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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Chicago Review Press

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Pretty Rambo: love him at your own risk.

My husband now believes that if I ever leave him, he will have a bevy of Pretty Rambo groupies lining up to audition as my replacement. So listen up, ladies: he may be funny and clever and bearded, but he has his dark side. To wit:

He’s a talented impersonator, but he will never impersonate on command. This is maddening. Try telling him to do his Christopher Walken when you’re out with friends. He will not.

He knows more about B- and C-list actors from the '60s to the '80s than you could imagine. He can tell you the entire professional biography of Blue-Uniformed Guy #4 in Episode 38 of Star Trek, and then he will. Sometimes you’ll be trying to sleep while he’s telling you. Imagine it.

Hope that he never gets pink eye in your lifetime. According to Scott, pink eye is the dreaded scourge of this and any century, the Worst Affliction Ever. Once, while we were watching television, Scott turned to me and said, “My eye itches.” Then he paused to rub his eye. “Wow, my eye really itches,” he said. Then I watched him as he continued: “My eye really itches. Now that I think of it, both eyes itch. [Pause for frantic blinking.] MY EYES REALLY ITCH. Shit! Shit! I have pink eye! Shit! I can’t believe this! [More rubbing and blinking and shouting] I have pink eye! This is terrible! Don’t laugh! My eyes really itch! [Pause]… wait, wait. I think it’s okay. [blinking] Maybe they’re just itchy. They’re… yeah, they’re okay. Whew. I really thought I had pink eye. [looks at me] What’s so funny?”

You have been warned.

Reader Comments (37)

Wow. Any desire I had to remarry just left me, all at once. How odd.

March 11, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMir
OK, but does he have the blueprints for the Enterprise, or make his pin codes all from Trek episodes or sob uncontrollably after that horrible movie with Picard's vampire son trying to kill him? Yes? OK. Dr Crusher would have given him a hypospray for that pinkeye.
March 11, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
last july my poor son,who was not quite 2,got the chicken pox, then just as he was well enough for us to go out in public again we had a convention to go 2 of the 3 day con he has a fever and starts throwing in the hotel on the way back to our room. i also notice this weird gunk in his eye. its the dreaded PINK EYE. i had no idea what it was cause i had never seen it before. when we got home snd got him to a doctor he had an ear infection and PINK EYE.

everytime before that if my son so much had sleep gunk in his eye my hubby was like OMG!!!ITS PINK EYE!!!. what is with silly men and pink eye???
March 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDianne
I'm saving up my comments because I've had stupider health-paranoia episodes since (Episode #37-- "Who Mourns for Bursitis"-- was a real chestnut), but I will say that I no longer do Walken because my Walken sucks lately; sounds like Tony Shalhoub with a sinus infection. I lost the love, I guess.

On the other hand, I probably do have some warp-core schematics lying around in the before-I-got-married box, and I did cry after the Picard-vampire movie, but it was because I knew I'd never get those two hours back.
March 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterScott
I don't even know what a blog is, but I do know that you are talking about MY NEPHEW! My FLESH and BLOOD!!!I am sooooo proud.
March 12, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAunt Gail
well hell. that made me want to jump him.
March 15, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterthe mighty jimbo
I'm sorry but the fact that he knows random facts about Star Trek makes him almost the perfect man.

Star Trek rules! And what's wrong with describing favorite Star Trek TNG episodes? I do it. I also like to read transcripts of virtual seasons of Buffy and Angel. Besides the transcripts of the actual episodes, there are fans who have created seasons for after the show ended. Do you know how cool this is?

What would make him perfect is if he agrees that Batman is the greatest Super Hero ever because he doesn't have super powers and has to rely on his genius and really cool gadgets.

Hi. My name is Dana. I'm a great big nerd. And suprisingly really, really single.
March 18, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
My husband does a great Tyrannasaurus impersonation. I am soooo proud.
March 26, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie
OK! I don't have a hubby like you girlz but I''m myself a husband of a beautiful smart girl and like you all she is proud of me for I'm very fit and smart.
December 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKane
My husband is neurotic about germs and disesases too. Ofcourse it doesn't help that he's a pharmacy student that has to learn about every germ and disease available in the universe. Every day he comes home from school with a new disease that he discovered he has. One day he has pink eye, the next a brain tumor, etc. The guy gets a pimple and thinks its genital warts and they're spreading across his body. Men are so paranoid. Maybe it's safe to have a guy that doesn't venture outside of espn world, for their sanity and ours!
December 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAngela
Okay I'm a little late to the party but I had to comment on husband paranoia. Two years ago I fell into a display at a bookstore that I was working at(yeah long story!) and had to go get X Rays to see if my ribs were broken. My husband had to meet me there and stayed in the waiting room until I was done. He knew what happened at that I was essentially all right. I was gone for 3 hours because they did a lot of tests--Xrays of multiple parts of my body, urinalysis, blood tests, etc then I had to wait for the specialist to read the results. All the while my husband doesn't know what is going on. I finally come out to meet him and his face is as white as a ghost. I said nothing was broken and that I was okay. The color returned to his face and I asked him what his problem was. His response? And I quote: "You know how sometimes you go in for Xrays and it turns out to be cancer? I was planning how we were going to make it through your chemo and that everything was going to be okay," Yeah. He had me off to the Mayo clinic because he thought my bones broke because of the CANCER and not the impact of my body against the display. Yes ladies. He's mine. I actually don't mind because at least he cares! :-)
January 4, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSamantha Jo Campen
Ooh, it's artistic spam. What is this: @x@? Boobs? A sign for anal sex? As in, X marks the spot? Balls with a severed penis?
August 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterVery Mom

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