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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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« I am SO FAMOUS NOW. | Main | At least it’s for me and not at me. »
Tuesday
Nov292005

The big time: basic cable.

There’s a chance I will be on television on Thursday night.

The show is called "“Great Things about the Holidays.” It’s one of those list shows—you know the kind. In which “celebrities” no one has heard of contribute ironic commentary on cultural events that hold no special significance for anyone. It’s the kind of show that we will all mock in a few years. I am proud to have been a part of it.

Anyway, I was interviewed a while ago; it was summer, and like the rest of the world, I didn’t believe that these “holidays” I was asked to speak of would ever return. But my friend was one of the producers, and she put me on the list to be interviewed, and then for some reason the Powers that Be said okay, and I said okay and I showed up and had makeup applied to my face with a trowel.

I had been given a sixty-page list of questions regarding everything holiday-related that anyone had ever thought of. Many of these things I found myself to be far too old to talk about. I mean, if they wanted to talk about Rankin and Bass, I had things to say. Or the Judy Garland Christmas special in which Judy was insolent to Mel Torme—yes! But what is this “O.C.”? And who is this Kwanzaa?

(For the record, I actually have never seen a Judy Garland Christmas special. I’m not that old.)

(Kids: Judy Garland was Liza Minelli’s mommy.)

(And Liza Minelli! Well, she's a nearly dead saucer-eyed songstress with a drug problem. Of course, I’m not one to point fingers right now. My fingers are too blurry.)

So! I read these many, many questions, and Scott and I spent a night coming up with witticisms regarding them. And then, in front of a camera, I relayed my jokes to the producer and the cameraman and my friend Jen and some other random person in what I hoped was a breezy and off-the-cuff manner. While I was attempting to be funny, my underarms destroyed my festive burgundy satin shirt by pumping out cupfuls of sweat. Eventually, when I realized everyone was actually laughing at my jokes, I relaxed and made some truly off-the-cuff remarks, which is probably when I said the idiotic things that they will put on the air.

My “friend,” who claims to care about me, quit the show shortly after editing one segment in which, she says, I appear. She seems to think that therefore they’ll include me in the rest of the show, because it would look weird to have a person only show up for one segment. (This segment I know I’m in deals with the “Jingle Cats,” which I guess is a video in which cats sing Christmas songs. We should all own it, because it is a Great Thing about the Holidays.)

So it turns out that the show is actually a four-part monstrosity, airing for two straight hours on Thursday night (from nine to eleven) and then for two more hours on Friday night, also from nine to eleven. And I have no idea if I’m in it at all. Luckily, according to this schedule, Bravo will be airing the show repeatedly, or at least until its audience begs them to stop airing it. So if you’re not thrilled about wasting four hours of your life on the off-chance that my glorious visage might appear, you could wait to see what I tell you about it and then waste four hours of your life. Or you could use one of those newfangled inventions, like your videotape recording machine gadget or your TiVo, and then fast-forward through it until you see me. I’ll be the one with the short hair and the damp shirt.

Reader Comments (53)

A fun, festive and frolicking romp, including Alice? Sign me up!
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTB
LOL! I'm tivoing it right now!!
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterkimmieindallas
Ah, you will be competing with ER. AND YET YOU WILL STILL WIN. Dr. Kovach never makes hilarious, breezy, off-the-cuff remarks. Or, as far as I know, wears burgundy satin.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires
Well look at it this way: Does anyone really watch television between 9:00 and 11:00 pm on Thursday and Friday night?

But on the other hand, I, who never watch TV, an have never even seen BRAVO will have to catch this! If for no other reason than I can say, "wow, I'm glad no one talked me into THAT!"
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterM&Co.
And a star is born! (Sorry, I couldn't resist. Because I know who Judy Garland is.)
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEulallia
Oh my God. How dorky is it that I thought: "I love those shows! I can't believe someone I know is going to be on one!" Errrm, I don't actually know you. And yet I will watch. And I will laugh, oh yes.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLaziza
Your blog is one of the Great Things about the Holidays. Congrats on the show.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterroo
I do not have this newfangled TiVo you speak of, but I DO have a VCR and an underemployed boyfriend to figure out how to program it...I'm so there.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAlexa
On behalf of makeup artists everywhere I would like to apologize for the trowel BUT if they didn't put that much makeup on you, you would have looked like you were on Public Access Television. Hot lights and all. Can't wait to see your segment!
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterkim
Don't get me wrong, I knew just how much makeup was necessary. And I liked it. I looked like a Rockette, but I didn't want to take it off.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Congrats! You're a rock star!

Any idea what they'll put under your name when they show you? You know, the stuff so that people don't know who you are will at least know what you are?
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterChag
My own husband is a producer, and the only show I would be able to get on would be as an extra in a disaster involving a seal hunt. Some people have all the luck.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie
Can we say we knew you when?
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
Oh my god, I will get to see your hair in person! Well, you know, on TV in person. Because you know how much I love your hair.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSusan
I've GOT to get my dish hooked up this week...
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
Man, I'll totally be there- both nights waiting for a little bit of Alice. Hope the other interviewees are as scintillating as I am sure you were.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterclickmom
Ooh! Ooh! I will watch it ready and waiting for your sweaty visage!
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVictoria Winters
i refuse to watch this unless kathy griffin and/or mo rocca make appearances as well.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMathew
Yes! It is scheduled on TiVo now. And lucky me, I miss nothing because out west on Direct TV it runs 6pm-8pm.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKari
Congrats on your rise to fame and fortune! My husband will be so very thrilled to watch a clip show for four hours...HA HA! I hope Michael Ian Black is on it. He's the one with the Botox forehead in all the "I Love the 80s" ones on VH1, clever sardonic wit...oh wait, that's everyone on that show. p.s. I wish I had tivo.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersveedish
I do not have tivo or basic cable so I am despondent I will miss this. I will just wait for it to come out on DVD because everything comes out on DVD eventually.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
I will TiVo. And I will dutifully report at precisely what minutes into the program you appear, if you like. What fun!
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda
As I read your last line, my dyslexic mind registered "damp hair and a short skirt." And I thought, That really would be a great thing for the holidays.
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLOD
damn you all. we don't get american BRAVO up here in the tundra. *curses*

but, i did touch Alice in person. at least once. so there. she was not damp (for the record).
November 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
See, now, if you'd have them apply antiperspirant with a trowel, your shirt might have been saved. (I just typed "your shit might have been saved" before I noticed what would've been a much more ghetto comment than I intended.)
November 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMir

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