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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« Mysteries of the mind and body—not explained! | Main | Tartar-sauce-loving witches will dislike me after this one. »
Wednesday
Aug162006

Soon they will be gone, and I will dance upon their eensy graves.

Dear pink eye:

I have had it with you, you crusty whore. Get out of my kid’s eye.

Sincerely,

Alice

Dear Alice, aka Supervisor of Most Beloved Host Body,

You know less than nothing, you giant Alice slug. We are not a “you” but a “you plural.” Once we were many, and we knew nothing but joy. We danced and sang the praises of Most Beloved Host Body, that which you call My-Kid’s-Eye, who kept us warm and safe in his lovely tide pools, who only endangered us occasionally with his Giant Hand-Digit as it disturbed our waters and brought many of us with it on a mysterious journey to Out There. But still, we loved Him. And then you arrived, raining your hot evil breath upon us as Most Beloved Host Body screamed in protest, and you brought the poisonous flood that destroyed most of our numbers. Now on top of it all you call us these names? You are this Crusty Whore of which you speak. You!

Love,

Staphylococcus #19,000,007,888,999,122,882


Dear Alice,

We heard some, how shall we say this, bloodcurdling screams and shrieking coming from your home last night. Just wondering, if, you know, we should call someone for you! Maybe find a better home for your kid! You frighten us!

We now regret giving you those housewarming brownies,

Your neighbors


Dear Neighbors of Most Beloved Host Body,

SHE IS KILLING US. One by one we die, and yet she keeps coming, drowning us in her toxic tidal waves. There are only 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 of us left. We need your help. Call governmental agencies! Help us!

Most sincerely,

Staphylococcus #18,200,000,873,2931

p.s. Come over and dip one of your Hand-Digits into our tidal pools, and perhaps we can come live on you. We mean, with you. You will revel in our brutal, tiny love.

Reader Comments (72)

Oh man. Now I'm going to get pink eye. I'm one of those. Those that gets pink eye just by thinking about it.

Hope the pink eye visiting your home takes a hike soon.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChristine
Thanks, thanks a lot. Your little pink friends have somehow insinuated themselves through the internet (because, you know, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes, apparently leading directly into my eyes!)Holy cow, they itch. They stick. They're not even a nice shade of pink. Blech.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMiriam
I just walked out of an exam room after treating a screaming child for pink eye, and read this post (because I am sneaky that way, with the post-reading while I am supposed to be typing discharge instructions). As my southern mother would say, I laughed so hard I thought my pants would never dry.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterBihari
Vanessa--there are three types of conjunctivitis: bacterial, viral, and allergic. Not too much you can do about viral or allergic varieties.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
We had our sitter over last night, and I noticed that her right eye looked suspiciously pinkish. But what to do? Confront her and ask if she was germy, and risk the loss of an Adult Night Out Without Children? No. Instead, I pretended to myself that she just had allergies.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMartha
Fantastic post. Best thing I've read today.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSassy
This totally made my eyes water.
August 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeels
Oh Alice! You sure know how to make me laugh. My son had pink eye 3 times last year. I know how crappy that crap is!
August 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDana
Remember after the MB panel, you said we were making eyes at each other? (Which really, was me rolling my eyes at all the self-promotion going on and believing you felt the same way?)

Well about that. That was stink eye, not pink eye. Just so you know. You can't pin this one on me! :)

Best of luck!
August 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Rani
Okay, that made me chortle but also throw up a little tiny bit.
August 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPK
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I laughed so hard my contact popped out!
August 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Fire
ok, very funny. Not the pink eye itself, but how you discuss it. My son missed his last day of preschool because of pink eye. He still ocassionally gets the gunks, but the dr. has now chalked it up to allergies. Go figure. After two rounds of drops and one round of petroleum gunk that blurs the vision, he beat that nasty staph..??? to the curb. Thank you for adding humor to a rather distressing event for a child, and thus, the parent.
August 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie
oh yes! the unique joy of adminstering eyedrops to offspring. ranks right up there with giving a rottweiler a suppository!
August 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterchristine m. from canada
Oh my god! So funny!!!! My side hurts! :)

But, really, so sorry about the evil pink eye!
August 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLeah
As usual, your comments are ALMOST as entertaining as your posts.....

Darlin Alice, I can't get this mental picture of you in a pointy witch hat laughing maniacally while prancing around on tiny eeensy graves with tiny screams coming from the ground out of my head.

Just a tiny peek into my mind, don't be afraid......
August 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDeb
LOl! I just fought this same battle at my house. Although I have to admit my blogging about it was somewhat less amusing! LOL
August 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTC
This was a little too funny and a little too real. I loved it.
August 21, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterpanajane
Aah, you are so delightfully weird.
August 21, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersuse
I am so creeped out! Now I picture little pink-eye key swapping parties w/ pools of ick.
August 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina
I hate pink eye too. Over the last several months, my daugher has had multiple bouts with it. The doctor treated her for a sinus infection, thinking that she was infecting herself that way (and I don't want to think about how that works!), but now I think she has another episode coming on, because she's waking up with crusty eyes again. Aaargh.
August 22, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterabogada
i think, yes, my favourite post ever written by anyone ever. i grovel at your surreal and totally hilarious feet.
August 22, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOvaGirl
Yep....pink eye sucks....I was going to add more to that but I'm not sure if this site is PG...so that will be all.I hope the little one is all better soon.Dawn
August 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDawn

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