Now she's writing to a month. Oh dear me.

Dear March,

I'm just going to come right out and say it: you annoy me. You're sort of cold but not really cold but not warm enough to not wear a jacket but not the heavy jacket. Take a stand, March! Figure out what you want to be! You want to be winter, fine; I won't like it but at least I'd respect your choice. Or how about spring? You could be spring! Think of how much everyone would like you then! You'd be stealing the glory from April, but then, we all know what April can be like. Frankly I like her only a little more than I care for you. At least with April we get some flowers. Some budding on the trees. Something. What do we do have to look forward to from March? Shamrock Shakes? You can do better than that. Work on it, March!

I'm just looking out for you,

Alice

Hey Alice,

DANG, that is harsh. I guess you're right, though. I am super super lame. Dang. (Did I say that already? Duh, March, there it is.)

I want to make me better for you but I don't want to mess things up, you know? I was thinking, maybe I should warm up, like you said, but then I thought, uh, is that a good idea? Because of like global warming and stuff? See, I can't tell! I need like an advice-or or something like that. Someone who gives me advice? Advicor? That’s the word? I don't even know. I should have a dictionary or read a dictionary.

I wish I had never been created. By those Romans or whatever. Everyone's all talking trash about me, wishing I was April or May or even February. At least then you get chocolate.

But hey, I do have the first day of spring, even if I can't get it as warm as a princess like you would like. And what about Easter, which I got this year? That's chocolate-bunny day! Because Christ was born and he gave the Wise Men bunnies, and the bunnies turned to chocolate! Was that the story? Yeah! And don't knock St. Patrick's Day which is pretty much the Number One Holy Day for the Irish. You're going to piss off a whole race with your Shamrock-Shake talk. I got things going for me! Now that I think about it!

Suck on that!



--MARCH!

Comments

[Stephanie]

I agree so much about March. Sometimes it's both spring and winter in the same day. I'll go out in a skirt because it's so lovely out. Then it'll snow later in the day and everyone will look at me like, "are you high?" and I'll try to explain that it was 60 degrees earlier in the day, so it's absolutely normal that I'm the only one not wearing snow boots.

[EOMama]

Alice, thou makest me laugheth my arse off. Huzzah!

[claudia]

Oh dear. I loved that letter, but I am distressed that the words you have for March apply to much of April here in Minnesota. We're still under snow, nighttime temps in the teens and 20s, daytime temps above freezing maybe half the time. What I would do for some real slush and mud - at least that would mean a bit of warmth! Heck a few Memorial Days ago it was 40 degrees... yeah, we called off the picnic. I need to move. Thanks for the laugh, though!

[Kathy]

So right on. The weather here has been insane the past couple weeks. Just when you think it's settled down and we're coasting with highs in the low-60s, they're predicting 8 inches of snow.

[angelawd]

Mmmm, think I'll have a shamrock shake and some corned beef for breakfast.

March is the month when I start getting all the gardening catalogs and building a grand strategery for my back yard, which usually requires heavy digging and hauling by my husband.

My husband hates March.

[amypt]

March in Michigan is like the empty notebook you find in the bottom drawer of your dresser a few years after jamming sweaters across it's now wrinkled cover. Kind of messy, but all potential.

[Tara]

Alice, I was thinking THE SAME THING, but just hadn't gotten around to drafting my complaint letter to March yet. Was too busy composing correspondence to US Airways, who cancelled a flight on me, which required me to drive 5 hours home if I wanted to see my family before the weekend (true story!!).

I second (third, twentieth?) all the folks who said write to ALL the months. I'd love to hear what you have to say!! Even if it is to April, the month of two great dates for me: my wedding anniversary, and my son's birthday. :-)

[punchanella]

this just goes to show you how stupid march really is, the poor girl.

[Sus]

If I have to put tights and a long-sleeved onesie on my little girl under her Easter dress and sandals one more year, I may just give up. I'm so glad someone thought to finally let March know what a jerk she is.

[Ally]

Dear March,

Congratulations on getting Easter this year. You were talking about the story of why there are bunnies in Easter so I thought I would include a part of an Eddie Izzard sketch about Easter for your enjoyment. It is as follows:

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,



"Jesus died for your sins."

"Yeah, I know, it's great!”

“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”

“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."



And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!

[Anne]

Ally, I totally thought of Eddie Izzard's Easter story when I read this. :)

[smackdown]

that's totally my experience of march; i think it's even been prank calling my apartment.

although, i will gladly eat the cadbury eggs that appear this month.

[Suzanne]

I was born in March, and therefor doomed to be just as wishy-washy as the month itself. I can never make up my mind about anything... now I know why.

[Didi]

LOL this is great, I was actually just thinking about how much March sucks a few days ago. I love your blog, you should really write a book, a David Sedaris type thing , that would be great!

[Kirsetin]

You are so funny, and so right. I think that's exactly what March would say. And I have to echo the comments above about Easter: what are you doing here in March? Get back to April so we can have a egg hunt without snow, and wear fun dresses. This year, we'll all look like we're headed out to ski, for goodness sakes. Thanks for the laugh today.

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

Dear March in Colorado,

You are severely bipolar and must accept this fact.

Get. help. now.

Love, Aimee

[moosh in indy.]

I keep thinking "In like lion out like a lamb?" or "In like a lamb and out like a lion?" because it seems to me it's more like "In like a woman with PMS, out like a woman in labor without an epidural."

[lewlew]

Come to California! March is, like, awesome!

[Becky]

I have been writing to Winter and Spring. What's wrong with us??!?

[Charly Brown]

Normally, March in Alaska is pretty straight-forward. Snow, cold-ish, but starting to warm up. February is freezing, with light snow. April is all warm and melty. However, March this year has become delusional - yesterday, it started off in April and ended in February. Unfortunately, this has been the pattern so the whole of the month so far. I wonder what it would take to get a 5150 order for March, kinda like Brittney Spears got? She definitely needs a mental health evaluation. (March, that is, not Brittney - we all know SHE'S crazy.)

[courtney]

I agree! I live in the Pacific NW and March (and I admit April) are the worst for me. I am never dressed correctly. If I wear the wool coat, I am hot. If I wear the cut new trench without boots, I am cold. It's raining, no now it is sunny, but still only 40 degrees. ARGH.

[Christi]

Yeah, this whole "in like a lion, out like a lamb" thing totally gets on my nerves.

All of that blowing and fussing about...sort of reminds me of a middle-aged man in a Corvette. Can you say 'overcompensating'?

[Pam]

March in Jersey sucks. The arrival of Spring in March is a joke - Spring arrives around May 5 for 2 days of 70 degrees then BAM we get slammed with summer and humidity (which I actually love, but wouldn't mind a few more weeks of a real spring). Oh well - looking forward to retiring to Hawaii in 30 years and having one season - SUMMER!