The two-year-old: Complicated. Lovable. But most of all, psychotic.

8:30 p.m. Thursday. Henry is being tucked in for the night.

Henry: [scratching his ankle] I have an itch.

Me: [Applying hydrocortisone cream to the poor kid’s rashy leg.] How’s that?

Henry: You made it feel better.

Me: Well, I’m glad!

Henry: Thank you for the cream.

Me: [startled] You’re welcome, Henry.

Henry: Thank you for making my rash feel better. I love my Mommy. [Puts a hand out to touch my cheek.] You’re soft.

Me: Who are you and what did you do with my son?

8:30 a.m., Friday. Henry and I are eating oatmeal.

Henry: [sounding eerily like an air horn, if an air horn could speak] No, not this bowl!

Me: You want another bowl?

Henry: [weeping] No!

Me: [sipping my tea calmly while Henry glares at me through his tears of rage]

Henry: Don’t drink your tea!

Me: But I like my tea.

Henry: No--don’t like it!

Me: I’m going to go sit over there now. [I move to the couch. Wouldn’t you?]

Henry: Don’t sit over there! Stand up!

Me: [My resolve falling apart because he’s making his oatmeal soggier with his tears, I stand] Do you want me to sit with you?

Henry: Don’t stand up!

Me: [beginning to sit]

Henry: Don’t sit! Don’t stand!

Me: Ookay.

Henry: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Comments

[megan]

OMG - our toddlers were separated at birth! I'm going through the post thinking "yeah, mine does that, yeah, that too..." and then you wrote "Ookay... DON'T SAY OKAY" and I thought - hey! - that's my kid who does that!!

haha!! LOL

[Gen]

Henry is totally channeling my son, Zack. Is it some kind of conspiracy?

[lorrian]

So, Mom, did you lay (lie?) down after this latest episode? LOL!

The *two's* are SO hard...except when they're not (which isn't very often). Cherish those 'soft' times, and keep the faith. They do grow out of it...until the teen years.

LOVE your blog. Thanks for the daily chuckles.

[Jenna]

Too funny...too scary. My 16 month old does this already, just with fuzzier "words" and alot of head nodding, shaking, and earth shattering squeals. I'm officially afraid. Love your blog :)

[Sarcastic Journalist]

i'm experiencing the 6-month-old version of that today. Can't WAIT to see what the future holds....

[Amanda]

Too much! My son (2 1/2) is just like that! IT is SCARY. I wonder if they are planning it all out to see just how long it takes before their Mommies (and Daddies) are collectively put in the appropriate asylums and the whole lot of them can rule the world together!

Thanks for a great Blog! You crack me up.

[lex]

Glad to know I'm not the only one with a psychotic toddler! Just yesterday, I was told from the back seat not to look at her. Easy enough, as I was driving at the time!

[Elaine]

I see now that I am delusional if I ever think I might be in charge... and Lil is so close to real talking. Is this what we're encouraging them to talk for? Aghhhhhh!

[Mir]

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. You understand that he thanked you and told you that you were soft so that you wouldn't punt him out the window over the oatmeal debacle, right?

[Lioness]

If I now step out and get myself impregnated by the first male that walks by, you will be the one I'll blame. You. YOU!

[Claire]

I'm twenty-three, and my mother still won't let me forget a certain moment from my childhood--as a two-year-old, I apparently screamed, "But I DON'T WANT what I want!"

You, too, can lord Henry's toddler-psychosis over him in later years... that might be a silver lining for you. Heh.

[Claire]

I'm in my twenties, and my mother still won't let me forget a certain moment from my childhood--as a two-year-old, I apparently screamed, "But I DON'T WANT what I want!"

You, too, can lord Henry's toddler-psychosis over him in later years... that might be a silver lining for you. Heh.

[ChickenFlicken]

Baw-Haw-Haw!!!

Yes, Henry and my Erin are psychic twins. Cheers to Two-Year-Olds!!

Hey, if it makes you feel better, I went through the terrible twos AND the tyrannical threes with twins just a few short years ago. Yeah, I have a lot of grey hairs.

[H.E.R.]

Ya know, that kind of reminds me of me... I guess indecisiveness really IS annoying. Sorry Boyfriend and Mom!

[Ninotchka]

A HA HA HA I call Elle my little psycho-toddler. She's doing much better but OH MY LORD, I could have switched out the names and a few of the facts in those conversations and they would have been ones I've had with my daughter.

I've also called her a pint-sized emotional terrorist, by the way. Because, yes, she's reduced me to tears, begging for mercy on more than one occasion.

I often describe her as the sweetest kid you'll ever know but also the craziest kid you'll ever know. God love her.

Glad I'm not alone. Thanks for sticking around. I truly enjoy and look forward to reading your posts. :)

[melissaS]

So what did you do? Kind of crouch?

I hope he outgrows it because, even though it would make for awesome blogging, a 20 something psycho isn't very funny to live with.

[Amy]

Poor Mom! My almost 6 year old is luckily not in this stage right now...well, at least at this exact MOMENT (we all know it could change). However, what you describe matches exactly what the dog has been doing for the past week. She is very loving, but again -Nothing is good enough and she doesn't want you to sit or stand or let her out or let her in. And she is almost 3 in human years. Hmmmm. Strange! Thanks for the wonderful reading!

Amy

[Jen]

I laughed so hard... at 4 years old now we are past this, into stranger realms, but the absurdities are always the best.

[Karen the Grandmother]

Hey Alice Brady! This blog is famous now (see NYTimes Fashion section on Sunday). This means the world is a better place. Thanks for capturing all these moments so perfectly.

P.S. Are you part of the Brady Bunch?

Karen, Tallulah's Grandma

[anna]

My toddler, aged 13 (yes, years, not months) is just like that too! One minute he says, "Can I have a huggle?" (this is a combination of a hug and a cuddle) and the next he's sulking. See, they don't change much, men, do they?And you've just reminded me of what his big sister said when SHE was two or three years old: "I want an ice-cream." -- "What's the magic word?" -- "I want an ice-cream NOW!"

[Sheryl]

I've had identical conversations with my 2.5 year-old. Don't Sit! Don't Stand! Fine, no problem, I'll just unobtrusively hover in mid-air mmmkay?

[honestyrain]

so did you jump out the window or go give him a hug? i'm betting window because if you'd hugged him the story would have gone to tell of your black eye AND THEN jump out the window.

[Griffinsdad]

My kid is really bossy too! I think it's just a type, and the best thing to do is have a sense of humor about it, and let him THINK he is running the show. It's the only way to keep the peace. These bossy kids will all grow up to be world leaders!

[Griffinsdad]

My kid is really bossy too! I think it's just a type, and the best thing to do is have a sense of humor about it, and let him THINK he is running the show. It's the only way to keep the peace. These bossy kids will all grow up to be world leaders!

[Jaimee]

We have a mud room that separates our den from the outside door. Friday as I walked into the den after work, my 2 year old fell on the floor crying and screaming as soon as he saw me. When I asked him what was wrong he said, "But I wanted to open the door". What am I? A mind reader?