Someone's a big girl!
September 23, 2011
I may be outing my mom, because a number of her friends and acquaintances thinks she's 65. Not only do they think she's 65, they also believe (correctly) that she looks extraordinarily good for a 65-year-old. I'm a little concerned that if any of them find out the truth they won't survive the shock/envy. Then again, none of those people know how to work an Internet.
At any rate: it is impossible to sum up how wonderfully hilarious and infuriating my mother is. She is a never-ending source of entertainment and blog material. Here, in no particular order, is but a sampling of just some of the insightful/hilarious/baffling tidbits my mother has passed along to me throughout these many years.
75 Things My Mom Has Told Me
1. I don't trust boring people.
2. Be proud of your ass. Seriously. It's a good ass. You got that from me.
3. Don't chew gum with your mouth open.
4. When you're really stuck, just act like you're stupid.
5. You will never beat me at arm wrestling. But you're getting better! No, really, I kind of had to resist this time.
6. This music is not too loud. Don't be an old lady.
7. If you're playing loud music and not dancing, there's something wrong with you.
8. Add lots of olive oil to that.
9. I'm sure you kids make fun of me behind my back. Whatever.
10. It's a funny story--they thought I was a prostitute! Of course I wasn't.
11. I can teach you how to salsa, get up.
12. Going to bed before midnight is weird.
13. You need to get rich so I can live in a wing of your house. Or a floor, I'll take a floor.
14. It's 5 pm. That's cocktail hour.
15. Don't take yourself so seriously.
16. If you're going to make your bed, do a good job at least.
17. All those celebrities are gay. All of them.
18. I swear I don't know what I'm going to do with you.
19. You might be annoyed with me now, but someday you're going to miss this.
20. There is nothing better than broccoli rabe. IT'S FULL OF ANTI-OXIDANTS.
21. No one should ski. Who the hell likes the cold?
22. You should listen to that woman on the radio, what's her name. She's smart.
23. Always wear a little makeup.
24. You know who flirts with women in their 70s? Men in their 90s. It's disgusting.
25. My father had beautiful feet.
26. What? It's not weird to know about your father's feet.
27. Don't write anything you wouldn't want your mother to read.
28. Those Swiffer things, what do you call them, they're the best.
29. You can too drink wine while you're pregnant.
30. Doctors never know what they're talking about.
31. Don't make me worry.
32. Everything's going to be fine! I said the Rosary about it.
33. You'll always have your family.
34. Except the family members who are pieces of crap.
35. I don't care how little money you have, that's no reason not to get a pedicure.
36. There's no excuse for not knowing how to spell. Okay, maybe dyslexia. I'm not talking about that!
37. You can't go wrong with beige. Or a nice ecru.
38. There are some good things about getting old. You lose all your body hair, which is nice.
39. If you're feeling bad, you can wallow for a while, and then you get over it!
40. When you get older, the key word is "dewy," Alice. You want to look dewy.
41. There's nothing wrong with only having one kid. Sometimes I wished I only had one! I don't mean it like THAT.
42. Make fun of me all you like. I'll haunt you some day.
43. Cheap crap is crap. Why would you buy cheap crap?
44. I'm so glad you're not dyeing your hair that horrible red color anymore. I didn't want to say anything.
45. Birthday cards don't count unless they're sent in the mail. [Note: I screw this one up every year.]
46. You were the first one of my children to call on my birthday! You're my favorite this year.
47. Those e-cards don't count. Don't you dare send me those.
48. Fine, I'll cut down on the Christmas gifts, but I have to get you something.
49. Your boyfriend is Jewish? Good. I have no problem with the Jews.
50. New York in the fifties!
51. Why would anyone live in New Jersey? That's where they dump the bodies.
52. Before I got my cataracts removed, I looked amazing.
53. No boys allowed in your bedroom. I don't care if it's your gay friend.
54. I never did anything half as embarrassing to you as my mother did to me. [Pretty sure this is true.]
55. When I die, cremate me and throw my ashes at Harry Belafonte. [This may not be something she said, but it is something I'm planning.]
56. Of course I'm going to spoil Henry. I'm the grandma. Get over it.
57. I'm just saying, I think she might be gay. She wears these glasses and she has that short hair.
58. Also she lives with this other woman and they sleep in the same bed. You can't tell me that's not a thing.
59. What do you mean, you're not coming home for Thanksgiving Eve?
60. When that dog of yours dies, I don't want to be around.
61. I'd never live in a place where there's a dry heat. Those people all look like mummies.
62. You definitely did not get my chest. I've got nothing.
63. There is nothing I hate more than texting.
64. I happened to think those email jokes were funny. I'll never send you any jokes ever again. Don't be like what?
65. It's just money, Alice.
66. I don't know where we are! Your father's driving.
67. You didn't call so I left you a message. Not "several" messages.
68. I love that blog you wrote! "Post," whatever.
69. I just hope you're raising Henry with some religion. I'm not saying you have to go to CHURCH.
70. Never lie to your mother.
71. You were always so modest growing up. And now…
72. I don't know where you learned that fucking language.
73. Just hope you didn't inherit those Irish genes, because believe me they did not age well. Their faces all fall to their waists.
74. Life is too short.
75. Call your mother.
I love you, Mom. Happy birthday. And here's to another 75 years! If anyone could pull that off it would be you.
Please, everyone, wish my mom a happy birthday. And if you feel like sharing any words of wisdom your mother has imparted to you at some point in your life, that would be great.
Reader Comments (140)
After living through years of fear of dying in a plane crash (and, since my father worked for Lufthansa, we got into planes pretty often when I was a kid), my mother once said: "If God intended me to die because of an airplane, I can avoid getting into airplanes for ever, but then one will probably drop onto my head. So big deal.". Bingo, my fear of flying evaporated from that moment on.
