It's here!

Our book is out in the world, as of yesterday. Our baby! Be gentle with it, friends and strangers!

I'm overwhelmed by all the positive feedback we've received so far. First of all, check out the glowing review in Kirkus Reviews. If there was one review I was anticipating with teensy morsel of dread, it was Kirkus. They don't pull any punches over there. And with humor, who knows? We could have caught a reviewer on a bad day. I've already written every scathing review in my mind. I could have handed one over for them to publish. But they liked it! They really liked it!

As nice as that was, it's the congratulations and kind words from fellow bloggers and Twitter friends that really mean a lot to both of us. Here's a rundown of some of the nice mentions we've received so far, and I'm sure I'm leaving someone out, so please forgive me, whoever you are, and know that this is just because I've had three cups of coffee and if you were to peer inside my brain you'd see a chipmunk riding a little stationery bike that's hooked up to a motor that's powering an electronic monkey playing a harpsichord. It's amazing I managed to dress myself this morning, much less string words together all sensible-like.

Maggie at Mighty Girl
Melissa at Suburban Bliss
Zan at A Cup of Tea and a Wheat Penny
Angela at Fluid Pudding
Angella at Dutch Blitz
Mir at Want Not
Megan at Not Martha
Amber at The Amber Show
Danielle at Knotty Yarn
Aimee at Greeblemonkey
Roxana at Everyday Treats
Liz and Kristen at Cool Mom Picks

And I didn't even list all of our tireless cheerleaders on Twitter and Facebook. I can't thank you all enough.

A bunch of the above bloggers are hosting giveaways (I believe Megan even has a gift basket to give away!), and I encourage you to visit their sites, but between you (my beloved reader) and me, if I had my heart's desire, all of you would buy a copy. Today, if possible. We want to generate as much excitement and buzz for the book as we can, and nothing raises the heart rates of our publisher like healthy initial sales.

I won't try to give you the hard sell, here, but I do want to say that this is a humor book, not a pregnancy or parenting guide, and therefore is appropriate for any adult with an appreciation of our kind of humor. It's great for a shower gift, but it's not only for pregnant women. No more so than the Daily Show would only be appropriate for pundits to watch.

The list price is $14.99, and it's available for much less at several sites. Where can you buy it, you may ask? Why, here! And here! And also here! And don't forget here! (The destination for that first link, incidentally, is selling our book at half the list price. I am just saying. For informational purposes.)

I'll be updating this site with more information, including our upcoming tour dates, very soon. (And I will also be updating it with non-book things, when my life resumes something approaching normalcy. Or, at least, you know, what it was.)

Writing more in less time

Thanks to Windows Phone 7 for sponsoring this post. See the end of the post for details on a Windows Phone 7 giveaway.

Windows asked me to write about doing more with less, so last night I decided that instead of making chocolate chip cookies, I'd simply shovel chocolate chips in my mouth. That's less, after all. That didn't quite satisfy, however, even after I let the chips sit in there for a while and melt. I considered adding some butter, but that seemed like too much work, frankly.

Then I realized I really like peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies so I shoveled some peanut butter in my maw as well. And what do you know? That was better than some stupid cookies. Better = MORE!

A quiet voice in the back of my sugar-addled mind told me that I was possibly not quite getting the concept of doing more with less, so I stopped to consider how the concept applied to my life. Then I fell asleep. But this morning I woke up, as one does, and my first thought was, "I have a half-hour to write this post." My second thought was, "Thank GOD." Because a small window of time is the only way I can get any writing done. And I do believe that's doing more with less, Windows! BLAMMO!

There is nothing that will murder any chance of productivity for me like waking up to an obligation-free, unscheduled day. Henry's going straight to a playdate after school and won't be home until 6, I have a slow work week, and I'm out of errands to run? Well, I tell myself, that means I have hours in which to consort with the muse, obviously! I'll sit down at my computer and oh, the places my mind will go! I have all the time in the world to write the best blog post ever written. No--five of the best blog posts ever written. Or I'll finally finish that novel I began in 1996. Hell, I can do all of these things. I have all the time in the world!

But when I sit down at my computer with all that emptiness stretching ahead of me, panic sets in. That's a lot of time. I need to get a lot done, in that much time. And it better be good, too, because I have no reason to phone it in. I have time. Time means quality. If I write something terrible, that means I'm a terrible writer. Crap. I'm hungry.

So I decide to make breakfast. And since I have all these hours ahead of me, I have time to make myself a real breakfast. No need for a bowl of cereal, like some rushed breakfast-eating chump. But before I do that, I should check Twitter and see what's going on. Oh, look, someone linked to a funny video! Thank goodness I have time to watch it, as I have so very much time. And look, there are all these related, also funny videos! I never noticed how many videos there are of kitty cats flushing toilets. Those are always fun. I normally don't have time to watch those, as I'm rushing about.

Then I look up and it's eight hours later and Henry is home from his playdate and I'm still in my bathrobe.

I am convinced, after all these years, that the two most useful tools in my writing arsenal are: 1) limited time and 2) low expectations. If I have four hours to write, I will expect greatness, or at least quality, and my chattering brain will be consumed with what "quality" means and whether or not I'm approaching it, and as a result I'll avoid work. I'll dawdle and daydream and check my email like it's the only thing keeping me alive. If I have an hour, however, I don't have time for these shenanigans. I have to focus. If I have a half-hour, my fingers better keep moving around that keyboard and words had better be appearing on screen, or I'm screwed.

