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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Au revoir à jamais | Main | I do what I'm told. »

Oh, six-and-half-year-old--you always know what I'm REALLY saying.

Please yell at me for waking you up. I deserve to be put in my place.

If you could slosh as much of your cereal as possible all over the table, that would be fantastic. Cleaning up after you makes me feel useful. When I ask you to help out, you know I'm joking, right? Hilarious!

Read you an entire book while you’re eating your breakfast? No problem—I secretly hate enjoying my coffee and breakfast in peace. Also I am DYING to know how this Magic Tree House book turns out. It’s never the same thing twice.

There’s no rush about getting to school. Put your shoes on whenever.

My raised voice is just an attempt to exercise my lungs. You keep not putting those shoes on, champ.

Of course I want to hear your story about the giant bug robots you invented! In fact I can’t wait another moment to hear it! I don’t want to hear it on the way to school, because then I’d be distracted by how on-time we could potentially be. Stand in front of the door while telling me. Don’t forget to take off one shoe, first!

Now put that shoe back on. But so slowly, it’s like you’re not even moving. You are so excellent at this.

While we’re walking to school, if you demand that you don’t want to go to school anymore, you might just convince me. Don’t give up. I will definitely see your point one of these days.

Now take off, without warning, because you’ve spotted one of your friends! Run and keep on running! Make sure I lose you in the crowd, because there is nothing I need more than to sprint the last few blocks to school. You are helping extend my life span, with all this exercise. Good for you!

While you’re at school, I will be filling your room with new toys and my pockets with chocolate. Or I won’t because I’m a heartless monster.

Well, hello! I trust you had a good day. I spent the day as I always do, watching Star Wars, eating hot fudge with my hands, playing with your Legos. But enough about me. Like you, I am so grateful the front of the school is surrounded by ice-cream trucks. It’s so convenient for me. For us! And I know I said you could only get ice cream once a week, but, you know, I say things. I don’t mean them. If you keep asking I will surely crack.

Do I want to hold your backpack AND your art project AND your jacket? Well, duh.

I can barely say “You can only watch two TV shows” with a straight face! You know that if you keep asking I’m going to admit that you can watch all the television you want. Why do I continue this charade? I guess it’s just fun for me.

That inflatable Spider-Man you got at the fair that keeps deflating? That I told you had a hole in it somewhere and probably needed to be thrown out? Another made-up story. I just want to inflate it every fifteen minutes, whenever you notice that it’s gotten all flat and saggy. When you’re not looking I let some of the air out again. Entertaining!

I lie about bedtime. I lie and lie and lie. I say it’s time for bed but we adults all know that sleep is completely optional. I don’t sleep at all, of course.

That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn.

I am truly sorry you didn’t get everything your heart desired, today. Try me again tomorrow. Your tactics are beginning to work. I have a feeling that tomorrow your every wish will be granted.

Reader Comments (185)

I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I am such a mean mummy. The 8 year old and the almost one year old both think so, and tell me on a regular basis in various ways.

"That’s why I love it when you call for me at 4 a.m. because your sheets feel funny. I get so bored, just before dawn." This was my favourite bit too. Thank you.
May 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMummy Crit
I've been reading your blog for the longest time, but this my first time to leave a comment. You make be laugh out loud and for that I thank you very much. I have a grandson who turned 7 in April and relate to almost everything you write. You're wonderful! Just wanted to say that.
May 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDonna
This is so funny!
May 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLinda
Love this post! Very funny! Don't forget the snotty tissues that I love to hold for him! Or the fact that I am a human napkin!
May 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrace
Grading subliterate papers: $25/hourGiving a professional lecture: $100/hourFollowing my 3-year-old daughter around while she changes pajamas every 5 minutes and leaves the old ones on the floor: priceless.

And omigod, the earnest posters who tell you how to parent or describe motherhood as a privilege or suggest you just say no: also priceless, with deep discounts.

I don't think there's a vitamin for irony deficit, alas.
May 24, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
That is a terrific screenplay. It's almost as if you were describing motherhood.
May 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY
Gosh it's great to have something to look forward to! I was becoming bored with this 5 month old bundle.
May 25, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercrazylovescompany
Didn't you know that when the bell on the ice cream truck is ringing it means they have run out of ice cream? I thought everyone knew that....;)
May 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZen Zone Chick
I had NO IDEA my son (also 6.5) was living with you right now.
May 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAimee Greeblemonkey
You are brilliant and I love you.
May 25, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeredith
Love it love it love it.
May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCRah
What a great read - sounds exactly like my 6, soon to be 7 year old!
May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDina
f'ing brilliant!
May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteremily ruth
Alice - wow! You have succinctly described my life with my soon to be 5 year old. Bravo!

May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteramy
You and my son would get along SO WELL!! Too well but still...... I feel your pain.
May 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercj coats
OMG!!! Alice you live my life. However, I have a BRILLIANT 8 year old daughter that has all of the answers (and the attitude that goes along with that), another BRILLIANT 13 year old son (can you say SNARKY!!) and the MOST BRILLIANT 18 year old son that has relegated me to the trash... because I am so stupid, so dense, there is no hope.So Alice, deny me my beer. I dare you.
May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRobin Nowak
Oh, I have girl love for you. You are the meister of wit! The witmeister! I also have a 6 1/2 yr old struggling with his male lazy slower than syrup genetic makeup. How are all boys not eaten by their mothers? I too experienced the near dawn call that "Something's wrong with my bed!" Well, it could be the thrown up undigested hotdog you're laying in. I'm not positive though. And all this time I thought my kid was the only one who was slow with the shoes and living in a land where time is just a figment of my imagination. (I've got a constant "Hurry the fuck up! running right below the surface. I'm scared it's gonna slip out soon.) You've definitely put my fears to rest. Little boys are just oblivious whack jobs...not specifically mine.Girl love!
May 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer Roe
i'm breaking out the typing fingers because i can no longer remain silent. i must thank you for these posts. you've done a few that summarize the x-yr-old wonderfully and i appreciate them mightily. i'll be stewing along with my son (also 6.5) wondering if i'm losing it, is he possessed, is this normal...then wow! there it is. finslippy has summarized my son's behaviour to a tee and, who knew, he's normal. you are my standard bearer of normalcy and sanity. thank you.
May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWedje
Happy 40th tomorrow!!!!!!!!!
May 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRD
"No" and "If you ask me again, it will be NO for the rest of your life" works well for me. Your boundaries are yours and yours alone!
May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy
I'm just going to quote this right to my own kids if it's okay. I can credit you but they won't hear me. They'll be too busy asking me to clean up after them.
May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMom101
New reader here! I dont have kids yet but this post i was laughing so hard my stomach hurt! Thank you!
May 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdonna
This sounds so much like my day, are you sure you're not me. The only difference is there is also a 4 year old sister to increase the Mommie, Mommy, Mommy can I do this, can have this, can I go next door, do I have to go to school...but we seem to make it through the day, especially to hear Mommie I love you.
May 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny from the Blog
LOL LOL LOL! Haven't been by for awhile but this was so worth popping in! I forgot how you can really hit the nail on the wicked head!
May 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstarrlife

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