Shirts on, America!
July 22, 2004By the imaginary power vested in me by the United States of America, I hereby declare Saturday, July 24th, to be National Put Your Shirt On Day.
This day is directed at men everywhere. Ladies, you can remove your shirts with abandon, although—do I have to say it?—even in states where it’s legal for women to sun our boobs in the park, we tend not to.
Or maybe you do. In which case, huzzah! Send pictures!
Where was I? Ah, yes.
WHEREAS men everywhere--the six-packed and the ones with the bellies hanging to their knees; the ones sunning their pelts of back hair and the others who clearly wax their entire upper body; the bony-shouldered and the fat-necked; the overly tanned and the pasty-white—apparently have no problem exposing their upper bodies to the general public;
WHEREAS they seem to think they look damn sexy, strutting their naked chests about, tucking their damp, sweaty t-shirts into a back pocket;
WHEREAS, and I don’t care how good a body you have, such a sight is desperately unsexy;
WHEREAS they have no ability to discern where it is appropriate to be topless (the beach, the privacy of your own home) and where it’s so, so wrong (the subway, the drugstore, in front of me);
WHEREAS I never, ever again want to accidentally brush up against the sweaty contours of some stranger’s back-fat because he doesn’t have the decency to keep a healthy distance away from other people (much less put his shirt on);
We, the disgusted, shall use July 24th to spread the word: PUT YOUR SHIRT ON.
To celebrate Put Your Shirt On day, any time we see a topless man parading his chest-hairs down the avenue, we shall point to him and shout, “PUT YOUR SHIRT ON!” He might take offense, true—but on the other hand, you might engage him in a fruitful dialogue about the unattractiveness of the unshirted. Maybe he’ll learn a little something. Maybe he’ll grow. Maybe he’ll PUT HIS DAMN SHIRT ON.
This Saturday, across this mighty land, there will be heard triumphant cries of Put Your Shirt On. And the Shirts shall be Put On. And it will be good.
Who’s with me?
Reader Comments (26)
I am going to go cut down a tree and put a shirt on it and we can all sit around it Saturday morning, uh, putting our shirts on.
:: christy ::
To be followed by wildly successful series of videos in the "Men Gone Tame" genre ...
On a related topic: having virtually passed out while on line waiting to order my lunch because certain individuals of the XY persuasion don't take this whole idea of 'bathing' too seriously, can we also line up a holiday named "It's Summer, It's Hot, B.O. Stinks, Get A Clue"?
I, too, believe that my son's shirtless belly is a blessing he chooses to bestow upon the general public.
Amen, amen, amen!
Buff men who think they look sexy without shirts are stupid.
Non-buff men who are brave enough to go shirtless are to be praised, but dressed promptly as well.
Overweight girls of youth (such as myself) need NOT wear clothes they break a sweat getting into, and need NOT wear bikinis, and need NOT go shirtless... ever. Wear clothes that fit you comfortably, that you like the looks of, that your mother likes you in, and that you don't have to adjust periodically during the day.
Underweight girls of youth need NOT wear clothes where others can see how much of an anorexic, bulemic, or "petit" person they really are. They need to wear clothes that fit them and cover them. They have a broad range of choices. Start wherever the budget lets you. If you can see arms and some upper chest, that's fine. But if we can see midriffs and lower backs, that's bad. BAD.
*sigh* I wish I were the fashion trend-setter. And I wish it was winter ALL THE TIME.
Finslippy Speaks, People Listen!
I other words, shirts could be had, all 'round.
I live in downtown Chicago and have yet to see one naked chest this summer except by the lake. However, the last time I hit Oak Street Beach, I spotted four adult males parading around in wet jockey-shorts worn in lieu of bathing suits.
Also, we have more than our fair share of pre-pubescent, Lolita-esque fleshpots, so perhaps that's how we compensate.
I guess every city has its cross to bear?
wow.
i'm suddenly so turned on.
If it's hot, then it makes sense (being careful of the sun) to wear what is comfortable for you in the heat. Don't let others dictate what to wear, it's a personal decision.
When I had yeast infections while nursing and the nipples weren't supposed to be damp and I was leaking everywhere I was allowed to go topless upstairs at MIL's house, at which point everyone was very careful and embarassed lest they see my topless self. But HE can parade about with IMPUNITY and no one cares! The injustice!!