On Crossfit and facing your fears (or not)
May 9, 2011This is going to be a long and rambling post but hell, you can skim it, or not even read it at all, if it comes to that. Right? Right. Whatever you decide, I hope you're comfortably seated, or standing, or maybe even lying flat on your back, with a screen hovering above you. Do you have one of those futuristic Hover-Screens™? So great.
I know some of you have been wondering how my mood is, and let me tell you! Just eechhh. Isn't that cheerful? Isn't that a happy sound? I actually took one of those online depression questionnaires today, and the result came back OH DEAR. And this is about 90% better than I WAS, so, well, you can imagine!
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in two days, and I intend to give him a piece of my mind. My not-happy mind! I'm going to be all, "See here, good man, why am I not yet whistling a happy tune?"
I'll let you know how that pans out.
Until then, here's what happened today. Today I completed my Crossfit Foundations course. In case you're not familiar with Crossfit, it's one of those bootcamp-ish, lift-heavy-things-and-run-'til-you-puke workout places. People seem to obsessively love it, so I signed up for the Foundations course, in which you learn, duh, the foundations. This is supposed to lead you seamlessly into the regular group workout classes. Which I was a little scared of, to be honest, because I felt like I was perhaps less than ready for such a thing.
My feelings of incompetence despite completing the course surprised me, as I have been steadily and faithfully gym-going for the past two years--and also they didn't surprise me, as I have held the conviction all along that I'm still fundamentally weak and uncoordinated. This is a feeling that goes back as far as I can remember. I have never felt like I had any natural skill at moving my body through space.
Not only do I persist in believing this, it's also a belief that carries with it a huge amount of humiliation and shame. I seem to seek out activities that are going to poke me right in this incredibly sore spot, either because I'm trying to move past it and improve or because I'm looking for validation that I am a hopeless weakling and klutz.
I took kung fu until the instructor singled me out in class for my terrible form.
I took belly dancing until the instructor singled me out for awkwardness and general unsexiness (my terms, not hers).
I practiced yoga until one instructor spent the entire session adjusting me and asking loudly if I had some kind of severe injury that made me move that way.
I get it: I'm not flexible. But I keep giving up on these activities because I'm convinced that I'm not going to get any more flexible. And then I try something else, until I'm humiliated and I run away. And so on.
So even with my regular strength training, I had hit something of a plateau, because of the above inflexibility. That's when I decided to try out Crossfit. I have no idea why. Masochism? I actually thought the intro course was interesting, if intimidating and hard as hell. I thought I was making progress, although I know my instructor was concerned about my mobility issues.
By the way, there's another course, one that people who are not quite ready for the group classes can take, called "On Ramp." I had a feeling he'd tell me I should take this before I went to the group classes. THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.
Instead, he told me that because of my mobility issues, he wants me to take 10-20 private sessions, then go to On Ramp, and then maybe I'd be ready for group classes. He wants me to work on my mobility issues, and he's worried that if I can't get proper form in some of the stances, I'll just injure myself and give up. Which he does not want me to do. Reasonable, right? So reasonable!
I will tell you, I wanted to die of humiliation, when he told me this. It was yoga all over again. And belly dancing. And oh, lord, kung fu. Once again, I was being assigned to Remedial Gym.
(Did I ever tell you how I had to take Remedial Gym in high school? Yep. Just soak that in, for a moment. REMEDIAL GYM. It's no wonder I have all of these goddamn issues.)
So now I have a choice to make: do I go for private sessions? Or do I give up?
Part of me wants to forge ahead. I've made some progress, and I've seen how far it is that I need to go. The worst that happens is after the set of private sessions, I decide I don't want to do it.
But part of me is wondering, why do I put myself in these situations, again and again, where I'm just left feeling terrible about myself? What am I in it for? Yes, I'd like to be in better shape. Yes, I'd like to feel strong and capable and coordinated. But surely there are ways of doing this that won't leave me just feeling awful?
Another factor is, of course, my brain chemistry, which is all off-kilter at the moment. Maybe once my serotonin is re-uptaking or not re-uptaking or WHATEVER I'll feel a little more confident in what Mr. Crossfit Coach is telling me.
Right now I only want to curl up under some blankets. This might not the best long-term approach for general fitness, but on the other hand the blankets are warm and soft and almost never mention my "mobility issues."
I'm throwing it to you, my beloved readers: what do you think? Crossfit? Something else? Or the blankets?
