lived through puking in your seat on a plane in front of a hundred people.
I'm with Valerie. This post had me laughing so hard my eyes were tearing up, and I'm pretty sure my roommate thinks I'm a little insane, sitting in here cracking up by myself with mascara running down my face. :) Thank you for sharing!
I have a fear of nausea, not of puking. I feel that puking is magical as well (except for pregnancy puking, because the magic doesn't work, and you still feel like crap, plus you probably peed your pants while dry heaving.) I even made up a puke dance back in the day when I was more likely to drink too much, just to get.it.over.with.already. It is a kind of shaky crazy dance - dip up and down and whip your HEAD back and forth, and pray that you can get to your knees in time for the dance to work. Love it.
I am laughing SO HARD right now because this is my husband!!! He is the loudest barfer in the entire world! I have tried for years to coach him through this because I am ridiculous. Not that he barfs that often, but still. "Just relax! You have to be doing that on purpose!" Maybe I will ease up.
I think I'm so obsessive about it because the first time I ever heard his mega-barf, it was in the bus bathroom coming home from formal and my entire sorority heard it. Nobody knew who was in the bathroom, but the WHOLE BUS could hear it, so they sat waiting, laughing, and commenting, to see what unfortunate person was about to stagger back out. So every time he throws up now, I am back on that bus ready to crawl under my gum-encrusted seat in my gown.
I vote that you pretend nothing happened with the neighbors! Heighten the mystery.
I lived in a house with an illegal dwelling built in the back yard - two small apartments. God love slumlords. So the back house was about 4 feet from our house, and one glorious, sunny day - which happened to be my neighbor's day off, a day he liked to spend reading in the sun on his deck - I got food poisoning. Every time I puked - and there were many - I could hear him sigh and rustle his newspaper. I felt so bad for ruining his day.
Now, as a menopausal woman, I have found a lovely new trick. When I puke, I pee. So the wonder of puking is compounded by the embarrassment of pissing oneself. Lack of bladder control is so freaking charming.
I had the delightful experience of throwing up in my front yard a couple of weeks ago during a bout of food poisoning. I don't know for sure if any of my neighbors saw me (and at the time I didn't even really care), but the weather was nice so the odds are pretty good that people were out and about and noticing. I was out walking the dog and I started to feel bad and, well, you know the rest.
I've seriously got a ritual planned for anytime that I'm pretty sure I'm going to chunk it. No joke. I get the shower going, set out some Tums, put a folded towel down to kneel on, and strip. Then I say to myself..."It's time" and that pretty much triggers it all. When I hurl, too, it hurts...back and abs all clench up, at the very least. Once I've finished, I flush, grab the Tums, jump in the hot shower, and gargle/spit/blow out my sinuses, and start crunching down the Tums (both kills the acid from your stomach + masks the taste). Then I enjoy a good soak and try to forget the whole thing.
Throwing up doesn't bother me. I perfected the "puke and rally" in college.
Spiders, on the other hand... don't get me started.
Oh my god, I was laughing so much I couldn't breathe.
I hate the process, but, oh, how I love the fruit.
Yes, Henry, you are right.
NOTHING feels as good as throwing up feels when you really, really are sick as a dog.
You can't help but smile afterward.
BTW, this did not upset me at all... except the first line when I was ready to tweet you and say "EMERGENCY ALICE BRADLEY SOMEONE HAS HIJACKED YOUR BLOG B/C THEY SAY "I THREW UP" and we all know that can't be."