The shaking will burn off all the brownie calories, right?

Can someone please, please tell me: why did I eat two brownies and drink an iced coffee, just now? Why did I do it? Do I enjoy the feeling of bugs crawling under my skin? Historically, I have not found it to be a fun-time sensation. So, knowing that this is how I will feel after I have made this kind of dietary choice, why did I soldier forth with the two-brownies-and-iced-coffee initiative?

I’m an idiot, I truly am. Why are you bothering with me?

But here’s a not-bad picture of me! And my husband! (He would want me tell you that he doesn’t always look that surprised.) And my son—wait, that’s not my son. It’s my friend’s baby. And look how cute she is! Her name is Tallulah. Could there be a better name? I don’t think so! Sweet Christ, I’m trembling from the caffeine and the sugar! Exclamation!

I thought Henry was napping, but now I hear him singing to himself. The singing is new. Once, when he was a few months old, he hummed "Ode to Joy" (I am NOT KIDDING) and we all gazed in wonderment at Henry, Child Prodigy, but then he clammed up, singing-wise. Right now he’s singing the ABC song, but he gets stuck after "d," so he just sings, "A, b, c, d, ...d, d, d....d, d, d, d, dddd...d..." I can’t figure out why he sounds so cheerful, as he’s had diarrhea and a fever all day. I would be less inclined to lie in bed crooning my favorite ditties, if I were simultaneously soiling myself with watery, burning poo.

You know what I could really go for right now? A brownie.

Comments

[bluepoppy]

Great pic-- um, will there be some sex party pics sometimes soon?

[Charla]

My son must have learned the ABC song from yours. He, too, can't get past a certain point. I like to think he's just being creative.

Ummm...got any more brownies?

[wookie]

Your husband looks like the baby just peed on his chest. No offense. Very cute baby thought :-)

[Melissa S]

Your husband looks like he just saw a GIGANTIC LADYBUG IN HIS GLASSES ABOUT TO EAT HIS EYEBALL!!!!!

Now Alice, come clean....it was your sex party all along and you were the 'Attractive Mother' in that conversation. I knew it.

[sac]

One word: MILF. Well, one acronym.

[jilbur]

Shit. How dare you be so cute. *paces around angrily for a bit, returns to keyboard fuming*I mean, a baby has an excuse to be so cute.

Near where I [cue choir of seraphim] no longer work, there's a café so inexorably wonderful that I regularly went into toxic caffeine shock; and their baked goods were diabolically good, too, including brownies with ohgodohgod caramelized edges ...

[Julia S]

Yay! Yay! Pretty Alice! Clap clap clap!

Now I want to methadone you off the sugar (we start with Pixie Stixs but in time you'll be down to carob) and remove that scary ladybug from Scott's glasses and reassure Henry that he would have hated being called Tallulah, just hated it.

So, um, can I be your nanny?

Before you answer you should know that I do not know what MILF is. But I might be able to fake it.

[Julia S]

Oh! Oh dear. I just googled MILF.

Sac, you reprobate. Do you know how many porn sites I just pulled up? All of them. Do you know how hard it is going to be for me to get Alice to hire me as a nanny with this many porn cookies on my harddrive? I am now a bad motherf... well, I'll shut my mouth.

Not to be pedantic, but shouldn't that be MI'dLtF?

ha. porn cookies.

[lizardek]

porn cookies LOL! Alice, write more often, darn it! and share the brownies!

[mimi smartypants]

I once ate a bunch of dark-chocolate-covered espresso beans with an iced coffee to wash them down, and then spent the day with Nora. How alarming it must be for a toddler to listen to her mom sing Itsy-Bitsy spider REALLY FAST, change her diaper with trembling fingers, and drag her to the park for SUPER! HAPPY! FUN!

[mimi smartypants]

Also: you're hot.

[jilbur]

I so want me some of those porn cookies. What, I ask you, could conceivably taste better than a porn cookie? Two great tastes, that taste great together.

[sac]

I used to eat lunch at a deli that had cookies labeled "Adult Cookies." For real. They came in a brown paper bag. Best cookie I ever had.

[anne]

i'd like to share the knowledge that i somehow overlooked until embarrassingly late in my adulthood (when my son sang it as a medley, to be precise) which is that the abc song, baa-baa black sheep, and twinkle twinkle little star are all the same tune.

also: D is for Dittie. and for Diarrhea. maybe it's not his favorite song at all, maybe he just feels stuck on the letter D at the moment. the tenacious D.

[Judy]

You look like the 23 year old receptionist at my hubbys office. That's right 23!

[Jen P]

Are porn cookies served at the sex parties? Or was that the brownies at the sex parties? I mean, with all that attractive sex, those people have to eat, right?