(And by the way: I don't question my instructor/coach's motives at
Reader Comments (118)
As someone who has struggled with both weight and depression for as long as I can remember this post really hit home. I think I have finally found something that works for me (Loseit.com and the c25k program, for what it is worth) but what I've realized is that, for me at least, the changes needed to be 1)small and 2) make me feel good in order for me to stick with them. My dieting/exercise efforts in the past have been extreme and, almost, a way to punish myself. I hated my weight and weakness and I would push myself until I was injured and starving and then I would give up. This time around I've found something I can do and I'm finally coming at it from a place of respect for my body and an attempt to feel better/like myself more. If what you're doing to make yourself healthier is embarassing you or making you feel bad about yourself then it isn't working and I see no point in causing yourself further physical/emotional discomfort when there are lots of other options. I firmly believe that there will be something you will enjoy and be successful at and that you just need to keep looking until you find what works for you. Good luck!
Oh, my dear, I totally hear you. I keep waffling on whether or not to go to Water Aerobics tonight because my head hurts and it gives me shin splints plus I feel awful depressed because my zero insurance situation meant zero meds for a week and I turned 43 and feel hopeless and THEN just for fun a regular commenter on my blog yelled at me for being whiny.
This all sucks. And I have to suck up and go see my doc too, even though it costs roughly a million dollars without insurance and all our cash is tied up in getting my house ready for my mom to move in AWESOMESAUCE.
Whew. Sorry. What were we talking about?
Yes, oh yes. Take the class. Or take private yoga from an instructor willing to work with you on your flexibility and isn't an asshole. :D
If you like curling up in blankets, maybe, um... er.... (trying desperately to think of a sport that involves blanket-curling... failing)... walking? Walking is good!
Kung fu is perhaps not the best choice for someone who doesn't feel coordinated, what with being insanely difficult and requiring extreme coordination. T'ai chi might be better... especially because the *goal* is to do it as slowly as possible.
The only way I get through some things is to embrace my inner klutz, to deliberate start various things with the knowledge that I WILL SUCK. And it is right that I suck. It took me about 3 years to get good at Chinese Kenpo (karate), and I quit at 3.5. I did partner dancing (because add the humiliation of trying to get partners when you're old and fat to the humiliation of being arhythmic and uncoordinated -- woo HOO) and kept trying NEW dances so I could CONTINUE TO SUCK.
I did this on purpose. And actually enjoyed it. It's embracing the sucktatude... lowering my own expectations (even further).
That's me. You? Whatever works for you is good. Strength training seems to be working.
How about sailing? Sails are almost like blankets. Except, y'know, not soft and not comfy and not curl-uppable.
Aw fukkit. Acrobatic sex?
Oh lord, as awful as it sounds, I wish my high school offered remedial gym. Regular gym was the worst.
I also suffer from mobility/coordination issues. For instance, I'm on a hiatus from yoga because I strained my arm in a Basics class that I took even though I've taken yoga many, many times.
Also, I twisted my ankle yesterday when my brother's 40 1b beagle stepped on my foot and I struggled to break free.
Advice? I don't have any. But you are NOT alone. :)
Here's the thing I can tell you, having been where you are, the thing that I learned that was most freeing for me. (Of course, your mileage may vary.)
And that is: it's okay to suck at this stuff. It's not a competition. Even if instructors try to imply that it is, it's not. They have a job to do, and part of their job (they believe) is sales -- selling everyone on the notion that they have to keep getting better! All! The! Time! and reaching some magical goal that they can see but (conveniently, of course), you cannot.
And the thing is, when you look back on this 20 years from now, you're going to wonder why on earth you gave people you don't really know and don't really care about power in your life.
Go be funky. Go be awkwardly lacking in mobility skills. Go be *you*. Just go and do it, if you want to try. Keep moving, somehow, some way, so that your body stays as healthy as it can be, but most of all, enjoy being in your own skin. You are the only one of you that there is, and that is more than enough.
At 48, I am finally learning these things. And enjoying the hell out of life. I wish I had incorporated these things earlier. It's not easy--it's something you might have to keep reminding yourself about until it's habit, but honestly? You. Are. Enough. Just. The. Way. You. Are. You only need to move and do things in order to stay healthy.
I am right there with you. As I have gotten older, it has only gotten worse. Serious motor planning issues. I only encourage you to be gentle with yourself. I like that your trainer is trying to protect you from injury instead of one of those who say, it's for everyone!, just go at your own pace!! If you can afford the sessions, I would do it. Think about what you would do for your kid. You would encourage, you would provide opportunities to challenge and support the issue on a regular basis. Coordination/motor planning is an issue that *does* improve with repetition and focus on specific movements. Neural pathways are strengthened the more you practice. It starts as a bushwacking through the woods, then it's a dirt path, then crushed gravel, then a country lane. Before long, it's a well traveled highway. I am as uncoordinated as they come and carry a lot of shame around it. I have found that exercising in the pool in water aerobics classes and way more intense water fitness classes (resistance, cardio and core) to be the bridge to getting me out of the chair. The water feels supportive and I feel like I can "hide" somewhat as I try to figure out why my limbs won't do what everyone manages to do easily. Be gentle. Be brave. You deserve it.
