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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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I have them! Tears! The tears are right behind my eyes, and they're ready to come out! I have no idea why. I'm just filled with emotion. Oh, LIFE!

Whenever  I get like this, I go to Scott for comfort/advice and he raises an eyebrow and cocks his head at the calendar, and then I kick him again and again until he apologizes and swears he'll never again blame my deep emotional turmoil on hormonal shifts.

Actually I storm away and then two hours later I get my period and DAMN IT.

But that's not true this time! And I'm not sad or cranky, just overflowing with...with something. I don't know what! Life! So beautiful! SOB!

Okay, maybe it's because I forgot to get my Prozac refilled and I missed it for two straight days.

But oh, Lord, last night Henry asked us what we imagined heaven was like, and then I asked him, and he said it would be like the Bahamas and there would be all the Legos he could ask for and now I can't write more because I'm already tearing up. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY BOY'S HEAVEN. No. Won't do it. I had to run and hide in the bathroom while Scott and Henry ate dinner and discussed the afterlife like that was okay.

He is so sweet right now. When he's not driving us crazy, that is. Of course. My boy! Why didn't I have twelve just like him! He's getting too big to cuddle! He lost another tooth last night! A baby tooth, not an adult tooth! His adult teeth are not rotting out of his mouth! I really can't stop using exclamation points! I think I have a disease!

Please tell me something that will make me laugh. Hurry!

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  • Response
    Cramming at the last minute, I hope I can find what I need here.

Reader Comments (47)

If you rearrange the letters in "Spiro Agnew," you get "grow a penis." (Thank you, Dave Barry.)

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEM

I smell-followed you on Twitter. Your tears smell like Pantene. How did you do that?

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRita Arens

Quick! Go see this post:
It will make you laugh, I guarantee. But it does contain a penis joke.
Wow -- 2 out of 3 comments already contain penis jokes. What does this mean? Let's not over think it.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Okay, Alice. This is one of my favoritest stories. I hope it's not a "you had to be there" type thing.

A friend of mine had an internet boyfriend and was IM'ing him and his mother at the same time (different windows).

Apparently, they were having some sexy IM time and she typed:


Except, to his mom.


She then proceeded to type:



Okay, so there you go. Though I'm still trying to figure out the whole tits on thighs thing.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

At work the other day, I helped a person with very large feet buy some shoes. She was tall and mannish, so when I asked for her name and number for our warranty and she spelled out Billy, I didn't bat an eye. She was such a lovely transvestite!

Except when her credit card receipt started printing, I noticed that her name was Tilly. TILLY, not Billy, because she probably wasn't a transvestite, see, and I sent her away with BILLY printed on her receipt, and now I live in fear that she read her receipt and knows that I thought she was a transvestite because she had such large feet.

Sorry, Tilly!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterschmutzie

I've only got one joke that I won't burden you with (two cannibals, a clown, etc), but this site never fails to make me laugh until I cry. From laughing!!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLuisa

When my dad died, Emilia drew a picture of what she called his 'death house' - the place, she said, where he had gone to live. It featured a bright pink house, rainbows, a motorcycle, cats, a shark, heart-flowers, candy, and a dinosaur. (She informed me that the dinosaurs had to be there - 'because they all died, Mommy' - and is insistent that her grandfather is learning to ride them.)

I'm doing this wrong, aren't I? Maybe just skip everything that I just wrote except for the last parenthetical statement. Dinosaurs with saddles! THAT'S FUNNY, RIGHT?

Also! Unicorns fart rainbows! Jesus didn't wear underpants! Squirrels like burritos!

(I'm just making it worse, aren't I?)

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterher bad mother

You need appropriate crying pants. They're perfect for any occasion, but especially right for the times you feel like pouting dramatically, topless, in fields:

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCasLikeThat

My husband does the same thing with the calendar. And then I went for my annual ladies' stirrup appointment and the doctor said "so, menopause is around the corner and it will be like very intense PMS!" And my husband blanched (when I told him, we're not one of those couples that goes to all the appointments together) and said that we must get a second opinion and soon and then covered me in estrogen patches.

So, great news! Maybe you're going through menopause? No calendar will help.

Also, do you have any extra Prozac?

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarinka

Perhaps a touching Christmas tale?

When I was a kid my parents had a huge open house tree-trimming party every December. The guests brought ornaments and we supplied food and drink and, generally, good cheer. One year we received an ornament which I believe was a McDonald's Happy Meal tie-in thing, a small stuffed cat from Oliver & Company. When you pressed the cat's tummy, the little chip inside would play "Jingle Bells" to the delight of all except everyone who'd already heard "Jingle Bells" from a tinny computer chip too many times.

Eventually my parents decided the huge party was too much trouble, and my brother and I - now adults - chose favorite ornaments to take with us to our own homes. I found the little cat and pressed his tummy, anticipating joy!

What I got was a brain-boring mechanical buzz. The chip was on the fritz. Almost 20 years that thing played "Jingle Bells," but now the chip was warbling its death beep. I still took it home. I buried it under a pile of laundry. It emitted a continual death beep for ONE SOLID WEEK.

Silent at last, I unearthed the kitty and hung him on my tree. Hey, he was still cute! As friends began to arrive for my own holiday party, they admired my little tree. The kitty was hung on a prominent branch and someone asked about him. I told this person the story and this person...reached...out...and pressed the kitty's tummy again.