Even when I have only fifteen minutes, I can get some quality work done. If I can sit down and still the endless chatter in my brain, when those fifteen minutes are up, I find that I've made more progress on a project than I had all week. Because I don't expect much from fifteen minutes. All I expect is a few paragraphs, and maybe to have gained some momentum. And sometimes that's all I need.

So hey, if you want a Windows Phone 7 of your very own, you can win one right here! To enter, leave a comment of 25 words or more about how you do more when you have less time. You've got until November 29 (midnight PT) and you can enter once a day. On the 29th, I'll pick a winner using random.org and post it here. Here are the official, long-winded rules about this contest.

Post partum

I’ve been in a funk the past couple of weeks. I couldn’t figure out why for the longest time. Was it my birthday, which by the way was last Friday? Nah. Nothing is more anticlimactic than turning 41. There is no more boring age on Earth. 41? Who thought of such a ridiculous number? Can’t we pretend it never happened? Ignore the prime-numbered years? 41. Bah.

It wasn’t the birthday, but the birthday didn’t help. I was not in the mood to celebrate. This is unlike me. My family was alarmed. Scott insisted that surely I wanted to do something, and in response I shouted “STOP ASKING ME” and ran to my room, weeping. Then my mom called to demand to know what I wanted to do and I said “Nothing” and she said, “Well, but SOMETHING” and I wailed “NOTHING” and “NO ONE GETS ME” and braces sprouted back onto my teeth and no one asked me to the prom, again. This birthday was complicated!

My actual birthday day was actually nice. (That is the best sentence I have ever written. History, take note.) Henry wrote me an amazing poem, and I just asked him if I could share it with you all and he said no, so you’ll have to take my word for it. It was stellar, and worth turning 41 for. Scott got me a beautiful piece of art. We had a nice dinner. I sure am writing the word “nice” a lot.

Anyway, then my birthday was over, which happens, as we know, and my funk returned, and I figured out the cause of it: post-book-turning-in blues. Eden and I have been hunkered down for so long, focused on getting pages churned out, and then getting those churned-out pages to not suck, and then to suck even less, and then adding images to said pages, and now it’s…done. And you know what? It’s kind of a bummer. I felt relief and accomplishment for, uh, a few minutes, and then I missed that bastard manuscript that’s kept me so involved for so long.

The thing is, when you write a book, nothing feels as good as writing it. Not finishing it; not getting it published; not (I think) getting good reviews (which we would like, please, thank you). Even when it feels awful, writing is the best part of the process— because even when it’s difficult and every word you come up with is laughably bad, you know you did it anyway. You did it. And that can’t be taken away. (It can be laughed at, sure, but you’re not going to show anyone that draft, are you.)

The publications that, if you’re lucky, occur along the way—and believe me, I realize how lucky I am—don’t mean all that much. They don’t do a thing for your soul. That pesky soul. It is not at all assuaged with advances or praise or any of that nonsense. It wants you to work. The work is the whole point.

A novelist friend of mine once told me this. He outlined for me exactly what happens. He said that when you get your first article published, you worry about when you’re going to get another one published. And once you’ve had a few pieces published, you worry about when you’re going to get a book. And once you get a book, you stress out about the publication of the book, and will it sell enough. And then you worry about the reviews. And then you worry about the chances of getting your next book published. And on and on.

I ignored him. I knew that when I had my first accepted anything I would bask in my newfound glory and everyone would love me and also my complexion would clear up and I would never be sad again.

Well. You were right, Gary, you jerk. Here I am, sure that nothing is going to make me feel better except starting the next book. Which, I guess, is good news. And cause for celebration or whatever. Damn it.

Processing

So it turns out that I can write a book and also do other things, but writing a book plus anything else equals total disaster for the rest of my life. The last couple of weeks, I’ve been working on the new column for Redbook (the first one will appear in the January 2010 issue), so I neglected some other matters. Like remembering to eat, or talking to people. Also writing in this here blog.

And. And I just stared into space for about fifteen minutes while I tried to think of something else to write. Listen. I know you didn’t need to know that. I realize you are not reading this as I write. I thought I’d take you along for a minute on my mind journey. If it’s going to go blank for a bit, why shouldn’t you know? Don't you want to join me in my fugue state?

When I say I spent the last couple of weeks writing my Redbook column, what I mean is that I spent one week hiding under the duvet insisting that I have nothing worthwhile to say to anyone, and another week hiding under the duvet, emerging to tap out a few words, running around screaming that I’m a worthless hack, and then diving headfirst back under the duvet. You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? I can see it on your face. All right, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, shut up.

I don’t know if writing is this way for anyone else, but when I’m faced with a deadline, the few days beforehand are torture. (And yet I could never get anything done without a deadline. And meeting a deadline is an unparalleled relief.) The only way I can get anything done is the following: I must 1) wear a hooded robe or sweater, hood up, and 2) put a blanket over my head, so as to create another hood over the hood, and if that’s not enough I 3) close my eyes while writing. Is that not utterly pathetic? I have to squirrel myself away in a cocoon of emotional comfort so that I can (sometimes tearfully) bang out the last few words I require to get the job done. But for whatever reason, this works for me.

I mentioned some of my bizarre habits to my Redbook editor (on whom I may have a burgeoning girl-crush—but I won’t admit to anything, except secretly when I whisper it in my pillow), and she seemed unfazed. She said brightly, “Well, that’s your process!”

So I am not insane. I have figured out my process. And you? Do you have one? Come on, admit it.