Another in a long string of conversations I never thought I'd have.

"I can't stop pulling weeds."

"I think you should. It's late. You look…you know, tired. And dirty."

"I'm actually disappointed that I can't find any more weeds. I might have a problem."

"Wow. I've never seen anyone so--um, what are you doing?"

"What? I was , you know, picking up some stuff."

"You were pulling a weed, weren't you."

"I… I know. (Sneeze.) I'll stop now. (Sneeze.) "Wait. Okay, now. (Sneeze.)"

"Wow, allergies?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to whatever it is I'm pulling." (Sneeze.)

"You do have a problem."

"It's just—the weeds! They grow so fast!"

"I don't know, if it's green, I just figure it looks like grass, so—"

(uncomfortable silence)

"That was one I noticed before. I had to pull it."

"Alice. I think it's time to go inside."

---

P.S.: New Wonderland up today, about religion. Because I like to tackle the big topics.

Trying to piece it together; not sure if I want to.

Driving Home From School

"So what letter are you learning about this week?"

"The letter S."

"S! S like Superman! Like Spring! What other S words did you learn?"

"Sewers."

The Next Day, Because I Can't Leave "Sewers" Alone

"So! What S words did you learn today?"

"Hmm. I can't remember."

"Summer? Shower? Soda? Simple?"

"Wait, I remember! Sacrifice."

Transcript of phone conversation from two minutes ago.

"I just wanted you to know! I called the exterminator! There's a thing! In our garage!"

"Why are you out of breath?"

"I'm running in circles! So anyway! This thing must go! The exterminator is coming!"

"Like an insect thing?"

"OH NO NO NO! Like a big fuzzy gray thing! Big! Very big!'

"Can you stop talking in exclamations?"

"No! It's very big! Way up high, in the rafters, where it can drop on me! So I'm never going in there again!"

"Is it like a—"

"Probably a raccoon! Or a possum! Or a mutant raccoon/possum hybrid! I asked him if it was rabid and he laughed at me! I think that means no!"

"Okay, honey? I'm sure it's fine."

"He said it was $185!"

"What's a 185?"

"No, $185!"

"Oh, I thought that was like a code. Like, we got a 185 up here! We got a 324 situation in the garage. Like that! Ha ha!"

(silence.)

"Honey?"

"I never wanted to live here. I hate nature."

"I think it was your decision, actually."

"He's going to set a trap. That means we have to call back when the trap is filled. It's going to be in the trap. I'm never going near the trap. Never never never ever."

"No one said you had to."

"I'm going back outside to get my stuff. If the raccoon eats me, you have to marry again. Henry needs a mom."

"I think I'll marry the raccoon. Then there will always be a little bit of you around."

Diagnosis: allergy!

"I'm looking at these eye drops--one of the side effects listed is 'taste perversion.'"

"So you'll be eating butternut squash soup, and you'll think, why does this taste like a stripper's boot?"

" That's exactly what will happen."

"Why does this sandwich taste like a ball gag?"

"You're not going to believe how offensive dinner will be tonight."

"'Honey, why does dinner taste like sex with a goat?'"