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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Want to hear something funny? | Main | Here's the thing. »

Nor breath nor motion

Why, hello. And welcome! Welcome to my doldrums. I apologize for not fixing up the place, but there's been so much to do: sitting around, staring into space, muttering at the dog, attempting to nap. Making a sandwich and then halfway through forgetting about the sandwich and wondering why I'm standing there with a butter knife. Like that! So much.

Would you like some tea? I think I have some, somewhere over here. Of course making tea means heating up water and finding the tea bags and. What? Was I saying something?

Why are you jumping on the couch? No, no, that's not a ferret scurrying out from under the couch to attack you. That's a dust bunny composed of the intermingling of Charlie and Izzy's fur. Sorry about that. I would have vacuumed but the vacuum cleaner is so heavy, and who can figure out how to plug stuff in? It's like you need a science degree for that. With the larger prong and then the other one. Why not just one prong? I ask myself that more than you would imagine.

And yes, I was wearing these sweatpants the last time I saw you, thanks for asking. Stained, are they? Huh. None of my pants fit me, if you must know. This is frustrating. But then, at least I don't have a stupid ass face like you do.

Whoa! Where did that come from? I'm sorry. Your face is not even a little assy. Pants are a sensitive topic for me. As are shirts. Also, life. Can you just sit over there and avert your eyes?

I know the phone is ringing. It does that. It will stop, don't worry.

Also, just so you know, if you ask me how I'm feeling I may start screaming and not stop until you leave. I'm just getting a little weary of that question, is all. I feel like having a sandwich, is how I feel. If only I could work through how that's done, again.

Time for you to go? Lucky! I'm glad at least one of us can enter and depart as we please. If it's anyone, it should be you, and I mean that. Sorry about the, you know, dust bunnies, and the insults. Next time you come, we'll find some cups, and then we'll drink some water, maybe with ice cubes! Now if you don't mind, I'm kind of wiped out. You can open the door yourself, right? I thought so. Next time you're here, you'll have to show me how that's done.

Reader Comments (146)

I'm so sorry, Alice. I hope the fog lifts soon.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMandy
Oh, Alice. That post was heartbreaking.

It's okay to take all the time you need. It's okay to feel the way you feel and to grieve however you need to. One day, it will also be okay to feel happy again, but there's no rush.

Hugs and chocolate to you, Scott, and the young Jedi.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwonderer
As usual, eloquent post. It brings back a lot of painful memories. Going to work like nothing happened (no one there knew yet), hearing about people with pregnant nieces, etc, SO hard. Having to deal with family members' sympathy, also hard. Really didn't want to deal with anything at all, not unconscious cruelty, sympathy, cleaning, showering, sandwiches... I'm so sorry. I wish I could help you.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlesli
Sending lots of warm-blanket and hot chocolate (spiked with your choice of yummy boozy treat) thoughts. I'm so sorry. I miss your posts, but I understand. Come back when you're ready, there's no rush. But I hope, for you, that it's soon.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
I can bake you cookies or send you Amish friendship bread. Email me if you need them. If that is too much work, I suppose I could catch the next flight to Jersey and wander around until I find you!

I am ever so sorry.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
Hi Alice,

Ice and cubes are hard to muster when you're dealing with loss. I also found it hard to deal with showering, combing of the hair, non-alcoholic drinks, the sun, stupid people (and surprisingly, there were many after my mother died - much more so than before) and many other things that you haven't mentioned but may actually pop up to become your arch nemesis's (or is it nesesi) as well.

Keeping your sense of humour is good, writing is good, screaming is excellent.

My family and I were in a head on collision with a drunk driver on Mother's Day. I'd like to invite you to join me alone in a room with the drunk asshole - we'll each have our baseball bats to help alleviate our feelings anger (and sadness).

