Stinky book.

I returned a book to the library because it smelled bad. Whoever borrowed the book before me had, it seemed, smoked twelve packs of cigarettes while reading it, then rubbed the book into his or her armpits, and maybe some other areas. I didn't want to think about it. (Liar! I wanted to know exactly what happened to this book. Not only did I sniff at it for far too long, I also invited others to smell it. Strangely, no one really wanted to.) The book, incidentally, was "Bel Canto," by Ann Patchett. Not "Smell this!: Inventing New and Puzzling Odors Using Your Very Own Body." It isn't the sort of novel I would imagine might attract a reader who's vehemently anti-shower. But nonetheless.

So I returned the book. I couldn't very well drop it into the drop-off box, because 1) it would infect all the other books with its funk, and 2) the library would think I am responsible. The library is judging, always judging. The librarians get together at the end of the day and mock my book-borrowing choices. Yeah, that’s right, just mine. I know how these things go.

I handed the book to the librarian and explained the deal with the book. "This book has an odor," I said, "and if you’ll smell me you’ll know that the odor did not originate from me. I smell of lavender, with notes of vanilla, while this reeks of unwholesomeness and the grave."

Let me try that again. "Hi, this book smells," I told the librarian. She held the book between two fingers and nodded, tossing it into a bin. The smelly-book bin? "It happens all the time," she said. "I've seen much worse."

"Like what?" I asked her, but she only shook her head. So I'm pretty sure that what she meant is that people poop in books. I'm guessing, here, but I also know I’m right, and that it happens all the time.

In conclusion, smell your books before borrowing them. Maybe shake them out a bit. You'll thank me later.

Comments

[Kyre]

Ack! This was *not* what Ben Franklin had in mind, I am positive.

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

So...I'm not allowed to rub a library book in my armpits, even if I really, really like it?

[Lara]

Ewww....Bel Canto is a great book, but nothing is worth putting up with funk!

[Karly]

Good news! My son knocked over an entire bottle of liquid potpourri and guess where it landed? In the bag FULL of library books! So, no stinky books here. Sticky, maybe. But not stinky.

[The Mom Bomb]

My kids stank the other day, thanks to me. I left the laundry in the wash too long, it got funky, then I thought I could mask it by throwing a wad of lavender-scented fabric softening sheets into the dryer with the load. My kids' clothes smelled like a cross between a French garden and a mildewed gym locker. I'm sure they're suffering psychic trauma.

[Dory]

That's happened to me before. *shudders* What are people doing?! Rubbing their funk directly onto the book?!

Not putting in the drop - excellent call. I would've done the exact same thing!

Those librarians are all Judge-y McJudgerbodies.

[Jennie!]

I worked at a library in high school. Before I started there, someone used to come in and poop in books he thought were inappropriate (such as Heather Has Two Mommies) and then put them back on the shelf. I think he finally got caught and the whole incident was on The Daily Show (before Jon Stewart was the host, unfortunately).

[amy]

EEWWWWW.

This is hilariously funny and super disgusting.

The perfect post I guess.

[Pocklock]

Hahaha. Smelly books are NOT fun. And EWWW to think she's "seen much worse"!

[3 to get ready]

That's too bad. I thought Bel Canto was really good. I hope you found an un-funky copy somewhere.

And in all my book-borrowing days, I don't think I've ever encountered a book that stinky. I used to go to a library where the whole building smelled slightly mildewy, and the books picked up some of that, but nothing as bad as what you describe. I'll have to be on the lookout now.

[becks]

You're hysterical. I once found a piece of processed cheese in a book. Was it an impromtu bookmark? A snack for later? Regardless, it was unwrapped and gross.

[Kathy]

I've seen library books with, I think, bloodstains on the pages. I hope it was only barbecue sauce or someone's cherry popsicle, but after the poop story, blood doesn't seem so awful.

[Alexis]

You're actually not wrong about the judging. It's kind of a routine you get into working at the library. But in librarians' defense, the only way to deal with the people who throw books at you, who dump garbage in the drop-box, and who routinely leave piles of books in the public washrooms (! there was this guy who had this thing about DIY woodworking books...), is to make fun of them.Otherwise, you risk becoming them.

[Bertha]

The SAME THING happens at our library, but not with books (at least not ones I have checked out), with videos. ALL the movies at the Salem (MA) Public Library STINK of hardcore BO. That whole area stinks and when you bring the movies home, they infect your house and car with their stink. I thought it was just my library, but perhaps there is something common to all libraries that enables this stink to exist. Maybe the tape they use to adhere the little shelf numbers degrades over time releasing the odor? I wonder if we'll ever know...

[mostcurious]

oh wow. eww. worse? Really? Ewwww.

[Beth]

It's funny that you would mention this, as I thought it was a problem only I had. I've actually refrained from checking out certain books because they smelled too musty. Reading may be fundamental, but it shouldn't be smelly. ;^)

[Reverie]

I checked out the same book--it was a Michael Crighton book right???!! I'm presently consumed with guilt--the library was closed when I returned, so I dropped my book down the chute. I live in a small town, the librarians probably think I'm a closet smoker...I wonder how soon they'll revoke my card?

You're a very entertaining, insightful writer--I like your style.

[Joey]

Toilet paper bookmarks - see it ALL THE TIME.

And someone has pooped on our shelves.

Man, I love working at a library.

[LauraC]

I know what's in the worse category.

When we were thinking about trying for a baby, I checked out the book "Choosing Waterbirth" from the Chicago library system.

Every single picture of naked pregnant women was cut out of the book. Even the ones of naked women giving birth. When I realized the pattern, I threw the book on the ground in horror, scared that some CREEP had touched it before me.

I was scared to death to explain to the librarian... who knew me by name!... why all the naked pictures were cut out. She was non-chalant, she said, "I see that all the time."

All the time?! Really?!

[Jen]

Hey! I am out of toilet paper. Why not use the library book that I have in the john?

Wow. I can't stop laughing to think that people poop on books.

[caramama]

In high school, I worked in a bookstore and cleaning the men's room was the job no one wanted at the end of the day. Let's just say that we sold the type of magazines that you have put opaque covers in front of. And sometimes those magazines were left in the bathroom. With presents.

Oh, and sometimes there would be dirty, poopy diapers left on the shelves of the kids section! Really, people! Is it too hard to throw away a poopy diaper?

I imagine the library would see similar things. Gross about the pictures of pregnant women and women giving birth being cut out of the book and pooping directly in books. What is wrong with people?

[Em]

I have a fear that people who used the library books before me marked their pages with boogers. In my mind, they would of course mark their page in the upper corner so I always try to turn the page from the middle of the page or at least the bottom corner.

I hadn't even considered the poop. Now I have something new to worry about when I turn pages. Not only could I be faced with a squished booger but .... I can't even write it. I need to go lie down.

[E]

Aww, jeez...now I can't ever check out a library book without wondering where it's been and whose been handling it. I used to live in a pleasant state of denial--I'm the first person to check this book out, right? Therefore, noone has read it while sitting on the toilet! And I do not have to worry about catching cooties!-- and y'all have ruined my denial. Because now I'm wondering if that there stain is poop. POOP!

[Jenn]

I am active on a couple of library and library science communities. There have been a few discussions about the strangest things found in returned books.I still think that a piece of uncooked bacon tops the list. And it wasn't even a cookbook!

[Sherry]

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom! :)