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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
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« Books I'm saving for my grandchildren | Main | It's Saturday night and I'm writing a post. This is sad. »
Tuesday
Nov092010

Sugar is delicious

I recently received an email I thought I'd share with you, which read, sort of (I'm paraphrasing because I'm too lazy to go back and check my email):

Hi Alice! I remember you writing about not eating sugar anymore, and I was wondering, are you still doing that?


Here's my response:

Dear reader: You know what I remember? I remember you thinking you're so great because you get to remind people of stuff they said, like, a year ago, stuff they may or may not be doing anymore because time passes and Snickers still exist, and then I believe I recall you patting yourself on the back because of that, and then laughing your stupid laugh and all your friends thinking, "God, she sounds so dumb when she laughs like that"  but they're too nice to say so, but it's true. Ha, ha! Top THAT!

She then replied:

I'm confused. Why are you so upset with me? It was an honest question. I was just wondering if you were still doing that. And just so you know, my laugh sounds like thousands of tiny crystal bells, tinkling in heaven. I record my laughs for friends, for whenever they're feeling bereft. I got paid to laugh in a studio audience until the producers realized that my laugh was so transportingly beautiful that it brought the entire production to a halt, while everyone stared at me in reverent silence, just taking in my ineffable peals and whatever.


My reply:

You said tinkling! TINKLING! Boy, are you a dummy.

She replied:

?

And I said:

YEAH!!!

And she replied:

I'm beginning to suspect that you fell off the sugar-wagon. Is that what you're trying to tell me, Ms. Bradley?

And I was all:

...yes.

And then she was like:

There, now. Was that so hard?

And I said:

No. I'm sorry. I'm glad you have a pretty laugh. I...I'm just filled with shame. It's so stupid of me! The one thing that made me feel the best I have ever felt in my life was giving up sugar, and now here I am one year later cramming fun-sized Halloween leftovers into my mouth and crying and staring in horror at my acne and wondering why my pants don't fit. You're not the dummy. I am. I am the dummy. The dumb dummy who likes chocolate too much.

Then she didn't reply, probably out of disgust, or pity, or a potent combination of the two.

It's true, readers. I didn't just fall off the sugar wagon--I catapulted myself off of it and landed in a field of candy corn. And then I ate that field.

I thought you should know.

I will now strive for what the reasonable, intelligent people call "moderation." We'll see how that goes. 

Reader Comments (49)

Pants that fit are for boring people with no sense of a good time. Telling people at a party that you'd given up sugar would have just made them hate you a bit, so it all worked out.

November 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Garb

Remind me not to ask you about the gray hair experiment if you decide to start coloring again...

November 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBarnmaven

Love it! Your post motivated me to have a conversation with my zit, and we agreed to kick the Halloween candy out of the house. Thanks, Alice!

November 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa Benton

I had to give sugar up after I discovered I had hypoglycaemia. It sucks worse than anything. But I did discover there's a sweetener called Xylitol, which is low GI and low calorie, which doesn't taste like an artificial sweetener. I now use it to bake with, and while it's not sugar, it's better than just trying to never taste anything sweet again. Plus it's actually good for you - anti-candida, promotes calcium absorption, and protects teeth from decay (no, really!)

And I still eat chocolate, only two squares of dark chocolate per day. But it is kinda weird standing in front of the vending machine at work and figuring out I can probably only eat three of the things it holds (sigh)

November 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMine

Every bite-size chocolate bar you consume is one less candy that poor Henry must eat. Sugar is very bad for children. I am struck by the nobility of your sacrifice.

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaKu

I'm in the same position. Had a friend last week ask why I'd stopped blogging about losing weight.

Um, yeah.

I wonder why we so quickly forget how great it feels to be healthy. Not just slim, although that's nice. But bright-eyed and clear-skinned.

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSeth Simonds

Is this candy heaven? No, it's candy Iowa.

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErol

Moderation is a dirty, dirty word.

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPinkie Bling

I have a question. How can you eat candy corn when it's made of gross? Also, did you know all candy corn was made at once sometime in the 1930s? They've just been rationing it since then. I guess that's two questions, but one of them was mostly rhetorical. Just saying.

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChan

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for correcting the partial feed setting. I typed and then deleted a comment about it on your first partial feed post, but didn't think it was my right to tell you what to do when I figured your new blog design might have prompted you wanting us to really visit your site. Your back to being one of the sites that brings a smile to my face when I see that you have a post up :-).

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Just so you know:

Calories are a measurement of heat.

Put candy in the fridge.

Ta da!

Don't mess with my logic.

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

Who would ask that question?!

November 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMama Sweet Pea

I went a whole year without sugar. I now eat it at least several times per day. But I feel OK about it. I used to not be able to go to bed if anything sweet remained in the house. Now I have a huge stockpile, which I delve into daily, but am satisfied with just a portion. Some sugary things can sit around for weeks, which never used to happen. Don't know whether it's age or living without for a while, but I consider that progress!:)

November 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterwm

Hilarious! I feel your pain, and yet, I doubt you sunk to my new low of sneaking the halloween candy from my kids-- equally from each child in the family so they won't suspect; Justifying it because even a week after Halloween their bags weighed 5lbs. because we live in kidtopia. I've asked the kids to lock up their candy from now on. They looked at me weird.

Youtube "Lewis Black" and candy corn. If nothing else, after you eat candy corn you'll be able to yell (or think) "SONOFAB*TCH!"

November 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTink

I only associate with people who eat large quantities of sugar so we're good.

Oh and that visual of you and the candy corn reminded me of this most awesome post Hyperbole And A Half did: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html

November 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMama Kat

You know, I can't say for certain that this will happen to you, but as I age my desire for sugar has all but diminished. And, I didn't have just a sweet tooth. I had sweet teeth ... 32 of them until they yanked my wisdom teeth out. I try to find a little silver in those cotton candy clouds of growing old.

November 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFranca Bollo

I went off sugar for a whole month once. I munched on carrots when I got snacky, and was told I'd stop craving the sugar after two weeks clean. I never stopped craving it, and I grew to hate carrots.

November 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZina

I go away for a week or so (or more or...) and you get all fancy on me with a new website. How dare you! Just for that I'm going to show no sympathy of you falling off the sugar wagon... into that field of candy corn... which sounds soooo goood by the way... and speaking of candy corn, my daughter did not get one speck of it from trick or treating. What is this world coming to???

November 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmigurumigirl

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