Plus it sounds like the Globetrotters are really phoning it in these days
October 1, 2012My son's school held an assembly about bullying the other day, and this, from what I could cobble together during our conversation, is how it went. Needless to say, I am concerned. What kind of school am I sending him to?!
In the classroom.
Teacher [rousing himself from his desk nap]: Time for an assembly about bullying. Everyone line up 50 times and I'll decide which was the best one and make you do that one. I only pretend to be nice when grown-ups are around.
Teacher [to himself]: Henry was the only one who did it right, if I'm being honest with myself, but I will never tell him that.
In the auditorium.
Principal: Look, here's some guy who will tell you not to bully. He is from Harlem. He is a Harlem Globe Something.
Guy [holding basketball, being tall] Don't bully. I don't know why, but don't. By the way, I play basketball. I am very very very famous.
[He dribbles the ball across the stage for like an hour while the audience sits in silence.]
Guy: I'm going to ask someone to come up here with me. You.
Girl in audience: Me?
Guy: Yes.
Girl: Okay.
Guy: Here's how to dribble a ball. [Watches her for a few awkward minutes.] No, you don't do it right. isn't that right, everyone? Don't bully.
Girl: Oh. [Gets off stage.]
Guy: If you bully me, I will bounce my basketball on you. Off of you? Whatever. I am still famous. Don't bully, the end. [He wanders off.]
Principal: That was the most fun assembly we will ever have. Okay you can leave now. Go.
Teacher [to his class]: Now we'll go back to the classroom and sit with our hands folded until it's time to leave. Your parents think we are teaching you! P.S. Your homework today will be extra long and it will include things I never explained.
Reader Comments (46)
That's funny, because that same Globetrotter came to my school and all this happened exactly as you described. And I'm 31. Maybe Henry just went to school in 1992.
Is "Shawn" Meadowlark Lemon's real name?
I realize that Shawn's post was completely rude and inappropriate, and I love the responses to his comment. Everyone managed to keep their humor and make light of it. I have to admit though the main reason I am here to read Shawn's delightful insight was his use of "an delusional".
Scanning through my feed, among all of the abbreviations and incomplete thoughts, those two words jumped out at me like... nails on a chalkboard, a fart in an elevator, a chainsaw wielding clown on Halloween...
Of course I do also worry about what this says about me.
Shawn must be the captain of the Washington Generals.
You guys are cracking me up.
But seriously, can we get back to talking about how funny *I* am?
Will do, Alice. As soon as I get the phrase "parochial twat" out of my head. I am thinking of starting a band just so I can paste it on to telephone poles.
I wish I could favorite a comment, Jessica. How I wish.
I prefer to think of myself as a sophisticated, debonair twat.
Oh, God, this whole thing is the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. I first clicked on the comments to tell you how much the post itself made me laugh, then I got to Shawn's comment and now the responses (the THESAURUS, OH MY GOD) and now I'm kind of cry-laughing. Alice, you are damn funny, and you attract some damn funny people.
Perhaps he meant "andalusian cunt." Un Vagin Andalou?
I AM FAVORITING ALL OF THESE COMMENTS in my mind.
I came to the comments to say how funny I thought this post was... then I read the comments and can't stop laughing... You can't make this stuff up, it's so good!
Ha! This is fabulous! I think this troll has been out-smarted, quite literally.
This was genius. Especially the Teacher's concluding quote. Completely hilarious.
See, I teach junior high and have to go over EVERY DAY with my students the importance of answering their parents' questions about school with either "Nuthin'" or "I dunno". That way they never accidentally tell about my desk naps or the amount of the day they spend sitting with their hands folded. (Most of the day)
LOVED THIS POST!
What's that expression? If you will believe 2/3 of what your child says to you about me if I believe 2/3's of what your child says about you?
Still a funny post. Don't remember our assemblies as being that bad but it's been a long time since I was a kid!
Loved this. I remember these assemblies and the lining up required. I was already laughing, but then I read the comments. Thank you, Shawn, whoever you are.
I want to be as funny as Alice and her commenters.
Ok, I was going to state my surprise that my kid also has the very same teacher, who cleverly pretends kindness in the presence of adults. But then the comments. Well, you guys are way funnier than me.
Ok Alice, admit it, You are actually posing as Shawn and left those comments!
This is why I homeschool my kid (among other things)...