Only

We're walking home from school.

"I was thinking," Henry says. "I was thinking it would be good to have a little brother."

I can't help but picture it. Henry holding a little boy's hand, guiding him as he toddles down the sidewalk next to us. He would have been such an excellent big brother.

"Or a sister," he says. "Yeah, actually? I think I want a sister. Because I like the girls I'm related to. So I think if I had a sister, I would like that."

I am murmuring noncommittally. "Huh!"I say. "Hmm!"

"So," he adds, looking at me, "can I get one?"

"I don't think it's in the cards for us, sweetie," I finally say.

"What does that mean, in the cards?"

"It means I don't think it's going to happen."

"That's okay," he says quickly. "That's fine. I was just thinking. "

I try to point out the advantages of being an only child. The quality time with us. He does not appear convinced.

"It could be fun, though," he says.

"Yes," I agree. "It could be."

*

When we made the move back to the city from the suburbs, part of it was because we realized we weren't going to try again. There are so many reasons, and if I give them, I'm afraid someone's going to pop up in the comments to argue that our reasons aren't good enough. "Oh, you can still have a second even if X!" this imaginary person might say. "My precious miracle came about even though we also thought Y and Z and you might be the same way so keep on trying!"

No. It's not going to happen.

And I am sorry. I am. It's so much more satisfying for everyone else, to have a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage. It's expected. You keep on trying, and then eventually you get pregnant and it all works out and the miscarriage becomes an unfortunate blip in your otherwise upbeat narrative. I realize that this is kind of a bummer.

*

Henry hasn't asked about a sibling for a long, long while--long before I had the miscarriage. It's interesting that it's come up for him now, just as my essay appeared in The Sun and I've been sort of overwhelmed by the feelings stirred up by the publication and its response.

I have to admit, I feel a little strange about all these Sun readers emailing me, responding as if I still feel the pain of the miscarriage as acutely as I did back when the essay was written. I wrote it well over a year ago, and when I finished, I felt like I had exorcised something. I exorcised it and saved it in a Word file and then I was free. And now all these people are expressing their sympathy, when that pain has dulled to an occasional ache, and I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Like I need to tell them they've made a mistake.

Then as I'm responding to them, something bursts open. All that pain I thought I had purged, that deep, awful well. It's right there, and I want to scream. Then I want to thank all these people who wrote to me, because part of me was afraid it was gone. Nope, still there. I still miss that baby I thought I was going to have. That baby who would have been one year old just a couple of weeks ago.

So many people writing to me want me to know about the children they had after their miscarriages. The happy endings they wish for me. I know they're hoping to make me feel better, I get that, but all I can think is, there won't be a second for me. And then I think: because I'm too selfish.

I am ashamed. Because I've made a decision, and at the heart of it, I made it for me. Scott and I made it for us. And for Henry, but who can really say what's best for him, at this point? I'm afraid we're doing Henry a disservice. That we're leaving him alone as we get older and more helpless, that we're depriving him of a soulmate and ally, someone to build forts with or whatever else I imagine he'd do with a sibling when I'm really beating myself up over my decision.

I wonder if he'll forgive us. I wonder if he'll hate us for it. I wonder if he'll be glad.

Of course I know, rationally, that only children can be happy and successful. I know that Henry's happy and well-adjusted and loved beyond measure. I do.

But it keeps coming up. They think I'm selfish, I think, when other parents ask me if Henry is an "only." Stingy. Not willing to spread myself just a little too thin. I want to give them my reasons. My very good, well-considered reasons. But I'm afraid they'd argue that those reasons aren't enough.

Henry is not an only, I want to say. Henry is enough. Can't that be the question? "So, was Henry enough for you?" I could confirm that without a trace of shame.

Just look at him, I could say.

Look at my boy. Look at all that I have.

Comments

[hillary]

I get it. My husband and I are still trying after two miscarriages, but we won't try forever. And we often look at our daughter, and then at each other, and say, "She's enough for us," or "We love our family the way it is."