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there!
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSharon
Maybe, I could come over and let you yell at me for a while? Whenever I have been in a place that felt much like this place you are in, having someone to yell at for a while, and then maybe rub my back after, helps.I'm not offering hugs, only because I know, it hurts when people touch your skin.Internet love is coming your way, however, whether you like it or not.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermeg
I, from the bottom of my heart agree with all the folks here. Your pain is palpable and understandable. I want to share a story, not to try to snap you out of it as I don't think it's possible or the right thing to do. Just a perspective check, that's all. No guilt in how you may or may not feel about the story.

I grew up in Chester, Ca. Very small town in the Sierra Nevada mountains of northern CA. My Mom is a high school teacher there. One of her senior students as well as her prom date were stabbed to death by another senior boy. Her Mom found them. She then called her 20 year old son, UC Berkeley student and he raced home. On his way home, he wrecked his car and died the next day. The double funeral was yesterday on the high school football field. This divorced mother and the entire community is stuck in an horrifying nightmare that will never end. True story... google it.

My only goal is to interject a very small whisper of an idea that you will be ok, that there is great pain in the world, but that Henry is ok, and your husband is ok and that you are ok. It's all gonna be ok.

xoxox to you.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteranother perspective
Some days are worse than others.

But I guess that means some days are better than others, and that's something.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTherese
Oh sweetie.Watch nothing but comedies.Don't get drunk. (It'll only make things magnify)Take any help offered to you and don't feel guilty for it.Take sleep medication if you are having trouble with it.Talk to people who can just sit and listen.

May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKrissa
so sorry.after saying that i'm trying to sit quietly as long as i can.and i'm bringing you a cyberworld casserole. it's made with yogurt and five kinds of grain alchohol. goes down easy and no chewing required.i'm still i'm showing myself out.take care.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLindaloohoo
See, now, I thought it was funny. But then, I live in the doldrums most of the time, too.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJulie @ Letter9
Nodding my head. I sure do remember experiencing exactly what you are describing in your humorous way! That sounds like a contradiction in terms, tho..that I remember not remembering.
May 21, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterlisa
I found this post hilarious (and heart wrenching- I'm not trying to be evil here). I love that at the bottom of life, when things are really really bad, there are little nuggets in the muck that shine so brightly. Black humor is one of them, irony another, they seem to say: 'Yes! Life is total crap right now, but if you squint and turn your head slightly like this, you can write about it without throwing up. Fun!'

I wish you peace.

May 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy
Losing a baby is like being at an amusement park. You find someone to go with and wait in line for your turn. You sit down, buckle in and hold on tight. You get to the top of the huge drop and then everything stops. The cart stops. You sit and wait, already braced for the last click before you swoosh down the hill...but there you sit. You have to sit and wait when you should be releasing all of the energy of the moment. You wait while the card is slowly brought back to the ground. You exit the ride and then still have to walk through the park surrounded by hundreds of other people who are exuberantly chatting about their magnificent ride.

You didn't get to have the ride. You were totally ready to take the ride and you didn't get to do it. You are sad.

My roller coaster cart broke down too. It hurt me.

I don't want to say anything that will land me on the list of people who just said the wrong I will just stop writing and push the Post button.

-Inventing Matilda
May 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterInventing Matilda
Ok, I just played a game of catch up.1. I'm sorry2. I've been there, more than once3. Before the viewing for our daughter, still born at 28 1/2 weeks, I called my MIL and said this, "I have had the equivalent of 4 margaritas. Don't worry Shawn already took out the empty bottle so Grandpa won't see it."4.Do what you have to do to get through.

May 25, 2008 | Unregistered Commentercc
I've actually been reading back from today. Today as in 6-21 and I thought this was dryly hilarious. I get that it comes from crappy place but it's enjoyably creative. I'm at and have a readership of non-blog readers + my parents, luckily they're divorced so I can get more hits from step-family. I knew this divorce that ripped my family to shreds would payoff. See dry humor!
June 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJenny Isenman

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