What every single conversation is like around here.

Me: Okay, it's time to go, so let's—

Henry [throwing himself to the ground]: WHAAAAAaaagh oof!

Me: Henry.

Henry: I really fell! That wasn't a trick!

Me: Yeah. Anyway, as I was saying—

Henry [careening toward the wall]: Oh nooooooo the house is sliding to one side!

Me: Henry, we're late for—

Henry: Oof! Oh, man, I hit that wall hard.

Me: I recommend you stop throwing yourself against hard surfaces. So as I was say—

Henry [his body sliding across the parquet]: HEHHHHHHHHFFFFfff.

Me: Oh, sweet baby Jesus, enough with the wacky pratfalls.

Henry: Now I'm going to hit the couch really hard with my face.

Me: No you're not. No, you're not NO YOU'RE NOT aaand you just did.

Henry: WHAT? That was an accident.

Me: You kind of gave yourself away when you announced it beforehand. Can you just put your socks on OH MY GOD GET UP.

Henry [face down in front of me]: I'M DOING IT. Why are you so grumpy all the time?

Me: Here. Your socks. HERE.

Henry [putting on one sock and then falling over]: WAAAIIIIOOOOOOooough.

Me: You're trying to kill me, aren't you.

With friends like these, etc.

Henry's constructing a Bionicle in the backseat. "I built you a guy," he announces.

I look behind me. It appears to be some sort of three-pronged weapon. "Where's his head?" I ask.

"He doesn't have one," he explains. "He's an Electro-Stabber."

"Why don't you build something friendly?" Scott asks.

"Yes," I agree, "Can't you build something…non-stabby?"

Usually this response drives Henry insane, and he rails against our lack of understanding in such matters. Bionicles and the like were created as weapons of destruction, not diplomacy; when will we pacifist fools understand that?

But this time he pauses and says, "Okay."

A few minutes later he's done. "I built you an Electro-buddy," he says.

I look behind me again. "It looks exactly the same."

"It's a buddy!" he insists.

"Doesn't seem very huggable," I observe.

"Oh, you can hug him," Henry says. "Only if you do you'll get stabbed."

Wii just want you to be happy

The Wii Fit is my passive-aggressive friend who has cool games but won't let me at them until it cheerfully bullies me into submission. A friend who only allows you one response: pressing the A button. This is a terrible friend. And yet I can't stop coming back to it.

Wii Fit: Hello, Alice! Haven't seen you here in a while! [A]

Alice: I've been busy. Give a girl a break.

Wii Fit: ….

Alice: [A]

Wii Fit: Scott was here just yesterday! He sure is getting in shape, wouldn't you say? [A]

Alice: Can we just get on with this?

Wii Fit: …

Alice: Sigh. [A]

Wii Fit: I see the deadline for your goal has past! Did you reach your goal? [A]

Alice: You know the answer to that, you bastard.

Wii Fit: …

Alice: [A][A][A]

Wii Fit: Oooh, I see you didn't reach your goal. You wanted to lose 5 pounds and you only lost 0 pounds. You've failed at this just like you've failed at so much else, haven't you, Alice?

Alice: [pressing A while staring at shoes]

Wii Fit: Maybe you need to set smaller, more manageable goals. Small goals can be encouraging for people like you!

Alice: Sniff. [A]

Wii Fit: I noticed that the last time I asked you why you weren't losing weight, you chose the option, "I don't know." Maybe you need to think a little harder about your choices, Alice!

Alice: ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.

Wii Fit: …

Alice: [A], DAMN IT, [A]!

Wii Fit: Maybe you should come here every day and think about what you're not doing right, and how you can start doing those things right. That's all I ask. Is that too much? Alice? Can you do that?

Alice: A...[lying across the Wii Fit balance board.]

Wii Fit: I noticed that your tears are wetting my balance board! Crying out all that water weight might help some, but another way to lose excess pounds is to stop cramming your maw with processed garbage! Which I saw you doing the other day when I secretly turned myself back on long after you thought it was safe! Those were too many chips for one mouth! That's a Wii Fit Tip!

Alice: [A][A][A][A][A][A]

Wii Fit: Okay, now it's time to have fun! You can stand up now! I'll let you do some Super Hula! And if you come tomorrow maybe I'll be a little nicer! You wait another day, though, and I don't know how I'll be. You tell Scott that, too.

Cellulitis! A short play.

I. Walking to school.

Henry: I have to be careful of my purple thumb.

Me: You have to be what of your what now?

Henry: My purple thumb. See?

Me: What, did you get magic marker on your thWHAAAAT IS THAT. Scott. Scott!

Scott: Oh, wow. Did you cut your thumb at some point, buddy?

Henry: Hmm. Yesterday at school there were these white cracks on my thumb so I put my finger in my mouth, and then the cracks went away.

Me: Oh, god, you put it in your mouth?

Henry (sighing): Yes, and then the white cracks went away.

Scott: Does it hurt?

Henry: Only when I touch it.

We head back home. Phone calls to the doctor ensue. An appointment is made.

II. At the doctor's office.

Nurse: So what happened?

Henry: Well, my thumb is all purple and swollen, see?

Nurse: Wow. Did you get a cut?

Henry: Yesterday there were these white cracks all over, but then I licked it and the white cracks went away.

Nurse: White cracks? And you … licked it?

Me: I know. I… I know.

Henry: It's okay! When I licked it, it got better! Well, it still hurt.

Doctor: What did you do to your thumb, Henry?

Henry (sighing deeply): White cracks, licked it, school, purple.

Doctor: White…what?

Finally, after much explanation, there is a diagnosis, and a prescription. We leave. I try to convince Henry not to ever lick his wounds or really any part of himself, especially at school, blah blah. He ignores me, preferring to list his favorite aliens from Ben-10. The End.

That play's going straight to Broadway, my friends. Mark my words.

New post on Wonderland today, about lying to your children. Like how when I told Henry that if he licked his thumb ever again, somewhere a puppy would die.