Nothing to see here

It was four weeks yesterday that I had the miscarriage, and it's a milestone that's whapped me upside the head. I'm not doing so well, folks. Who knew? I thought by now I'd be moving on, and instead I'm right back where I started. I'm hoping that with therapy and time and some helpful pharmaceuticals, I will regain the ability to move through the day and its many challenges without crying or  unleashing my rage at some unwitting bystander (oh, my poor husband).  If posting is somewhat light over the next couple of weeks, you won't stop coming here, will you? Of course you won't. Stop nodding like that.

I've tried to respond to all the amazing emails I've received, but some have slipped through the cracks. And I'm realizing that taking care of myself might mean not spending hours giving back to everyone who was kind enough to open up to me. So if you don't get a response, please know that your email (and/or comment) was read and appreciated, and that I would write a response if I weren't so busy watching "What Not to Wear" episodes and staring at my hands. I lead a rich, full existence.

But did you know? I actually managed to compose my Alphamom column for last week, somehow. And that's not all! As you may have noticed over on the right-hand column, over there, I'm in the anthology "Sleep is for the Weak," (the best title ever in the history of anthologies, if you ask me) edited by the infinitely capable Rita Arens. I'm proud to be in such excellent company, and so glad that Rita persevered in her quest to get this book out. I can't wait to read it.

Comments

[Kristin (aka Krisco)]

I don't think a month is any time at all. You've just blinked. It's that much time.

I say wallow awhile longer. When you start to think, huh, maybe I kinda want to feel better now . . . then I am sure about that time you sometimes will. It will get better from there.

My own personal theories, not in any way backed up by scientific-sociological- psychological anything.

[Angie]

Hang in there and take your time - we'll be here when you are ready.

[rachel b]

Of course we will be here. And we'll keep checking back, excited whenever you post.

Four weeks isn't really that long, when it comes to important things like this.We don't expect emails back... we just want you to know we're beaming good wishes and chocolate cookies and hugs your way.

Give yourself permission to be sad..Now I'm off to buy those books!

[Tammy]

You take as long as you need. I'll always keep coming back. (Er, that was not intended to sound as creepy as it came out.)

[siobhan]

I dreamed last night that you and I were at the same party. I wanted to give you a hug. But didn't because I thought it might freak you out. So I patted you on the back.

*pats on the back*

See you when you're feeling better.

[siobhan]

I dreamed last night that you and I were at the same party. I wanted to give you a hug. But didn't because I thought it might freak you out. So I patted you on the back.

*pats on the back*

Take all the time you need.

[Badger]

Of course we'll keep coming here. You can't rid of us that easily, missy.You'll get there, eventually, wherever 'there' is. Just take your time, and remember that there are hoardes of your Internet stalkers - uh, I mean friends - who all think you're brilliant, funny, and very very brave.Lots of inappropriate badgery love xx

[Badger]

And I can't spell. I bet you can spell, even when you're feeling crappy.Hordes. Not hoardes. I work as a lexicopgrapher, dont cha know? Scary, huh?

[Badger]

Aaaarrgghh. Lexicographer. LEXICOGRAPHER.

I'll stop now.

[Leann]

Just breathe.

[Kim L]

{{{Alice}}} I'll miss you but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Congratulations on your inclusion in the anthology. I love your writing.

[Marie]

I've been thinking of you and feeling sad in sympathy. Oh yes, this does look familiar...the sadness, the pain, the rage, the depression... It's all there. A very reasonable response to a traumatic event.

It will eventually get better. There's just no rushing it, though. Be gentle with yourself, hon. Big hugs to you.

[jamie]

I thought the post was funny. I laughed. I was impressed that you could make jokes. For what its worth.

[sweetness6]

I was directed to your blog recently and after reading all your posts and comments on your miscarriage I felt compelled to write. You are so brave and strong to put it all out there for all to read. You are one incredible woman. I wasn't able to talk about it, but, to a few people that are close to me..and even then I fell to pieces. You have every right to feel all your feelings. I wanted to thank you for being so brave and writing this because it is helping me to hear your words and the comments from others that are trying to help YOU. I'm sure it is helping others too. I'm sure that is not much comfort at this time, but, I want to let you know you are AMAZING. Don't let anyone get you down! To get through this..take it one day at a time..one hour at a time if you have to. As you know with all the wonderful caring comments you have received, you are not alone. As you can see, so many of us will be here when you are ready to write. Now is the time for you to take care of YOU.

[emily]

I am so sorry that your baby is gone. It completely sucks in hollow, achy ways. It took me a long time to stop crying at random and not-so random times. Waaayyyy more than 4 weeks. Grocery stores seemed to be stuffed from aisle to aisle with pregnant women and newborns - at all times of the day! We went on a walk in the park every couple days - it seemed to help. I also played alot on mindless solitaire type computer games. I hope that you find a way to manage your pain and not let it suck you too far down. Wishing you some peace.

[lis]

I am loyal to you, lady. Loyal loyal loyal. I have suction-cupped my face to the emblem of finslippy that hangs atop my mantle. And from what I can tell, so has everybody else.

I'll be thinking of you, Alice, and sending you much love through the internet/nj turnpike/etc.

xo

[mandy]

miscarriages are hard. So much hope, so much disappointment and so many people that just don't understand or even seem to try sometimes.

Here, sending loving thoughts your way.

[Mom101]

Happy birthday Alice, as happy as it gets.

And God bless the pharmaceuticals.

[Cathy O.]

Hey there:

I can't remember how I found your website, but I love, love, love your writing. You make me laugh, think, and feel. Don't worry, lots of us will keep reading when you're ready to write.

[Marie]

Hello, I am delurking to tell you not to under-estimate the power of a "What not to wear" marathon to lift the spirits. I hope you saw the recent one where they ambushed the poor woman at the airport after a transcontinental flight and when they got to the part where they throw all her clothes away, Clinton unzipped her in-bound suitcase (while I screamed "don't do it" cause I knew what might happen) and sure enough he picks up the first garment and says, "what is this?" and then realizes its a big black pair of underpants (most likely ready for the laundry) .....the look on his fastidious face.....well that's some quality entertainment....made me laugh till I cried.I hope it can do the opposite for you.

Remember, light always follows darkness.Warm Regards

[edj]

"Sleep is for the Weak" is the best anthology title ever!

And, once again, don't worry about us. We're fine. You focus on healing.

[Johschmoh]

I, too, always want to turn to a book, find a solution. If you care to, here's a homework assignment: Mothering magazine has a number of articles online regarding grief and miscarriage. I found Solitary Sadness particularly helpful. We also have a copy of Tear Soup lying about the house; someone gave it to me when my sis and very best friend moved across the country. My 5 year old (a few weeks younger than your Henry) is actually quite taken with it. Whenever we have soup at home it is automatically "tear soup" for one reason or another. Oh, and wild elephants couldn't keep me away from me Finslippy.

[sunny]

I have only been reading this blog for about 3 weeks, so I look forward to checking in when you are having a great day.

[mama k]

((hugs))I'm right there with ya. I had a miscarrage the beginning of this month. Right before mother's day. Great timing, huh?Take all the time you need and grieve in what ever way you need to. I found it helpful to talk to some on-line ladies who had been through the same thing. Talking about it with friends and family, not so much.It sucks. Period. And it takes time to heal.

[Mauigirl]

Don't worry, you can take a break and we'll still be here. Thinking of you...

As for the raw cookie dough, sounds great, but I highly recommend just eating the Nestle's chocolate chips directly from the bag.