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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Oh, and: Happy Birthday, Henry. | Main | Chemicals and me. »

Preschoolers can be fun!


Me (talking on phone): You sound terrible. Are you feeling all right?

Henry (looks alarmed, grabs for phone): Give me the phone.

Me: Mom, I think Henry wants to—

(Henry takes phone.)

Henry: What’s wrong? Is everything okay? (Pause.) Something’s wrong, what’s wrong? You’re okay? You’re fine? Okay. Okay, good.

(Hands phone to me.)

Henry: She’s okay.

Me: Glad to hear it.

Henry: Who was I just talking to?

Henry: What’s that?

Me: This? It’s, um, a tampon.

Henry: What do you do with it?

Me: Hmm. Well. What do you want for lunch?

Henry: You’re bleeding. You’re hurt.

Me: I’m not ready for this.

Henry: What? You’re not ready for what?

Me: Hey, let’s go to the toy store!

Henry: What a good idea! (Pause.) But first we have to bring you to the hospital.


Reader Comments (41)

The answer, in case it comes up again, is:

"That's something grownups use to help keeptheir panties clean."

Good luck with the blood thing though.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
This post seems to pair well with the previous one titled "Chemicals and Me". Could there be a connection? :-)
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercagey
Oh the tampon conversation! Ack! I always just say, "Hey, look over there!" and shove it in when her head is turned.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEulallia
Uh... "the tampon conversation"?? Why in the heck is a bloody tampon visible (and god knows what else) so "the tampon conversation" is necessary? I know, guys just don't understand, right?
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDave
No way did he say "Who was I just talking to?"!! Henry is hilarious.

Man, I wish I could be taken to the hospital today due to "time to use tampons," because having cramps while in a busy office is no fun.

Keep me updated on the drug-stopping symptoms. I have experienced the "brain shocks" a few times (from missing a pill? I have no idea) so I know a little tiny bit about what you're facing.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdebl
Seriously, Henry is my hero.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
God, I love your kid. I am just rolling over here and my office thinks I'm nuts (nothing new).

My nephew is talking but not quite like Henry yet. He's at the "What is this thing that I'm pointing at?" stage. Last time I saw him it was:

Josh: This (pointing at my sister's breast)?Kari: That's Mommy's boob.Josh: Boob! Boob. Boob. BOOB.

How do they know that's not the word you want them to keep repeating? How?
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
Hee hee! I LOVE Henry! First you can't wait for them to learn to talk, then you can't believe what comes out of their mouths.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth
What a compassionate little fellow! I just love him.

Don't you love how they steadfastly refuse to be redirected when you really, really need them to be redirected?
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterbuffi
My 5 yr old always just used them as drumsticks. Of course that was with his father's encouragement.Uh, Dave - to put it simply - children follow their mommies into the bathroom. Even if you lock the door during that certain time of the month when you're in there, they'll still find them at some point. They cannot be both convenient to the toilet but also out of the reach of the children at the same time.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKellyr2
You know sometimes when I hang up the phone I ask myself who I was talking to, too. I thought I was just getting old, but now I am thinking that it is my youthfulness coming through. Yeah, I am so going with the youthfulness.

Also, with the period thing, since I have three boys that never sensed my need for privacy either, I just them only mommies do that sometimes when they don't have a baby in their tummy. They were so relieved just to know it wouldn't happen to them.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterclickmom
He's precious :) What a hero
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDD
Today my three-year-old asked why poop doesn't come out of his penis.

I swear it would have been easier to explain the tampon.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSusan
you could have tried overload of info, too. explaining it, in fact using a lot of super technical language, until he zoned out and said "let's go to the toy store!" Or, "hey, that person? that person on the phone? that I didn't know? let's get her back!"

Or, you know. You could not take advice from childless wonder over here. But I have to say, the more i read about babies, the more i think, man, kids are smart. It's too bad we get all censored when we hit 5 or 6, or whenever that happens. Cos the world would be so much more interesting if grownups talked like this.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlis
is it too early for us to start planning the arranged marriage of henry and mina? because he's who i want her to grow up and marry. ok?
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersweetney
"Me: Hey, let’s go to the toy store!Henry: What a good idea! (Pause.) But first we have to bring you to the hospital."

LOL!! That's terrific. He would take his bleeding mother to the hospital *before* going to the toy store.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterShevon
That is the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMoose
I heart Henry.

My kids would've been all "Toy store? Excellent! If you die on the way there or something we can still go, right?"
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMir
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
My god Henry is so sweet. Oh, and Susan's comment made seltzer go through my nose. When will i learn to put the liquids down while reading your blog?
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLetterB
We always tried to use the zoo on my sister so my parents wouldn't find out what we were talking about...Toy store's a good one but then don't you have to go there?
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMiel
i am torn between adoring henry for his compassion and adoring you for typing so beautifully while you blush, or possibly wince. i will adore you both equally until i can make a choice.
October 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranne
the tampon issue. i always thought i would just be frank with my children when they asked questions that would stump other parents. i was so above being stumped. a four year old boy swinging an open (clean) tampon around like a lasso and asking what it's four? that stopped me in my tracks. because if he knew he would a) worry about me and b) talk about it with every single person he saw from that day forward.

answer not provided. fancy side stepping employed.
October 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterhonestyrain
Note to Dave - this is what happens when Dad is at work and Mom has to use the bathroom with toddler/preschoolers around!!I was recently at a workshop in a small group with two teens and a male teacher and we had to answer a series of questions as an ice breaking exercise. One of the questions was "Name a time recently when you lied." Of course I thought about my kids and awkward situations like the one you just described. As I tried to explain this to the teens and the Man, they just looked at me like I was the worst parent on earth! I'm not, I swear! I may be fair to middling, but I am so not the worst!
October 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterChris
Classic kid moment. Henry is one funny kiddo! Do you just want to give him a big squeeze when he says things like that, or what? Adorable.
October 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJessie

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