Spinning wheel, got to go ‘round.
May 12, 2005As the Child hurtles past the 2 1/2 mark and careens toward 3, his mood swings have begun to last for days, if not weeks. So: we’ll have a marathon of intense horribleness, followed by a leisurely stretch of unbridled lovability. It also seems that, the more horrible he is, the more lovable he’ll be later, and vice versa. (Of course, if this were strictly true he’d be escalating in every cycle toward a state of almost inhuman badness or goodness, so I guess it’s not strictly true, but whatever, I’m not a scientist.)
You’d think this could mean that I could ride out the bad period, because I’d know it would soon come to an end. Like during the last Black Period, when we were at the bookstore and, for no reason I could see, he threw a book at my face and screamed one of his charming nonsense words that sounded exactly like “Bitch!” (To all the shocked caregivers surrounding me, some of whom gasped and clutched their bosoms: he wasn’t saying “Bitch,” okay? I mean, if he was going to repeat the cursing he hears in our house, he’d call me an asswipe or a douche. You know! All sophisticated-like!) Or at the playground, when he collapsed into a frothing, shrieking mess because it was time to go home, and I had to haul all 40 pounds of him into the stroller and somehow buckle him in and he kept kicking me in the teeth. You’d think I could laugh these episodes off! Ha, ha! Kids!
Nope, pretty much I can’t.
But now! Oh my god, the sweetness, the cuddling, it's almost too much. Unbidden, he will request a kiss and/or hug. He will come up with statements like “You're my best pal” and “Your hair is cute” (I swear I’m not making this up) or “I’m enjoying this wonderful day with you, Mommy.” During walks he’ll ask me the names of different flowers and then expound upon the wonders of that particular flower. This child, according to him, has an infatuation with tulips that borders on the inappropriate. He is hot for tulips. Today, as I ate my lunch, he stood next to me watching, a huge smile on his face, and as I ate the last bite of my sandwich he said, “That was your last piece!” and I agreed and he said, “And now the Last Piece Monster is coming to kiss you!” and he started kissing my arm.
The Last Piece Monster. Can you stand it?
He’s been this way for a while. It could all change at any minute. No storm clouds will herald the darkening of the Child’s mood. He could go down for his nap with a smile, and then wake up to announce that I am in a world of shit.
He’s napping now.
I’m afraid.
Reader Comments (55)
My 19 year old was a psycho as a 2-4 year old. "I HATE you MOMMY!" was repeated a gazillion times when he didn't get his way, even if it was for something not even possible or not under my control. Luckily, my older son had done none of that, so I had one kid who loved me. I'd always tell my younger son, "I know you feel angry at me sometimes, but I love you and I know you love me, too," repeated beyond ad infinitum. I'd not respond with anger, but would also not allow him to break things or hurt anyone by having him sit by himself in a big old chair we had in the living room. (Luckily he was skinny and light and easy to tote.) He also alternated the "I hate you" stuff with lots of "I love you mommy" stuff--mash notes he'd write to me and presents he'd make.
He went through some of the same tantrums as a young teen (well, 8-13, with 8 being "the new 12"), but the anger wore itself out by the time he was 14, and he's been pretty much like an adult since then. Responsible, good grades. Works for a great company in the field he wants his profession in, part time during school months and full time summers. Great 2 year girlfriend despite going to univ. in dif. states--they beam at each other like beacons when they are together, plus her parents adore him like we adore her.
My older son, the easy-going one, went through none of the bad angry-child stuff, but he took longer to mature in some ways and had a harder time finding his way after high school. It isn't as easy for him to follow goals, and I think part of that is because he is very calm and adaptable and can be diverted too easily. He is much more a people-person, more intuitive, more flexible.
Its so cool watching them grow up. Enjoy all the nutty years, it makes them who they become.
My boy child was a delightful 2 and a horrible 3. My girl child was just the opposite. Now they are 9 and 7 and both delightful most of the time.
And when they're not, I find drinking helps.
And for those of you with headstrong kids--do NOT send them to schools that advocate strong pro-discipline methods. Stubborn kids hit the WALLS when they are around strict/stubborn teachers & principals.
My younger son did great at specialty or waldorf schools, follow-your-own-pace kind of schools (had a B average, heavy schedule with advance placement classes). But even in these type of schools you will run into more disciplined teachers--keep them away from your kids, or school will become all about rebelling for them instead of about learning. One control-freak worm dean at my son's middle school still makes my blood boil; we were lucky that he was the exception, not the norm.
Testing you with being bad, to see how far he can push you away, and will you still be there, mommying and loving? If you are, and hes tested to his hearts devious satisfaction, then he will test every other bond you have, including love, appropriate behaviour with regards to....well, everything.I have four sons, and a teenage daughter, they have tested me in ways I couldn't even find in researching for a masters in How Do Children Test Their Parentsology.My eldest son is in grade 5 and he's the devil incarnate, but I totally draw the line at hitting me or slapping, kicking, punching, biting, throwing books etc. When that happens, I do it right back to them.....call me the crazy one if you will. But I can count the number of times they retested my limit for getting physical with me.....
Happy mommyhood.
Uma, personally, I would never--and have never--slapped, kicked, punched, bit or threw books at any of my kids.
I think that that kind of reaction just prolongs their violent, immature physical toddler behavior into their older ages. My moody son was physically rough only until he was 3 or 4, and after that, when he could speak and reason, his only acting-out was verbal or stomping around.
When he was little and fought physically I'd pick him up, sometimes pinioning his arms to his side and catching his feet so he couldn't swing them, like a bear-hug. I'd say, "People do not hit or kick people!" in a stern, serious voice, and I'd put him in his chair. No hitting him, no kicking, nothing more--ever--from me or his dad. And after their toddler phase was over, neither of our sons ever hit us--ever! There were plenty of slammed doors, some smashed-in-anger objects, but NO PEOPLE OR PETS hurt, EVER.
If your son is hitting and kicking you and you are hitting and kicking him back, you need to know that that is NOT going to work long-term. All you are doing is teaching him that being bigger and stronger is what is better, and when he does get bigger and stronger, you (or anyone else he loves who is smaller) will lose.
I remember those days. My daughters are 7 and 10 now, and I look back at those times and...wait a minute...NOTHING'S changed. Both their moods still swing like an axe on a pendulum carving havoc in its path.
And good God, they're not even teenagers yet.
On the flip side, our former tyrant, the 3 1/2 year old, is suddenly the Hallmark kid as if to balance out the volcanic virtiol of his younger sibling. He announces "you're the best, dad" abuot 10 times a day. That rocks.
All of my kids leveled out emotionally (for the most part) when they hit kindergarten but they still hug and kiss me (except my 12 yr old won't do it in front of his friends!) good luck!
My 21 month old is starting to show signs of being a possible terror. 99% Angel. 1% Demon.
It scares me to think what I'm possibly in for.
And as a point, I smack kaidin (gently, I'd never raise a mark) after he is being a c^#t after three warnings or if he does something dangerous that he knows he is not allowed to do (I just pretend the whole time with the whole packet of cereal mushed into the carpet and mummy was hungover never happened....)
You are the loveliest writer and I hope Henry has endless good days for you.
I will absolutely look at the "growth spirt vs. bad mood" equation, but my prayer has just been that he's just learning how to be and its my job to "be there" (as in set boundaries for the bad times, explain as much - show options - as I can before a pout becomes a tantrum, and celebrate and extend the good times).
I'm scared, but at least I know I'm no longer alone.
Kel