Home - Top Row


Home - Bottom Row

Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Oh, SNORP. | Main | The Verdict »

Note to my neighbors: What you heard through the pipes in your bathroom was not what you thought you heard.

During tonight’s pre-dinner hand-scrubbing, Henry was playing with two small plastic balls. The joy he felt at being allowed to bring these balls with him to the sink prompted the following series of enthusiastic declarations.

I’m going to wash my balls!

My balls are all wet now.

My balls are so slippery! Slippery with soap.

I will rinse my balls.

My balls are all nice and dry.

Now my balls are so clean.

Thank you and goodnight.

Reader Comments (46)

Note to self: do not read Finslippy while holding a coffee cup.
March 30, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterudge
When my son was 8 or so, my dad and I took him to Six Flags for the day. It turns out, he was too short to ride some of the major roller coasters (he bawled as we walked away from Batman) and my dad felt sorry for him so when the opportunity came to ride the Ninja, my dad spoiled him with six rides in a row (there were no line because the coaster is so darn painful). They were finishing up the fifth round and their car was slowly rolling in - I was standing on the ground looking up at them and asked, "Are you guys actually going again?" My dad - ever the humorist replied, "Yep. But this time we're riding naked", to which my son loudly added, "YEAH! We're gonna let our balls flop in the wind!!"
March 31, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
And because my brain is also 8 years old, I was laughing hysterically.
March 31, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterchasmyn
I have no idea how you have time to read all these comments, so I'll be surprised if you get to this one, but here goes.

My husband has a computer mouse with the roller ball thingy-ma-jig. Everyday my son, anywhere from 10 months to 15 months at the time, would get the ball off this desk and play with it. Each day my husband would come in from work and look for it so he could play on the computer. One day it was sticky where my sweet son had licked it after eating something...sucker, candy, dogfood, who knows?....

My husband turns to my son (my mother is in the room now, you just have to picture this) and says,

"son, have you been licking my ball?"

My mother had to get up and leave! We could hear her laughing in the other room. She is a very religious, churchy-churchy kind of lady so it was funny to us just to see her lose her cool!

Ok, that was my ball story!
March 31, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJerri Ann
My ball story: When I was a young child, my mother called a toy store and asked the salesman, "Do you have hippity-hop balls?" My aunt and grandmother were in the room listening, and they immediately cracked up. Poor Mom wasn't able to get off the phone quickly enough!
April 1, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBonnie
Thanks for that.
I went into the fine establishment known as the Rag Shop, looked the manager in the eye and asked him if he had styrofoam balls.

He had to wait until I stopped convulsing in fits of laughter on the floor before he answered me.
April 1, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterGinny
OMG, I thought only my urchins, Seek and Destroy, were capable of such hilarity. Thanks for making me laugh uproariously! I haven't fallen out of my chair like that in a long time--snorting all the way to the floor.

It's okay. I'm alright. Really, I am. It was worth wrenching my back.

I'll send you the bill.
April 1, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterPlanet Mom
My son was sitting in the bathtub exploring himself and suddenly looked up, joyful. "Daddy, the Magic School Bus is in there!" Pause. "There's two of them!"
April 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSisco
Jake: [holding up two tennis balls] What about these balls? Do they have sperms in them too?
April 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVery Mom
Ok, since everyone has a story, I might as well share mine too. When my niece was around six years old, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas. Promptly, she stated, "A woody." Minutes ticked by as my mouth stood agape but a mix of thoughts ran through my head ranging from, "Yeah, I'd like to have one of my own, but beggars can't be choosers! and "Where'd you learn that word?"" All I could squeak out was, "A woody?" to which she replied, "Yes, a Woody. A Woody doll from Toy Story."
April 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKerry
My sister-in-law told me the other day about hearing her two twin boys, age six, splashing in the bathtub. "I'll let you lick mine, if I can lick yours," she heard one say. "I don't want to lick yours," the other protested. "Come on, let me lick it, I said I'd let you lick mine," the first one insisted. Judy, in horror, pushed open the door to bathroom -- where the boys were happily eating lollipops.

April 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSBB
Yeah Kerry, I was at the McDonald's drive through when they had Toy Story toys in the Happy Meals. When I got up to the window I asked, do you have a Buzz because I already have a Woody.

The instant it was out of my mouth I realized what I had said. So did the teenager at the window. I just about died!
April 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
You people are killing me. Stop it. Stop it right now.

Okay, no, keep going. I love it.

I don't have a ball or a woody story. But I do have this:

I was in a production (high school but humor me and pretend it was off Broadway, okay?) of Stout-Hearted Men, playing the man hating school board member Miss Hatchett. On our first read-through, I was addressing the sweet Melody Trueheart about men and how evil they are.

My line was "Eschew the company of men for they are the minions of Satan."

Yeah, I read it as minions of Satin. After much laughter, our director, Miss L said "It's Satan, Dana, but they do like Satin as well."
April 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
be warned: if he takes them to the barbershop, he might get hair on his balls.
April 12, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterseannarae
At least once a day, out of the blue, I say "my balls are so clean" in what I imagine to be a Henry voice. Can't get it out of my head.
April 15, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterudge
I have to add my ball story:

My 3-year old announced to me that she LOVES to eat balls. Then she tells my husband, "I love crunchy balls, dad. I love them!" and then goes on with, "Mmmmmm...I sure do love balls!"

She was eating popcorn, and the "balls" were the kernals.
April 20, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterstewbie2
This reminds me of the time my sister and I made a dinner of balls. Melon balls, olives, meatballs, round potatoes, beets...anything that rolled. We watched our husbands for a reaction and....they didn't notice! But we laughed our asses off. Do they know what they are eating?
May 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercarol francisco
The team leader at my church was given a big movie theater cut out from the last Toy Story and he brought it in on a Sunday and placed it on the stage. When he got up to speak he looked at the cut out, crossed his arms, smiled and said 'I've always wanted to preach with a Buzz and a Woody'.There was a moment of silence then those of us with potty minds lost it. We have yet to let him live it down!!
June 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjust a girl
I laughed my contact lens right off of my eyeball. Damn you.

I'm so tempted to write a guitar accompaniment to the lyrics.

must resist.
July 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda
Hello, My name is T. . .and I'm computer illiterate (among other illiteracies I possess). Let me just say a couple of things quickly (while the 3 year-old eats his breakfast popsicle in front if the inane Nick Jr.): I stumbled onto this blog quite accidentally when I was googling "house centipede" and all I can say is: I feel as if I'm having a born-again experience reading each & every post. And the COMMENTS! I feel my very life becoming even more out of hand because now that I've found you I KNOW I'll spend hours PORING over current AND past posts, meanwhile forsaking any sort of normalcy around here. Note the JOY with which I type this -- hence, the born-again reference.

But this -- the balls thing -- anything I could add to this beautiful post would merely be redundant, except maybe for this: try adding twin 15 year-old boys & a 10 year-old boy into the mix when the 3 year-old talks about "big balls" "wet balls" "my balls" "ugly balls" "colorful balls" "dirty balls" and it's a wonder a normal conversation ever gets finished in this house. Thank you ALL so much for all of this -- I am at peace now.

Tell me you have a book coming out soon?!
September 19, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTherese Anderson

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>