I got a massage this weekend and woke up with sore muscles so I figured that was exercise, right? I recommend more massages. And many self-imposed rewards along the way.
Toni: sniff! Thank you!
Oh, hey, I think you are talking about my gym! If so, I vote a million times for continuing, particularly if you want to improve the mobility stuff. It's definitely challenging, but the coaches really are on your side (unlike with some other things I've tried) and so are the other attendees - it's a great, supportive, non-competitive community. And the results are amazing. In fact, I have far too many positive things to say about it to list here, but feel free to email if you want more.
You are SO brave for sharing this, and for plugging away at these classes.
I say go for the personal sessions and get past the hurdles!
Do it, Alice! I do a similar training as Crossfit, and though it has taken me a while to feel comfortable in my skin, and good about my performance in class, IT IS SO TOTALLY WORTH IT. SO VERY TOTALLY. I'm addicted to fitness. And strong like bull! I jerked a 92lb barbell today. It was awesome and sexy. Face your fears!
(long time reader, very rare commenter)
I say, blankets for a day, maybe two. Then, go for the Crossfit private lessons. After that, reassess. You're trying your best at a healthy activity so why not?
Your body may not bend and flex the way you want it to, but your range of motion and ability as a writer are so strong that they move us, your readers. We're not all built to be sporty. So what?
You could always invent your own style of sport/exercise that works according to how your body moves. Then, when it becomes the trendiest activity out there, you can point out the weakness of all those super agile and elastic yoga/kung-fu/belly dancing people. ;-)
Most importantly, I hope your eechhh-ness soon goes and the sun starts to shine brightly again.
OK, here's my suggestion.
There are SO MANY activities that don't fall into the super competitive, you suck at this so you'll know it is worthwhile category. You might want to look for an activity with more consistent, reachable goals. c25k was great for me. Every day I was really able to do it, find it hard and also feel like a badass when I was done. This in marked contrast to when I was going to a super fancy gym here in L.A. and attempting to keep up with these mega bootcamp classes that gave me awful 4th grade gym class flashbacks and occasionally sent me straight to Baskin Robbins on the way home (my version of blankets, alas).
Keep looking for something that makes you feel kick ass rather than lame (I'm doing stand up paddleboarding of late, which is awesome, though I fear perhaps not super compatible with Brooklyn-dwelling). It feels great to get exercise doing something joyful so keep looking!
Blankets! For now. Then, if it seems like a good time, Crossfit. It sounds like you might benefit from some physical therapy. And I don't mean that to sound like yet another person sending you to remedial gym. I've read about these kinds of large motor issues and it's probably nothing you're doing wrong, just, you know, the wiring and PT can really help with that stuff. Your problem sounds familiar . . . I'm so uncoordinated that I've actually closed my own head in the car door before - twice. But I'm good at other stuff, and so are you.
I started to type out a response to this, and it got unreasonably long. So I made it into a blog post:
http://ironmom.blogspot.com/2011/05/your-incredible-power-to-change.html
The short answer: I KNOW that if you pick one thing, something you enjoy, and an instructor you trust, and stick with it, that you really can transform yourself. On my blog, I shared my son's story, he was born with more than a few issues that he had to oversome. I hope it can help you see the power that you have within you. My heart goes out to you. Many hugs!
Absolutely -- having a coach you like and having already seen that you've improved some and then being offered individualized training? It really could be a big win -- not being in a class that's geared at everyone, but one geared exactly at you? Perfect. And as you start to feel better, it'll seem great to you, rather than as a continuation of the old patterns.
Classes are fine, they're great when they're aimed at you in a general way, but when they aren't aimed at you they can actually make things worse (and I think that's what kept happening to you).
So, I'd say go for it. At least the exercising and the hanging out with someone who has you and only you as their concern for that time can't hurt, even if you only end up slightly more mobile. You're smart and funny and all sorts of good things, nobody has to be great at everything, and smart and funny is really a lot more appealing in general than "I can do more push-ups than you can."
Yes, well, when I was six I was invited to karate by one of my male first-grade compatriots. I had to use the bathroom, and I persistently raised my hand during the warm ups, but the instructor kept saying "Hold on, just a minute, we're almost done!" And then—while we were putting our legs straight up in the air, supporting our backs with our little hands—I peed. my. gi.
Since then I've not been much of a fan of group fitness. Or fitness, generally.