I also remember sitting at the dining table over a big Sunday lunch (pot roast, the whole works) when I was about 15. My mom: "you sure you don't want a glass of wine with that?"
Happy Birthday to your mom!
What a completely awesome mom. I love her.
Happy Birthday, Alice's Mom!
Happy birthday, Alice's mom!
I'm choosing to interpret #68 as meaning that you agree with me: "blogs" are containers for "posts." I hate it when people call individual posts "blogs" - how confusing is that?
Happy Birthday, Alice's mom! My own mother was never much for pronouncements. Once in high school, I allowed her to read my journal. It was a big step, letting someone see my innermost thoughts. She read it quietly. After she finished, she looked at me for a moment, composing her thoughts, and said, "Why ... do you have to be so wierd?"
Happy birthday, Alice's mom! I think you might be even funnier than Alice. How? What a feat! (without cysts, even!)
Wow. I'm green with envy. Your Mom has life nailed down to a "t". Unfortunately, with advice like that, you have no excuse for any bad judgement or bad hair/skin/shoe/clothing days.
My mom taught me to be punctual. Once, on the way to a doctor's appointment--my Mom hit a deer head on and totaled her car. She got out, pulled the dangling front bumper off, checked for leaking fluids under the car, dragged the dead deer through traffic to the side of the road, started the car--and when it ran--she went on to her appointment. She was 75 years old. She was on time to that appointment.
So, when leaving the house, I always try to leave enough time to total my car and drag a dead deer around. And, I try to channel her bad-ass-ed-ness. When I can.
If I could steal your mum I totally would, and as incentive I would offer pedicures and tell her she can dance with my dad all she wants (s'okay, my mum's cool with it) and he's quite honestly the best dancer in the world - even salsa. Then I would nicely ask her to write an advice book so I could read it and someday grow up to be as cool as that.
Happy Birthday!
-- is there an intermemey thing like LTRFTITMUIFC? There should be, because writing out Long Time Reader, First Time - I Think Maybe Unless I Forgot - Commenter is sort of a pain in the arse. --
What a great post! I've sent it along to a few friends who I'm sure will get the biggest smile, as I did. Happy birthday, Alice's Mom!
Happy birthday Alice's mom! Some of your words of wisdom are positively brilliant - here's to another 75 years of dancing.
Happy Birthday Mary!
My mother as she is mending the slit on yet another of my skirts - "if you would walk like a lady I sould have to keep doing this."
Happy Birthday! And its my birthday too! Yay 9/23!
Happy Birthday, Mrs. Mary Anne! I bet you are really proud to have that wonderful daughter Alice, as I bet your mother was so very proud to have you, those few years ago. Very awesome women seem to be a family thing. I think you sound like a lady I would love to hear give someone else a talking to - just please not me, I am too much in awe.
Alice, I LOVE your mom! Can I be adopted by her? I love her remarks especially #19. My mom died when I was 29 and she was just 56 yeard young. Too soon....
Have a happy birthday and MANY more!
Happy Birthday!
THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY SONG! IT ISN'T VERY LONG!
Happy, happy birthday!
I have a list of other people's mothers,* the truly hilarious ones who I would absolutely like to have over for a party. You are on my list.** If this ever happens, I'm sending you an invite.
* real thing
** not as sinister as it sounds, I promise
Happy birthday Ms. Mary Anne - that was a fabulous list of words to live by! Hope you have a great day!
Your mom sounds awesome.
Also, it's my birthday too. So we're birthday twins. Plus or minus about fifty years. Details, details.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICE'S MOM!
Happy birthday!! Sounds like a great woman. I tell people my mother died in a ski accident. She's alive, somewhere, but it's a nice fantasy I've thought up :)
Happy birthday Alice's mom! We love your daughter
My mom' wisdom of the day: never leave the house with dirty underwear
What a wonderful tribute to your mom; happy birthday to her and many many more!
Let's see...my mom, who died last year, in one of her last few weeks, told me "Don't apologize so much...you apologize for everything." Good advice, I believe, for most women!
ING DIRECT's Facebook Page is streaming their Times Square Billboard LIVE. Billboard is showcasing all the 'MONEY' photos uploaded to FB their page. Kinda cool! http://on.fb.me/qZGNwU
Wishing your Mom a happy, and more importantly, dewy birthday!
My own mother was a Mary Ann, who bitterly resented the absence of a terminal "e". Her contributions to this wonderful collection:
1. "Always consider the source."
2. "Green, red and purple is the best color combination."
3. "Never marry an Irishman." (We naturally were Irish.)
4. During my 20's, she breathlessly assumed that I'd been the victim in every featured accident on the ten o'clock news. I once asked why she had feared that I was a corpse fished from Lake Michigan: "Well, the foot was hanging, and the toes looked familiar."
These are all fabulous; Suzanne's punctual road-kill warrior in particular will stick with me.
Happy Birthday Alice's mom! I don't have a specific quote from my mom, but I will share with you my favorite thing she ever did. My freshman year of high school my mom registered me and filled out the required paperwork. My senior year I was checking out that paperwork and read that what she wrote for my emergency contact. "Call a priest." Sprained ankle? Upset stomach? Call Father Mike.
Happy birthday to your mom! Wishing her wonderful things today and throughout the year!
From my mom: "You got a TOE RING? [looks at my feet] *sigh* Well, if you're going to call attention to your feet, you'd better start shaving those toes!" And that's how it all started. ;^)
I couldn't resist being the 75th commenter! My mom said the same thing as #2 above, but her version is, "I gave you that low seat, and it is lovely. You should be proud of it, not like those women with nothing back there." Pause "But those small breasts? Those came from your father's side, I've got a nice chest."