"NO!" I shouted, too late.

The chip inside the kitty merrily beeped out "Jingle Bells" one time, then stopped. A Christmas miracle!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

If you find any consolation in commiseration, I'm pregnant and am swimming in a sea of emotion today. Said sea was borne of my tears, shed for no reason other than hormones and angst and ennui and a bunch of SAT words that indicate a blehness courtesy of my endocrine system or whoever's in charge of the hormones.

Also, the feeling of INTENSITY? Once I suddenly FELT SO MUCH. Except there was no emotion attached to it. Like, had I been angry, I would have been ENRAGED. Had I been happy, I would have been in PEALS OF ECSTASY. But weirdly, I was stuck JUST FEELING SO MUCH! THE FEELINGNESS! Like I was carbonated water without any soda flavoring. Lots of bubbles, not so much flavor.

I feel that way about food a lot now, too. On that note, I think it's time to feed my sadness a sandwich.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Alice, I have a solution that will make you laugh until you cry. Oh wait, that's not what you want! You want to STOP crying! Crap. So maybe you can dilute this solution a little so you only laugh until you.....wheeze maybe, and then you can close the browser window and come back again in a few minutes and laugh until you wheeze again, then repeat. That way, you never get to the crying part. But you still keep laughing!

Anyway, the solution is this: I have never laughed so much in my life. You would THINK it would get old to read other people's text messages that say things like "Do you want me to come over and give you anal? OMG, I MEANT A HAND. NOT ANAL. NOT ANAL. STUPID IPHONE." And yet it does not. It never does.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires

I am having the same week but mine is totally due to the impending doom that is my monthly cycle..fucking bitch, Eve! I always abuse my exclamations because sometimes shit really is that serious. I just wrote a post that will make you feel better ( i f u are so inclined) if not sometimes its just better to watch a damn sad movie like The Last Song and cry it all out to eliminate the uncontrolled outbursts. If not, there's this Feel better!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTruthful Mommy

I was all set to write something funny but then you wrote about picturing your boy's heaven and now all I can think about is what it must be like for my son and cripes, there damn well better be a heaven for my five year old son because otherwise, I will lose my damn mind even more than I did when he died.

Which, you know, is not funny at all. And now I'm all teary eyed. Dammit.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedneck Mommy

Yes!! Go! Go now!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

This is funny. I went to my granddaughter's "P eace Assembly," at which some good citizens received "peacekeeper" awards. As part of the ceremony, a group of fifth graders were asked to complete the sentence "A peaceful classroom has..." Predictible first couple of entries along the lines of "A peaceful classroom has active learners who are respectful of others," but best of all was the boy who said "A peaceful classroom has no thrown sharp objects." Can't argue with that.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Well, never fails to get me laughing so hard that people walk by my office wondering whether I might be experiencing some kind of psychotic break.

I also recently went back through that post you did a few years ago when people commented with their bad parenting stories, and that is some quality funny right there. My favorite is the mom who got frustrated with her daughter because she couldn't ride her bike straight, so she threw the bike IN THE TRASH while her daughter cried piteously, and then they later found out the daughter was practically blind.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLawyerish

It may have been Alice who turned me on to it in the first place, but this website always makes me laugh really hard:

And my four-year-old's vision of the afterlife is both touching and funny: she wants the two of us to be mummies together. A pair of mother-and-daughter mummies, hanging out in a pyramid. We've already shaken hands and sealed the deal. Yay! Sob.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDana

I have the same issue every month. Now I don't cry for a reason I just cry. My dr said, oh it perimenopause and it could last for a decade or so. At least I had a reason to cry. Now my husband just hands me a kleenex and offers a cookie.

For amusement - We actually had an e-mail from a vendor that said, "I'll need to review some stuff this afternoon so I can be pre-paid for our meeting tomorrow morning."

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlatenac

Just reading that made me tear up! Okay, something funny - a grammar joke:

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate Clauses!

Hee hee!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngstyJen

I like to make fun of my 4-year-old by doing a joke he doesn't (yet) understand.

Do you know this one? You stand next to your child and put your palm on his head and massage his scalp. Your child says: "What's that?" And you say: "It's a Brain Eater." He says: "What's it doing?" You answer: "Starving."

I think it's a good joke to teach an 8-year-old, don't you? And you're bonding over juvenile humor. My younger brother taught that one to me when we were in grade school. I enjoyed the scalp massage so much I would then beg him, all the time, to "Do Brain Eater! Do Brain Eater!"

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterReid

Have you seen/heard Baby Monkey yet? Because it is AWESOME. And adorable. And hilarious.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjennifer in sf

Okay, so it requires some knowledge of Canadian children's television to be truly hilarious, but Mr. Dressup was standard viewing for most Canadians of a certain child-bearing age.
The main puppets were a pink-cheeked bowl-cut bedecked boy named Casey and a dog named Finnegan.
My niece and nephew are named Kaesye (oh yes, really - try .net) and Finnegan.

I wish it weren't true.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

Well, reading your blog usually cheers me up. But here goes: check out...
And my favorite, James Lileks's Institute of Official Cheer, specifically the Gallery of Regrettable Foods or Interior Desecrators

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterisabelle from mtl

have you talked to Henry about Star Wars yet? go watch this PSA about having "the talk" about Star Wars with your kids. if this doesn't make you laugh, you can shoot me.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterandygirl

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