I am just now coming out of an almost 3 year long "depression lite" as I refer to it - I have been in a kind of haze ever since my mum was diagnosed with cancer and then passed away 9 months after. One of the lovely side-effects was packing on about 35 pounds and going up 4 dress sizes. Good times. Anyhow, I decided in February that enough was enough and so I hired a personal trainer and am learning how to run. I have never been able to run more than a block at a time and have always felt like a lesser person for it. Turns out I have been doing it all wrong. Huh, who knew you could run WRONG? SO now I am doing it right and wow, what a difference - no serious pain, it's getting easier and I don't hate it.
So I guess what I am saying is face those fears if you want to. You have already faced so many.
p.s. the mere thought of Cross Fit TERRIFIES me, so yeah you!
I'm a CrossFit girl who just finished the On-Ramp classes myself. I go to the group classes and I'm the fat, slow one who has everything scaled down and explained 50 times to me. It's hard on my ego, but I maintain that it's worth it. It's nice to see little improvements and I think CrossFit is great for mobility issues and well, *any* issue because there are so many functional movements. I also think (from personal experience) that having some sort of goal to focus on while depressed makes it easier because you have a Thing to work towards.
Hoping you're feeling better soon, no matter what you decide about CF. Take good care.
Neither blankets nor Crossfit will suit. Get the meds fixed, then once you are yourself again, make your decision with a clear mind.
I'm not sure what to make of the uncoordinated... but, I have very little flexibility, and as an adult, I learned to appreciate my tight joints for what they are - to some extent, there's a tradeoff between flexibility and strength/stability, and trained up, I have precision and power (especially short burst) in spades.
I believe that most flexible people are innately that way, and that it's simply not something that one learns to any large extent. Yes, training does help a little, but many people are apt to attribute their genetic gifts to diligent training.
It may be more productive to view your flexibility as simply another genetic trait, much as fast-twitch/slow-twitch is.
Thing 1: I kind of totally know what you're talking about, although with me it's mental agility rather than physical agility because I have ADHD which means that people told me I was lazy and stupid throughout my whole childhood. Fun times!!! I recently completed a master's degree in education so I could be all, "In your FACE!!!" And so I could make the world a better place, and whatever. Or something.
Thing 2: I'm also a belly dance teacher, and I have to tell you, don't feel bad about having trouble with movement. Plenty of people do, you're not the only one. If it takes a little extra time and effort for you to achieve your goals, then so what? You'll still achieve them, it will just take a little longer for you. I have had students who came to me so seriously super uncoordinated that I was afraid they were going to cause serious damage to themselves and others. And, lo and behold, they figured it out eventually. I think you can do it. =)
Hey Alice. First of all - I hope the uptake/not-reuptake jobbies get sorted out for you soon. That's no fun and I like you, so I would rather you not have to be on bad terms with your brain.
As for the classes - did you like them? It sounds like you did.
I personally HATE being bad at things. Why would I ever force myself to go through with something that I suck at (YOGA) when there are so many things to which I am naturally inclined? Like reading books, lounging under blankets and drinking beers? So I totally hear you on that score.
But if you did like it, and you liked the coaches, and you've been working on getting stronger and fitter for a long time already - maybe sticking with it would be the best thing for you. The very best feeling in the world is conquering that self-doubt of "I could never do that" and turning it into "Hot damn, look at me go!!"
I think you should try the private lesson thing and see if you hate it. If you don't, keep going.
My husband is a big fan of working out, going to the gym, blah blah blah. I am a big fan of sitting on the couch and telling him to have a fabulous time. He spends a fairly significant amount of time trying to talk me into going with him to the gym or even for a bike ride. He just got us a family membership to the Y - come with me! They have classes! And new equipment! And a pool! ....have a blast, I say.
Part of me believes it's because I just hate exercise (true). But mostly it's because I don't know what I am doing with those machines. I don't know form, I am so completely out of shape I wouldn't be able to do more than a rep, a lap, a whatever, and I'd look like a slobby uncoordinated jerk that all of the gym people snort at with the side-eye and he has no patience so I think he'd just make me feel worse. So I stay home.
You may not feel like you've made much progress, but you're already halfway along a path that I don't have the guts to start on. Everyone is entitled to blanket-time. I hope once you get some that you'll get back out there.
Hm. I would love to help by answering the question, but I can't help thinking this: what do you like? What sort of remotely exercise-ish activity do you like?
Then I think this: she's right - maybe when she's feeling better she'll be OK with private instruction, On Ramp, etc.
If you like this program, stick with it patiently until you are feeling better and can make a more fair assessment. OR, if you're giving it a good shot and you keep feeling crapola, then dump it. Totally. And think about what sounds fun - something you really enjoy - and try that. (like "hip-hop for 40-something ladies" - I KNOW - but at least there would be much laughing, right? Find an instructor (of whatever) who can appreciate that you move like *that*!)
Okay! I hope this was more helpful than wishy-washy.