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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« In which I use the word "cool" entirely too much. | Main | Burning up. »

Things you wouldn't think you'd have to tell someone, but you do, more than once.

"Open your eyes while you’re running, pal."

"Oh god, never touch anything in a room that smells this bad."

"I really don't enjoy it when you wipe your nose on my face."

"Please don’t eat things you find on your butt."

Add yours below.

Reader Comments (161)

"Look with your eyes, not with your hands"
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersuburban_lush
"Put your penis back in your pants and eat your ketchup covered food. NOW." (said to Jack, age 3)
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKim
This is all toooo funny. I'm cracking up!My most popular lines to my 1 yr old son:

noI said noMommy said no no no no!!!

You are not throwing the food on the floormommy told you no!

Get your hands out of thereyou can play with that on your own time!
April 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdonna
To my (darling) three and a half year old boy:

"NO, i don't want to see your poop, i'm happy that it looks like the letter "S" or the letter "L" or whatever but i don't need to see it"

"you cannot see germs they are just there so wash your hands"

"you cannot see sugarbugs they are just there so brush your teeth!"

"no pickin chicken" when he's picking his nose!

April 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterruby
Sometimes monkeys die.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBuffy Holt
To my almost two-year-old daughter at the playground: "It's OKAY to get a little dirt on your hands."

To the same kid: "If you want to put Mummy's undies on your head, please use clean ones."
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersarah
"I said, STOP KILLING YOUR BROTHER.""Stop makeing your penis big - yes honey it's great but stop.""Get your head out of my shirt.""STOP STEALING THE TOOTHBRUSHES.""Why is the floor wet? You have no juice.""Can't you just keep your pants on? Please?" - meant literally, not figuratively.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermichele
Okay, this one has to be unique, and I only remember it because I blogged it:

"Leave the cat alone. It's not nice to force him to be your sidekick."

April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTrina
get the cat's tail out of your nose.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKara
"Please don't touch other people's garbage."

Said about ten minutes ago, to my 13 year old (!), who decided that the discarded sink from a house that had been condemned was just too hard to resist while on our nightly walk.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBitka
From working with kindergarten and first graders through student teaching and working at summer camps:

"Your nose needs to be gushing blood before you can go to the nurse.""Get your hands out of your pants" (I feel like I say that constantly)

To a little then 3-year-old boy I babysit for:"Your penis isn't broken. You just don't have to use the potty right now. Let's have some juice and try again later."

April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterErin
"Please get out of the dishwasher!"
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
Daddy is *not* a jungle gym.
April 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIan Kennedy
"Keep your mouth off the toilet."

I swear to gawd.
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAngela
To my usually lovely 3yo son...

"Please eat the cookie if you're going to eat it." (do I really have to encourage a child to eat a COOKIE?)

Overheard in the bathroom with Mom, "No, honestly, Mommy doesn't have a penis." (he just wouldn't believe her)

"No, you cannot have candy for breakfast."

"No need to cry over spilled milk." A cliche, I know, but frequent.

And more of a I-don't-think-I've-ever-put-those-words-in-one-sentence kinda thing... "Guinea Pigs are nice to their bulldozers!" (if you can't figure that out, your child isn't obsessed with the Wonder Pets.)
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMatt
Okay, I may be outed as a freak here, but why shouldn't the kids kiss the dog on the butt or tail? I don't mean on the "pucker" - heh - 'cause that's poopy, but why is the fur on the hind end and tail any worse than the mouth that has been who-knows-where?

And I kiss my kitty's hind end all the time. It's just so cute.
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commentershelley
Hmm, well. Besides the fact that it's near where the poop lives, and also the dog sits on it and god knows what that dog sits on, some dogs are sensitive about the hind quarters and can snap at someone who gets, you know, kissy. Plus they don't like being surprised, and what's more surprising than being kissed on the ass when you least expect it?
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteralice
I don't have kids so I don't have much to contribute here but I did laugh and laugh and laugh whilst reading all the comments. Thanks guys.
April 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMarcia Adair
So this what all of us non-mothers are missing out on??? My brain is saying no kids, no kids, no kids.....but these damn ovaries are saying yes, yes, yes to all the licking, picking and various other activities that seem to be at the top of the list!

Damn biological clock!
April 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAlicia
Twins are extra fun:

"Your sister is not a chair."

"Let go of the dog's tail."

"No, you can't play with your brother's penis. I know you don't have one, but you still can't play with his."

"Don't eat the dogfood!"

"Stop hitting yourself in the head with your book."

"Get your face out of your brother's butt." (naked in the bathtub, no less!)

"Stop chewing on the dog's bone."
April 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSandy
(to son)Don't put your hand down your diaper and play with your poop.

(to husband)Well that'll teach you to fall asleep while babysitting.

The son put poop in the husbands open mouth when he fell asleep.
April 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
"Which one of you boys did it again? For the love of Gawd, can't you hold it for five minutes?!"

"No, we do not lick our food off our plates like a dog - USE THE DAMN FORK!!"
April 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPaula
No, thank you. Mommy can wipe herself.
April 21, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine
Three year old twins here...

-Stop licking the cat!

-Please don't stand on your sister's face

-No, you cannot have chocolate for breakfast

April 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjennfurr
stop drinking the butt water!! (I thought calling it butt water instead of bath water might didnt.)

do not dump a whole bottle of shampoo into the bath tub!!

stop splashing...stop splashing!!...STOP SPLASHING DAMN IT!!!
April 24, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdenise

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