[Valorie]

My son an "only," and I knew from the start he would be. I will always be eternally grateful that I was blessed enough to be his mother. You are a great mom Alice, and it is all good. Truly. Henry, like you, is amazing. (Dad too!) You have changed the world. Henry will too. It is enough. Smooches!

[Liz]

I am an only. I have never had a moment of sadness or longing about it. My husband is an only. He, too, spent his childhood (and adulthood) perfectly content. Our son will be an only (we were able to do one round of IVF & he was the result). Although I don't know for sure that he'll be happy in his oneness, personal experience says he will. I'm so sad that you're sad. I hope it gets easier.

[Catherine Seiner]

everyone starting asking me when I was going to try for my second child - when my first was about 7 weeks old.The thought made my heart race and still does.Is it ok for ME to not want to talk about that with others? Every time I do they tell me why my reasons aren't ok and I should do it anyway - as if they know anything about me and my ability to deal with stress. I've been told to say " I'm not comfortable talking about that "and I cannot WAIT until someone steps over that line so I can SAY that. But I actually still feel like maybe i'm wrong for only wanting one. And I want desperately to feel strong in my conviction about what ever I decide.Thank you for saying all of this out loud. you are courageous.

[cee]

He may be an "only," but he lacks for nothing. Because he has parents like you.

[Michele]

Thank you, Alice. I don't have much to add to the rest of the folks above, but it's an issue I also struggle with. Sometimes I feel like I "have to" have another kid (societal pressures? I don't know) but really, at the heart of it I'm okay with our family of three. And I look at my friend who has a five year old and a one year old and how exhausted and out of her head she is half the time, and that just doesn't seem like much fun.

[Sara]

I miscarried on Tuesday December 16th, 2008, a day that marked my twelfth week of pregnancy. I am now 14 weeks pregnant. To be honest, this pregnancy is plagued with worry and anxiousness and doutbt. I'm scared. What if we made the wrong choice when deciding to try again? What if something is wrong with this baby? Punishment perhaps for our greediness. We have two healthy children already, after all. "Oh, this is your third baby?" people ask, and I nod, thinking "No,no, it's my fourth" but I stay silent, as if the miscarriage never happened at all. I want to hold that baby. Miscarriage is so silent and powerful and so, alone. It is beautiful and sometimes heart breaking to be someone's Mother. Thank you for opening up this door.

[Sarah]

Thanks for this post. I am an only, I have two boys and recently miscarried my third at 7 weeks. Nobody but you can make decisions about the shape of your family. I was happy, am happy, as an only- but I have a gut feeling that we're a family of five. Having said that- I won't try forever and if I have another miscarriage (if and when I get pregnant again) I won't be setting myself up for a third.

[Melissa C]

Beautifully, perfectly said.

And, if I may inject a bit of levity into the discussion...I'm an only. When my parents discussed having another, the now-famous quote from my dad was, "Melissa satisfies my need to be a parent." I know he meant it from the same place where you are - I was enough. But my family loves to say it might've been because I was a tad *ahem* high maintenance.

Love to you and your beautiful family.

[Trish]

As everyone else has said, this was beautiful. I'm an only and while it sucked sometimes not having someone to play with on a rainy day or when your "friends" are being typical moody kids, I loved (and still do love) being an only. Even though I thought I wanted a brother, I saw the "torture" my cousins went through with older siblings picking on them all the time. Ha, makes me even happier that I'm an only.

Also? I really lucked out and got the best sister in law ever and I think because I didn't have personal experience of what sisters are like to each, we are so close to each other. We're 11 years apart but so close.

Henry is enough. I wish we had a Henry in our brood =0) You don't worry about what others say, except us, because we love you!!

[edj]

This was so beautiful!

And please don't assume people are thinking "How selfish" when they hear you "only" have one child. I have 3 children and when I meet people with one, I accept that. I know that families make choices that work for them, and that I don't know what they are and why they made them. (That's if I think about it at all!) You don't know why I had 3 in 20 months either, although I bet you can guess why I stopped after that ;)

Also, if you had another, they would still ask for a 3rd. If it was a girl, he'd want another brother. If it was a boy, they'd want a sister. This is life. Don't let it worry you. Just keep knowing he's "enough," not "only."

