Soon they will be gone, and I will dance upon their eensy graves.

Dear pink eye:

I have had it with you, you crusty whore. Get out of my kid’s eye.

Sincerely,

Alice

Dear Alice, aka Supervisor of Most Beloved Host Body,

You know less than nothing, you giant Alice slug. We are not a “you” but a “you plural.” Once we were many, and we knew nothing but joy. We danced and sang the praises of Most Beloved Host Body, that which you call My-Kid’s-Eye, who kept us warm and safe in his lovely tide pools, who only endangered us occasionally with his Giant Hand-Digit as it disturbed our waters and brought many of us with it on a mysterious journey to Out There. But still, we loved Him. And then you arrived, raining your hot evil breath upon us as Most Beloved Host Body screamed in protest, and you brought the poisonous flood that destroyed most of our numbers. Now on top of it all you call us these names? You are this Crusty Whore of which you speak. You!

Love,

Staphylococcus #19,000,007,888,999,122,882

Dear Alice,

We heard some, how shall we say this, bloodcurdling screams and shrieking coming from your home last night. Just wondering, if, you know, we should call someone for you! Maybe find a better home for your kid! You frighten us!

We now regret giving you those housewarming brownies,

Your neighbors

Dear Neighbors of Most Beloved Host Body,

SHE IS KILLING US. One by one we die, and yet she keeps coming, drowning us in her toxic tidal waves. There are only 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 of us left. We need your help. Call governmental agencies! Help us!

Most sincerely,

Staphylococcus #18,200,000,873,2931

p.s. Come over and dip one of your Hand-Digits into our tidal pools, and perhaps we can come live on you. We mean, with you. You will revel in our brutal, tiny love.

Comments

[Stacie Penney]

I'm going to die of laughter. That sums up everything I knew about pink eye and never realized.

[Ashley]

*Note to self: Do not read Finslippy entries just as important corporate managers are walking through the door. You will seem like a crazy, what with your stifled laughter and red face."

[LadyBug]

I hate pink eye.

I hate those drops we're supposed to squirt in our screaming, wriggling, writhing kid's eyes.

The only way I could ever get the drops in the eyes was to squirt 'em in the inside corners while the kid's eyes were closed. When they opened them, surprise! Drops in the eyes! And THEN the screaming commenced of course. "It BURNS....AAHHHH...THE BURNING!" But, hey. At least I got the drops in, right?

[palinode]

So, is this correspondence done through snail mail? What do tiny staph envelopes and letterhead look like? Do they write on little memo pads with "From the eye of Henry" printed along the top? Just wanting to know a bit about the logistics here.

[Ceece]

Not a good lunch-time read post.

[alice]

Palinode, all I can say is: you should see their penmanship. Not good.

[Gillian]

I am so shocked about the penmanship. When you consider how much time those assholes spend in schools all over the country! We need to revamp our educational system.

Go, Alice!

[Mother]

You've got to stop hanging out at Sweetney's house.

[shy me]

I am both amused and creeped out at the same time : )

can they get through the screen to me?

*runs and washes hands*

[Margrit McIntosh]

Wow, I have to save this one, it is wonderfully written! Good job!

[Rae]

GET THEM GOOD! You have doubled me over with laughter.

[LetterB]

Governmental agencies? Ha! Silly bacterium. Good luck with your sweeping vengeance, Alice.

[Alexa]

HA HA HA HA! *wheeze*. Oh Alice, you slay me.

[Nicole]

You. Are. Hillarious.

[Kari]

Did the neighbors put tartar sauce on the brownies? Or maybe pot?

I ate a pot-laced brownie once. And I am willing to bet there were plenty of Hand-digits going all kinds of places after that. Tiny love, indeed.

[bellabugs_mom]

I am deathly afraid of pink eye. I would rather be lying in bed with 400 spiders.

Someone really should have told me that kids are prone to pink eye BEFORE I decided to have kids. That might have been a deal breaker.

[becks]

This has nothing to do with this post, but I have been combing through your archives, and that henry, he is one funny dude.

I think I could eat him.

(Well. But I wouldn't really eat him.)

But he is pretty cool.

[becks]

This has nothing to do with this post, but I have been combing through your archives, and that henry, he is one funny dude.

I think I could eat him.

(Well. But I wouldn't really eat him.)

But he is pretty cool.

[becks]

This has nothing to do with this post, but I have been combing through your archives, and that henry, he is one funny dude.

I think I could eat him.

(Well. But I wouldn't really eat him.)

But he is pretty cool.

[wordgirl]

As a teacher, I used to get pinkeye a lot. It sucks the big pudding and I weep for your pain and general inconvenience. Pinkey Must Die!

Sincerely,Wordgirl

[becks]

Um. Mental Note: Only hit post once.

[Amy/grrlTravels]

"tiny, brutal love"Thanks. I needed that.

[SparklieSunShine]

Bahahahahaha!

[karen]

Do you think Scott will ever come home, given his mortal fear of said Staphylococci?

By the way: You. are. a. genius. I mean that.

[OTRgirl]

Your ability to create humor from just about any situation has me in awe!