Sunrise, Sunset

"One minute kids are asking for a ball and the next for a mobile phone. Kids grow up too fast and so do their requests!"

--Email pitch I just received

Henry: Mom, where's my ball?

Me: I think it's in the--

Henry: Wait! Wait a goddamn minute!

Me: Excuse me?

Henry: I need a fucking phone, is what!

Me: I really don't think that kind of language is--

Henry: Not just any phone, either. I need one of those smartphones so I can start texting!

Me: Who are you going to be--

Henry: No, SEXTING!

Me: Do you even know what--

Henry: On second thought, that seems awfully immature.

Me: Well, I'm glad you--

Henry: What I really need is a car.

Me: Would you please stop interr--

Henry: Nothing flashy. Something sensible, with good mileage. Plus room for the kids.

Me: Wait, what kids are you--

Henry: Goddamn it, Mom, sorry, I'm getting a call. Hold on. Sorry.

Me: That's not a phone. You're just holding your hand to your--

Henry [into his hand]: CHRIST, I forgot about that conference call. I'll be right in. I said I forgot! Don't put so much on my plate, if you don't want me to--okay. No, it's okay. I'll be right in.

Me: Where do you think you're--

Henry: Mom, I'm sorry, I have to run. Before I go, do you have a retirement plan anywhere around here?

Me: Again, if you'd just stop interrupt--

Henry: It's all right, never mind, I'll get one myself. If you have some extra Lipitor lying around, though, I'd take that.

Me: I don't think--

Henry: Kisses, Mom. Best to Dad. See you at the next whatever.

[He leaves.]

Me: Wait! I found your ball!

Comments

[Marinka]

That so did not just happen. Try blogging with integrity, "lady"!

[mike]

uh,yeah.

Our granddaughter turns 13 today!

I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Andygirl]

You are pure brilliance!

[Alex@LateEnough]

I'm pretty sure you are in a retirement home now. I hope you got your son a nice cell phone so you don't have to share a bathroom with the creepy man in the next room.

PS. That's probably not a ball. It's an IV bag.

PPS. Seriously awesome post.

[Amigurumigirl]

haha so true!

[Melissa Chapman]

Gosh my daughter is nine and it's scary that I can see this progression taking shape- YIKES! Still LUV this!

[Kaley]

OMG, this was so hilarious that it just killed me dead.

[Kate]

Cat's in the Cradle meets Finslippy.

That was fucking fantastic.

[alice]

I'm making fun of the email pitch, in case that's unclear.

Ahem.

[Pinkie Bling]

LIPITOR! I'm dying over here. :)

[Aimee]

Hahahahahaa.....

Phew. I needed that laugh! Thanks!

Happy Friday. :)

[Cindy]

If he'd stop interrupting you could tell him that the Lipitor is the medicine cabinet right next to the retirement plan.

What's sad, is that all they want to do is grow up and be an adult only to realize as an adult they had it so much better as a kid.

[Jen]

Ha ha ha ha ha!!! "The days are long, but the years go fast." Alice, I love your writing. Can't wait for The Book!

[michelle gilliland]

Hilarious!!

[JB]

I got that you were making fun of the email pitch. :)

Yeah, advertiser? It's not "exactly" like that....I hate commercials like that, which try to appeal to parents like "times sure are a'changin', huh! These kids and their phones! Har!!" Bleh.

You should do more of these "making fun of pitches," too funny!!

[Unplanned Cooking]

Was just thinking today about how grown up our 5 year old is now that he's sassy. Guess I've seen nothin' yet!

[Jane]

holy cow! This made me laugh and cry at the same time. Brilliant!

[Rhiannon]

I'm slow and didn't get it as my 2 1/2 yo does this, just not quite as articulated.

him at going away party: where are my fucking shoes?!

me: you have 5 minutes until bedtimehim: god damit mama don't say that!

[Zazie]

Brilliant! You crack me up!

[Holly]

And THAT is why i'm locking my children in the basement.

[twojams]

That is hilarious. Love it.

[twojams]

Also can requests "grow up"? Doesn't "grow up" imply a bigger version of the same thing? The pitch should've said, one minute a ball, the next minute a REALLY BIG ball. Or maybe not use the words "grow up". Or, oh, whatever. *telling self to stop overanalyzing*

[Diane]

Kaley beat me to it - totally thought of Cat's in the Cradle. And just wait until you are really in in the sh** - I have four girls - 19, 14, 12, and 10. Second job to pay for the cell phones?

[suburbancorrespondent]

Oh, that's great. And you wish it would go that fast! The teen years take forever.

[Robyn]

That last comment ^ about the teen years really scares me.

Fun post.