[Sarah]

The only purpose of my comment is to say that I'm just here, reading, listening.

[Hitmom]

Thank you so much. I'm so thankful that you're able to write about your experience, you perfectly express all the feelings my husband and I have been having. Thanks for being willing to share your feelings.

[Emily]

Alice, I've never commented before but your post really touched me. As my husband and I enter our 3rd year of infertility (and all of the tests and treatments that come with it), all I can think is that if we are able to have one, that will be it because we cannot go through it all again. It was comforting to read your words.

[Momfever]

Such a beautiful post... I loved reading this.

[Sandee]

The only thing worse than being an only is being nothing at all. I would have loved to have had an only but I have none.

[Candace]

Thank you for this. My son is an only child. We had mostly decided not to have more children, then I had cancer and now we can't have more. I have three sisters that I love very much and I worry about whether our home is too quiet, too calm, too empty for a child. But this is not something I ever want to discuss with strangers who ask if he's an only child and then frown and say I might change my mind, or maybe I'll be "surprised". I try to smile and say "Well, he's my one and only".

[Kristin Steiner]

Lovely. Thank you.

@BeingSuper

[Angela in Ontario]

I am an only child. I don't know why my parents didn't have more children, I have never asked. I do know that when someone asked my dad why they never had more children he responded "We got it right the first time." You let your Henry know he's enough, that you got it right the first time. He'll treasure it, trust me.

[MsCellania]

I think one of the best expressions to sum up your family's feelings could be:

"Just One and We're Done"

I have friends with Just One and it's a perfect fit for them. I will say it's a more difficult parenting route as the parents are then the entertainment, teacher, friend, etc v. delegating that to a sibling at times.

But I also think that every child who is a sibling dreams of what life would be like as an Only.

[Kate]

I'm the oldest of three children.

I have never felt fulfilled by my siblings. I haven't gotten along with, or fit in with, or felt attached to either of them. We didn't build forts, we fought. We didn't protect each other, we protected ourselves from each other. There were no alliegances against the world, just alliegances against one another. And my entire childhood, I asked my parents why they did that to me. Why they gave me my siblings because I have felt alienated by them and because of them my entire life. I'm smart and I'm funny and I'm talented, I'm devoted and determined and special, I wanted to scream at them, and all I've felt my entire life is that I'm in a screaming match with two louder voices for your attention, affection, and love.

I'm twenty-five years old now and all I have wanted to be my entire life was enough for my parents.

Henry might, right now, wonder about your decision. You might, right now, wonder about your decision. I think that's absolutely natural. But you are going to, in twenty years, have a son who will have never doubted your love.

I wish I had that, instead of siblings.

[aimee greeblemonkey]

I absolutely see all sides of your thought process, although of course only you can know what you are going through. Our very best friends just adopted after suffering two miscarriages and that journey of emotion was so overwhelming, even for me as an outsider. And for us, our son Declan who is very close to your son's age, is an only. We made our decision quite a while ago so we went through all that pressure and self doubt and are at a place where there are less questions now - but I hear you, it's hard. And of course, now that our BF's have their son, who is Declan's defacto little brother, I stop and wonder again. But I know I made the right decision for my family, selfish or not, and we'll weather the storm. So will you, Alice. All the best, Aimee.

[Cara]

We're pregnant with our first right now. I always assumed we'd have more than one, but for a lot of complicated reasons I'm not sure if that will be in the cards for us either. But, for us and for my reasons, that doesn't actually rule out the possibility of raising another child I work in child welfare, and I know very well how many children need loving families. I won't be one of hundreds to line up for the caucasian newborn. We might, though, choose to adopt a child that will have a harder time finding a family. Actually, my husband votes for doing so even if we do have multiple bio children. (I am NOT suggesting that this would suit you or your reason. You just struck a cord with me about my own life and decisions.)

[Maureen@IslandRoar]

Beautifully said. not "only;" "Enough."

[Stacey]

Your reasons, whatever they are, are more than enough.

I just want to commend you for doing what's best for you, your marriage, and your family. That is the best that anyone can do.