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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
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This cat diet is really coming along 

As you know because you are a good and faithful reader, Izzy has been on a diet for a few months now. She is…she's a big girl. But we've been whittling down her food supply and giving her higher-quality meals, and the results are paying off! Here she is today.


big boned


As you can see, this is dramatically different from the Izzy from a few months ago.

big boned


Or, hell, even last month.


big boned

I am never going to stop making this joke.

Anyway, as the photos indicate, she's gone from being a big girl to a big angry girl, who thinks about nothing but murder.

We had to take her to the vet a couple of weeks ago due to a horrifying case of diarrhea. As she is so very large, we had to clean her after each bout. She hissed and clawed as we wet-wiped her butt. I don't think our relationship will ever recover. I think I'm okay with that. Maybe we need to establish some emotional distance, Izzy. Also physical distance. You go sit on the fire escape, now. There you go. Anyway, the vet observed that she has a "thick frame" (have you ever!) and said the best we could hope for is to get her down to 15 pounds (well!). She's now holding steady, since September, at 19. This, despite the strict regimen AND her weird virus, which also caused her to sneeze constantly and shun all foods. And breathe through her mouth and loathe us with every fiber of her being. (That last part is possibly not new.)

I'm supposed to get her to exercise, which I am here to tell you I cannot do. She is too fat to move. I have tried. I dangle a toy above her head and she lies on her back and paws at the air, wheezing. I dose her with catnip and THEN dangle a toy and she lies on her back, marveling at the rainbow trails her paw is leaving. She'll gallop across the room maybe once for something, and then she is done and retreats into a corner to rest up and collect more fortifying fat deposits. If I prod her to move any more than that, she'll hide under our bed and plot my untimely end. The only entertainment that really gets her racing around is a mouse, and I am not about to populate my home with vermin so my cat can get fit and trim. I have my limits!

Meanwhile as I'm writing this she's splayed across the top of the couch behind me, breathing like how Darth Vader would breathe if Darth Vader were a cat. Huuuuh-hoooorgh. Huuuuh-hooorgh.

She could jump on my head right now and snap my neck. Good thing she can't read, right? Stupid cat! HahahaaaaURK


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Reader Comments (51)


January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuzy Q

I love difficult, fat, beastly cats. Oh my god.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie We had a cat who looked just like her. Same "heavy frame" and all. Her previous owners named her Aya and we would often call her AY YAY! and karate chop the air. She then became Emily Jane the big fat pain. Althought she was not a pain, just fat.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFrumptastic

So funny!

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWes Novack

Ha! My cat Stella would not even wait for my body to be cold before she'd eat me. And that's with a full bowl of kibble! But, a suggestion: have you tried a laser pointer? Some cats lose their minds over it and it's fun for you because they can NEVER EVER CATCH THE RED BUG HAHAHA. Ahem.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAdrien

Oh, Adrien. Yes. We have several. She remains unimpressed.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlice

Very funny post. Laughed till tears popped out imagining the breathing.
I like the laser pointer suggestion.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJenW

Oh, Izzy. So much like our Xena, a.k.a. "Tons of Fun." No matter what she eats, she's just a big pool of sloppy fat.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAverage Jane

We used to have a vet who said, every time we visited, "if he were my dog he wouldn't weigh that much". Got a little old. He was a lab who got long walks every single day and couldn't wait to inhale the small amount of diet Iams he got every day. No people food ever. What did she think we should do? I just nodded my head after awhile.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlisak

I honestly know nothing about cats except they all seem to loathe their servants. However, I do know that my dog (who is a breed described as cat-like) loves his mechanical hamster- a zhuzhu pet. He's not eaten it but he seems to be enthralled by it's ability to run away, make noise and generally be a good running buddy. Also, he can only have it if we're home - just in case he decides it's lunch.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmy in StL

"a big angry girl, who thinks about nothing but murder"... This is a very apt description of my cat. She is 7 years old and, until recently, the queen of the castle, but then, in very quick succession, we apopted a yellow lab and a calico kitten. I'm pretty sure our death is near.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

They have treat balls for cats (like the Kongs for Dogs). We would put the daily food in several of these so the cats had to work at least a little. That is until the 25 lb siamese, Bear, decided if he wacked it hard enough against the wall he could crack it open :-) Good luck. (So the vet didn't use the South Park Cartman voice and say "I'm not fat, just big boned" ?)

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCat Check

I am crying. From laughing. I thank you.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPaige

We had a similarly corpulent cat. He used to love to sit on the windowsill, and we would always point and laugh at the fat rolls that hung over the edge. Which might have been why he hated us. We gave him away a few months after my son was born, but not because of his weight--he was just such an asshole.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney

Love it! It looks like she's giving you the middle finger but with her eyes. Good thing cats don't have opposable thumbs or you would be seeing that a lot from her and of course, it would aid her in snapping your neck as she lays on the back of the couch plotting the end of days.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Fat Lemon

Hey! I was trying to count the number of floorboards she took up to prove that she looked a little more svelte and it was all worth it. Then I noticed, using skills honed years ago reading Highlights magazine...that there are no differences in those pictures. See how quick I am?!

Next time? Demanding blog readers want a different picture, but on the same floor.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen

You may have already tried this, but a toy with the annoying name "Da Bird" has miraculous powers. Even the elderly tubbo cat we catsit for chases and leaps after it.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEditrix

I had a fat cat for 20 years. People always asked what I fed him and were shocked when I told them "other cats." Don't ask then! As a Himalayan, he had naturally long, thick hair. One scorching summer, we gave him a lion cut (including the little fur ball at the end of his tail). He looked ridiculous and I had to laugh every time I saw him. Best.summer.ever.

I miss his fluffy butt. They make good foot warmers.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMotherhood on the Rocks

Well, bless her. She's just what we used to call "big boned." :-)

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKyran

My daughter sings "Big Boned Gal" by kd lang every time our 24 pound cat, Maple, lumbers into the room. I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to use the word "diet" around her; I value my eyeballs.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkate

Oh my god. This is hilarious. We have a giant cat ourselves. Not sure how much she weighs, but now I'm curious. She loves to lay on things. Maybe i can coax her onto the bathroom scale? She's not only large, but fluffy as all get out. That's what we tell her - she's not fat, just fluffy. That's what I repeated when the man delivering our chinese food said something to the effect of "Wow! So big! She's pregnant?" No sir. My cat is not pregnant. She's fluffy, goddamnit!

She had her own bout of diarrhea recently and I'm scared for life. Wet wipes were not enough for this catastrophe, no way. In the end we tried to give her a bath and both my man and I came out of it bleeding. She got a little DIY fluff reduction haircut. Totally lopsided and funny to watch growing back.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

I'm curious what you feed her and how much. I was ashamed last week when I took my cat to the vet and the x-rays show that her belly fat is actually shoving her internal organs into places they're not supposed to be! She weighs 18.5 lbs. As a 15 year old, her idea of physical activity is jumping up on the couch to lie down. I only give her half a cup of food a day, which if the directions on the bag are right, should be starving her to death. But she never loses any weight and usually leaves some food in her bowl. *sigh*

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna

I do believe that we have Izzy's soul mate:

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCorie

"a big angry girl, who thinks about nothing but murder"

I often feel this way when trying to lose weight.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterheidi

hahahaha, this ish is funn-ay!!
Cats can be crazy creatures!

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJenni P

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