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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« Au revoir à jamais | Main | I do what I'm told. »
Wednesday
May202009

Oh, six-and-half-year-old--you always know what I'm REALLY saying.

Please yell at me for waking you up. I deserve to be put in my place.

If you could slosh as much of your cereal as possible all over the table, that would be fantastic. Cleaning up after you makes me feel useful. When I ask you to help out, you know I'm joking, right? Hilarious!

Read you an entire book while you’re eating your breakfast? No problem—I secretly hate enjoying my coffee and breakfast in peace. Also I am DYING to know how this Magic Tree House book turns out. It’s never the same thing twice.

There’s no rush about getting to school. Put your shoes on whenever.

My raised voice is just an attempt to exercise my lungs. You keep not putting those shoes on, champ.

Of course I want to hear your story about the giant bug robots you invented! In fact I can’t wait another moment to hear it! I don’t want to hear it on the way to school, because then I’d be distracted by how on-time we could potentially be. Stand in front of the door while telling me. Don’t forget to take off one shoe, first!

Now put that shoe back on. But so slowly, it’s like you’re not even moving. You are so excellent at this.

While we’re walking to school, if you demand that you don’t want to go to school anymore, you might just convince me. Don’t give up. I will definitely see your point one of these days.

Now take off, without warning, because you’ve spotted one of your friends! Run and keep on running! Make sure I lose you in the crowd, because there is nothing I need more than to sprint the last few blocks to school. You are helping extend my life span, with all this exercise. Good for you!

While you’re at school, I will be filling your room with new toys and my pockets with chocolate. Or I won’t because I’m a heartless monster.

Well, hello! I trust you had a good day. I spent the day as I always do, watching Star Wars, eating hot fudge with my hands, playing with your Legos. But enough about me. Like you, I am so grateful the front of the school is surrounded by ice-cream trucks. It’s so convenient for me. For us! And I know I said you could only get ice cream once a week, but, you know, I say things. I don’t mean them. If you keep asking I will surely crack.

Do I want to hold your backpack AND your art project AND your jacket? Well, duh.

I can barely say “You can only watch two TV shows” with a straight face! You know that if you keep asking I’m going to admit that you can watch all the television you want. Why do I continue this charade? I guess it’s just fun for me.

That inflatable Spider-Man you got at the fair that keeps deflating? That I told you had a hole in it somewhere and probably needed to be thrown out? Another made-up story. I just want to inflate it every fifteen minutes, whenever you notice that it’s gotten all flat and saggy. When you’re not looking I let some of the air out again. Entertaining!

I lie about bedtime. I lie and lie and lie. I say it’s time for bed but we adults all know that sleep is completely optional. I don’t sleep at all, of course.

That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn.

I am truly sorry you didn’t get everything your heart desired, today. Try me again tomorrow. Your tactics are beginning to work. I have a feeling that tomorrow your every wish will be granted.

Reader Comments (185)

When you write about it I can see the humour in it.If I write about it people think I am about to jump off a bridge.I'm heading over to your sister's blog to re-read the top ten best things about grown-up kids. It's been keeping me going lately.Summer holidays right around the corner! Yeehaw!
May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
I love your posts, and miss you when you're not here.

Just thought you should know.... I will keep coming back....

after a post like this, I thought you deserved to hear from a lurker....
May 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjoanne
Karen, thanks for the tip! Are you implying that your children never ask for something twice after they've heard this magic "no" that you speak of?
May 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin
You are scaring me.Too funny. Thanks for the belly laughs.
May 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather @ Mama Sass
My friend just passed this along to me. Do you live with me and my 8 year old, 6 year old and 3 1/2 year old? Don't forget my husband. What I love most is sitting down and then being asked to get juice, milk, snack. Because I just never need to just sit down, right?
May 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan
Phew. We are normal. I hope, that is... are you the bar for normal? Because if you and Henry are, then we are. I hope you are.
May 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRae
Wow, and here I thought I was the only one with a child who terrorized my every moment. Thank god for blogs...

Here's hoping things change, although we both know they won't.
May 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMary @ Holy Mackerel
Gosh, I thought I was prepared after watching my bratty 6yo niece grow up. But 6 and a half is in a whole different league... now I'm scared.
May 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNot My Mother
I have never laughed so hard. . .
June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMom of Four
Golly Pete, you are a wonderful writer. Bravo!
June 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteranna parr
oh man! love this stuff!!
June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJasmine
I keep finding myself at Momma blogs searching desperately for a reason to have children. I'm not convinced. I might just go ahead with my stress free days. Thanks for your words of wisdom and your eloquent way of 'telling it like it is'.
June 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBethany
bad day? or just something for me to look forward to?
June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Football Wife
I'm not a mom but this gives me so much to look forward to! How am I going to say no to a child asking for ice cream when I want it every day?? What then?
June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBrandy
I'm just crying, I'm laughing so hard. This is exactly my life. :)
June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJill
Dear Alice,

You put all moms' daily struggles into such a hilarious perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you again. I've read this post at least once a day since it was written and have not stopped laughing over its accuracy.

Melissa, mom of Harrison, 4
June 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Hey Erin,

Actually, my son does not ask for things after he's been told no. He understands that my "no" means "no."

I seem to have touched a nerve here because my one little comment has generated several defensive responses.

I do have a sense of humor, but I don't find the whole "miserable mommy" routine very entertaining.
June 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
Soooooooooo good. Thank you for knowing exactly how it is!
June 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLea
Karen, I say no all the damn time. I say no to things that I should say yes to, purely for my own convenience. You are not alone.
June 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNaysayer
Oh god. This is my 4 year old! It's perfect.

How about "I love it when you spit out your half-eaten food on top of mine, because there's not enough dressing on your salad. Or you think you might have tasted a tomato in there somewhere. It saves me from having to chew so much, which of course makes me less tired so I can play with you more".
June 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterprc
I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at work....my coworkers must think I'm completely insane! thank you Alice, you kill me!
June 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersarah
You're marvellous and that WAS HILARIOUS.
June 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterfiona
Wow. We have twins separated at birth. Or something. Uncanny!
June 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWendy
oh my gosh you are so funny and so right!
June 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersusannah
Hilarious.
June 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica

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