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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Mysteries of the mind and body—not explained! | Main | Tartar-sauce-loving witches will dislike me after this one. »
Wednesday
Aug162006

Soon they will be gone, and I will dance upon their eensy graves.

Dear pink eye:

I have had it with you, you crusty whore. Get out of my kid’s eye.

Sincerely,

Alice

Dear Alice, aka Supervisor of Most Beloved Host Body,

You know less than nothing, you giant Alice slug. We are not a “you” but a “you plural.” Once we were many, and we knew nothing but joy. We danced and sang the praises of Most Beloved Host Body, that which you call My-Kid’s-Eye, who kept us warm and safe in his lovely tide pools, who only endangered us occasionally with his Giant Hand-Digit as it disturbed our waters and brought many of us with it on a mysterious journey to Out There. But still, we loved Him. And then you arrived, raining your hot evil breath upon us as Most Beloved Host Body screamed in protest, and you brought the poisonous flood that destroyed most of our numbers. Now on top of it all you call us these names? You are this Crusty Whore of which you speak. You!

Love,

Staphylococcus #19,000,007,888,999,122,882


Dear Alice,

We heard some, how shall we say this, bloodcurdling screams and shrieking coming from your home last night. Just wondering, if, you know, we should call someone for you! Maybe find a better home for your kid! You frighten us!

We now regret giving you those housewarming brownies,

Your neighbors


Dear Neighbors of Most Beloved Host Body,

SHE IS KILLING US. One by one we die, and yet she keeps coming, drowning us in her toxic tidal waves. There are only 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 of us left. We need your help. Call governmental agencies! Help us!

Most sincerely,

Staphylococcus #18,200,000,873,2931

p.s. Come over and dip one of your Hand-Digits into our tidal pools, and perhaps we can come live on you. We mean, with you. You will revel in our brutal, tiny love.

Reader Comments (72)

It is so uplifting to read my own personal horror so well written. We battled that demon just this summer- and it was a miracle- only one of my three got it. I was a screaming shrew during the contamination though - "Wash your hands!" "Don't touch that!" "Get away from him!"
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterclickmom
alice, i fucking love you.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
ahahaaha! You make the laughter infectious too. Look at me! Teeming with the giggles I got from you.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteranne nahm
Ahhh...but can you imagine if they dipped their digits into a batch of brownies AFTER they double-dipped in the pink eye tidal pools?
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjes
Too Much!! I'm saving this one!
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
"brutal, tiny love"--now that's a Gymini I have to try...
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentershayneegray
After watching my nephew turn into a wildcat on the floor whilst getting his eye drops for pink eye (which I subsequently contracted) I lived in fear of the first time my kids ever got it. Fortunately pink eye seems to almost always travel along with its close friend the ear infection, so my pediatrician has always prescribed oral antibiotics as a treatment. Consequently I have never had to do hand to hand combat with the little suckers. Ask Henry if he's SURE his ears aren't hurting. Just a little. Please.....
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRobin in San Jose
You are so funny. Staphylococcus is (are?) so defiant.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentererika
Dear pink eye,You come anywhere near my 3 year old and I am going to come at you SoCal style, bro! While my son has made many overtures towards you such as dragging his hand on all public surfaces and scratching his eyeball about 4 million times a day, he is nothing but a tease and I will take a powerhose to his eye to flush you out.Sincerely,Not a hypochondriac, Why?
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjbeeky
I got pinkeye for the first time ever when I was 18. Sadly, it decided to swell and pink-ify and pus up during a waitressing shift. I didn't notice til after three tables in a row recoiled in horror. I snuck a look in the bathroom mirror and CHRIST ON A CRACKER WHO PUNCHED ME IN THE EYE?But! If you get pinkeye as an adult, the upsides are that the drops seem to be much less painful, and you can walk around with giant black sunglasses on all day and night and just adopt a Marlene Dietrich accent if people question you.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenternadarine
Delurking to say...HILARIOUS!

Pink Eye totally sucks and it's good you've kept your sense of humor about it.

Do you think you could ask some of the primary "infectors" to come by my neighborhood? I have a few snotty neighbors I'd like to send them to...LOL!
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSteph.
hey! we just had a bout with pink eye over here. DOUBLE pink eye.

also, i just read, and hold onto your hats, that IN the human body with it's billions upon billions of cells, only ONE OUT OF EVERY TEN of those cells is human. the rest? microbes, in and ON us, everywhere. eeeeeeeuuuuuuuu.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkyra
Reason # 624 as to why, when we have children, they will be allowed NO other human interaction and will only leave the house once he/she is 35.

Why don't people understand that?
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersamantha Jo Campen
My name is Legion, and I am many.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterdorothy
My son was allergic to the drops! So after 10 days of torture with his eyes seemingly as bad as ever, I made the executive decision to stop them and lo, the eyes, they were no longer pink!

But you haven't lived until your kid gets head lice! And then gets them again, and again, because the pre-school is infested--and they finally have to close for a few days so they can fumigate.

You have to wash everything in boiling water and everything that can't be washed has to be sealed in plastic bags for 10 days so all the lice and all their eggs die, because they die if they can't get onto a host.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine
Dear Alice,We are the Tidal Waves of Death to the Pink Eye Crusty Whores. We are also known as Phoenix Tears, for our liquid is as valuable as precious metal, as costly as a minute of Bill Gates' time. You will pay dearly for us, though we reside in a bottle smaller than the thumb of a Smurf. In fact, your pharmacist borrowed the bottle from Tinkerbell. We will continue to do battle with the Crusty Whores, all 19,576,007,886,375,184,201 of them, but the price will be high. Oh yes. Might we suggest getting some help from the neighbors to hold the Host Body down? Too many of us wasted on his precious cheeks would be the equivalent of the aid your government gives to a third world country in a day. But we are worth every penny for our Crusty Whore killing drops.

Sincerely,Liquid Gold, a.k.a. Phoenix Tears
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea
I get eye infections CONSTANTLY. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I soooooo feel your son's (and your!) pain.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJem
Perfect.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertuckova
So every time I read one of your posts, I experience one of the following; Snorting, laughing out loud, tears streaming down my cheeks, guffaws. After THIS one? All of the above, and I think I might have peed a little during the laughing out loud part.

And then I read the comments. And it happened all over again.

You. Are. So. Funny.
August 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSonia (DDM)
Stupid pink eye. It really sucks. I'm with your husband - deathly afraid of getting pink eye. It's scary!
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJessie
Dear funny mommy blogger who made me laugh out loud this morning and accidentally woke my kids up,

You are so on my reader.

Sincerely,The I'mPerfect Mom, who is still snorting with laughter.



August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJenn
I had a nasty case a few years ago - staph related pink eye & my Dr told me to put bactracin ointment in my nose because it kills the little demons and the nose is a perfect host - so give it a try... it works!!
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMary
is August National Pink Eye month? You're the fourth mom to talk about it in the past week! So eeenteresting.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commentergabby
NOW maybe people will understand why I prohibit my boys from saying the words "pinkeye" at school. It's enough to start a plague!

Hysterical post!
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAnne Glamore
I've read that a lot of pinkeye cases are viral and don't really require treatment. But then every time my kid gets it, I imagine my Irish immigrant ancestors arriving on this shore (well, actually the other shore, but whatever) with their scabby-eyed little children whose sight could have been saved if they'd only had the right medicine, and I end up giving her the drops anyway. Sometimes imagination is a real curse.
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa

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