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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Welcome to Finslippy. I'm Mrs. Brady. | Main | And now: we dance. »

The two-year-old: Complicated. Lovable. But most of all, psychotic.

8:30 p.m. Thursday. Henry is being tucked in for the night.

Henry: [scratching his ankle] I have an itch.

Me: [Applying hydrocortisone cream to the poor kid’s rashy leg.] How’s that?

Henry: You made it feel better.

Me: Well, I’m glad!

Henry: Thank you for the cream.

Me: [startled] You’re welcome, Henry.

Henry: Thank you for making my rash feel better. I love my Mommy. [Puts a hand out to touch my cheek.] You’re soft.

Me: Who are you and what did you do with my son?

8:30 a.m., Friday. Henry and I are eating oatmeal.

Henry: [sounding eerily like an air horn, if an air horn could speak] No, not this bowl!

Me: You want another bowl?

Henry: [weeping] No!

Me: [sipping my tea calmly while Henry glares at me through his tears of rage]

Henry: Don’t drink your tea!

Me: But I like my tea.

Henry: No--don’t like it!

Me: I’m going to go sit over there now. [I move to the couch. Wouldn’t you?]

Henry: Don’t sit over there! Stand up!

Me: [My resolve falling apart because he’s making his oatmeal soggier with his tears, I stand] Do you want me to sit with you?

Henry: Don’t stand up!

Me: [beginning to sit]

Henry: Don’t sit! Don’t stand!

Me: Ookay.


Reader Comments (67)

Oh how funny... how many times have I been there? Irrational little beasties, aren't they?
January 31, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLiz
This one had me LOL, literally.

These days when my 2-year-old sits on the toilet, she tells me, "Don't say yay to the poop." And we often have similar conversations to yours:"Mommy, whayou eating?""An apple.""No, don't eat an apple.""But I like it.""No, don't like an apple."

Thank you for your blog.
January 31, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Gotta love them kids. It gets better as they get older. I love the no's meaning yes's and the being bossy moments. They say terrible two's are bad, I think the terrible three's are worse. Good luck!
February 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKaroni
Speaking as a part-time nanny, recent ex-teenager, and older sister to two sixteen-year-olds - yes, it gets better. And then it starts right back again. That conversation sounded like some of the fights I had with my mother at fourteen. But don't loose hope! I'm told four to twelve is really nice.
February 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralex
That is truly humorous.
February 13, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKelly AKA Fat Housewife
(I have been away for awhile. I used to have a blog called Navelfuzz, which I pulled because I was afraid it would get my family Dooced. In my new blog's incarnation, I keep some things to myself.)

But enough about me. Thank GOD for this post. No wait, thank YOU!

See, my kid is adopted. And everything she does is seen through that lense by the (unnamed) experts, who freak out when she acts like she is a little younger than her chronological age, which is four. See, she has been really busy for the last seven months learning English, so she is not as mature as the average four year old but definitely more mature than a couple of four year olds I've met.

Anyway, she does this EXACT kind of stuff but the expert critique leaks into my thinking and I have to worry. Your stories about Henry help, because you seem incredibly normal to me, at least as normal as I aspire to be.

Also, I want to say that I am really glad you were convinced by your supporters not to go away. The price you pay for fame, even in the world of blogging, is that people can be incredibly nasty to you. The humor impaired really should stay off your blog. Your blog is not about or for them, and if it was, I would so not read your writing.

Some of the more popular bloggers simply turn off the comment option. If you ever feel like you have to do something about flamers and trolls, do that, but please stay, because the only thing worse than having Finslippy online would be losing Finslippy! (wait that doesn't sound right but you catch my drift.)
February 19, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSue
Ah, how often I am reminded of my poor mother when I read of your struggles! I was the oldest, about 6, and a three year old brother and a baby brother, neither of which were much use but they didn't ask me. I remember we were chasing Mom through the house--we didn't understand she might be trying to lose us--and seeing her dart into the bathroom. She didn't get the door closed in time for my middle brother who jerked the towel closet door open just as Mom pooted. How comical. We left her alone in the closet for a while, listening to her alternate between howls of laughter and sniffles of being overwhelmed. I love my Mom. Think I'll go remind her of that--it'll make her day.
February 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
These are great stories. Thanks for sharing. I think 2 year olds are fabulous. Terrible on occassion. Ok.. almost daily, but sometimes the terrible times are the most fun in hindsight. My 2 and a half year old daughter is really bright, and is beginning to learn to delegate some of her duties.

While we are potty training, I sometimes let my daughter run around the house without a diaper for a short time. She really enjoys this freedom, and she is very good about going to the potty when she is diaper free, at least about going pee pee. The other night, she was running around naked and I noticed her bring a diaper from her room and put her diaper on. A few minutes later, a familiar smell wafted through the air.As we changed her poopy diaper, I said, "You knew you had to go poo poo, so you went to put on a diaper?"She nodded yes."Why didn't you go potty?"She said, "I want to go pee pee on the potty."I answered, "and you don't want to go poo poo on the potty?"To this my wee daughter turned crew boss answered,"NO, MAMA go poo poo on the potty!"

March 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJane
Gotta love that! Should I mention now that it doesn't get much better. Oh, the words change, but they keep the attitude and the wanting to control the world. There's a reason God made them so cute looking, LOL!
March 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie
As the mom of a 2-year old boy, I started surfing the net tonight desperate for suggestions on dealing with his tantrums...instead I found this! MUCH better than the latest expert-speak. I needed a good belly laugh! I'm putting this on my favorites list; thanks!
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