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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Want to hear something funny? | Main | Here's the thing. »

Nor breath nor motion

Why, hello. And welcome! Welcome to my doldrums. I apologize for not fixing up the place, but there's been so much to do: sitting around, staring into space, muttering at the dog, attempting to nap. Making a sandwich and then halfway through forgetting about the sandwich and wondering why I'm standing there with a butter knife. Like that! So much.

Would you like some tea? I think I have some, somewhere over here. Of course making tea means heating up water and finding the tea bags and. What? Was I saying something?

Why are you jumping on the couch? No, no, that's not a ferret scurrying out from under the couch to attack you. That's a dust bunny composed of the intermingling of Charlie and Izzy's fur. Sorry about that. I would have vacuumed but the vacuum cleaner is so heavy, and who can figure out how to plug stuff in? It's like you need a science degree for that. With the larger prong and then the other one. Why not just one prong? I ask myself that more than you would imagine.

And yes, I was wearing these sweatpants the last time I saw you, thanks for asking. Stained, are they? Huh. None of my pants fit me, if you must know. This is frustrating. But then, at least I don't have a stupid ass face like you do.

Whoa! Where did that come from? I'm sorry. Your face is not even a little assy. Pants are a sensitive topic for me. As are shirts. Also, life. Can you just sit over there and avert your eyes?

I know the phone is ringing. It does that. It will stop, don't worry.

Also, just so you know, if you ask me how I'm feeling I may start screaming and not stop until you leave. I'm just getting a little weary of that question, is all. I feel like having a sandwich, is how I feel. If only I could work through how that's done, again.

Time for you to go? Lucky! I'm glad at least one of us can enter and depart as we please. If it's anyone, it should be you, and I mean that. Sorry about the, you know, dust bunnies, and the insults. Next time you come, we'll find some cups, and then we'll drink some water, maybe with ice cubes! Now if you don't mind, I'm kind of wiped out. You can open the door yourself, right? I thought so. Next time you're here, you'll have to show me how that's done.

Reader Comments (146)

come on over. i have a warm cup of tea, clean house, and new pants waiting for you.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentershannon
Wishing you some peace of heart. You're breaking mine over here.

Take care of yourself. If a sandwich is too hard, just eat the bread straight out of the package. You know, nothing fancy. But sustenance.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I would just like to open an invitation to come to Austin Texas and hide. I have walls that are good for staring at, a couch good for sitting, and a dog good for petting. You can also sit outside and sweat it out, as it's hotter than a muthah out there right now. Let me know if you'd like to come look at my dustbunnies!
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaty
I'm sorry. Don't worry about the dust bunnies. I'd make you a sandwich, if I could.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Hugs from Tel Aviv....

And water from the tap, without ice cubes and hell, even without a glass, is just fine.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGila
I'm going, I'm going! Sorry to barge in. I just wanted to say "Hi". I don't know why I was giving you crap about stained sweats, at least you were wearing pants, that's more than I can say about myself.

Thanks for letting us know you are still around and kicking.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPrettyneato
Dust bunnies are an important part of the household ecosystem.

Continue to inhale and exhale, preferably in an alternating way and everything else will take care of itself. Or it won't. So?

It never gets all better, but soon, there will be entire *seconds* where you don't think about it.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJocelyne
I'm so sorry Alice.

I'm wishing you peace in your heart and your mind.

Nap. Cry. Do the rest when you feel like it, the dust bunnies are good company.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
What a beautiful bunch of comments. I hope they provide just a glimmer of comfort.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLynn in Tucson
Amazingly, you've still got a handle on the funny. You are one strong lady.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Alice, go take a nap while I make your sandwich for you. I leave it on the counter and let myself out. Don't worry about the dust bunnies; their kind of cute...and the sweatpants are fine too and who needs ice with their water. It's overrated.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Ah, yes. THAT feeling. I know it all too well. Sorry it made an appearance in your home, but don't be too quick to make it leave, either. It helps, funny enough, to heal a lotta pain underneath.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterC-Rah
I wish I knew something, anything, to say to help you. Your sadness makes my heart ache, Alice.

You deserve every happiness life has to offer.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKriss
Oh, Alice, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Yet, thank you writing so precisely and beautifully. I've read your posts thinking, "Yes! That's exactly the way I felt after my miscarriages," but had no way to articulate it. And with my last miscarriage, I could only refer to it obliquely in my blog because I knew people at work were reading it. So I had/have no outlet, except through you. Not that I would ever in a million years asked you to do that for me/us. I wish I knew what to say...but if I were there, I'd fix us a good stiff drink. Or 20.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCynthia
Oh gosh, I was babbling in that last comment. Sorry. Except for the part about fixing drinks. That I would do, then show myself out.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCynthia
Thinking about you and wishing you peace.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelsey
Dear, sweet Alice. Big hugs and kisses to you.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie
Ham or turkey? I'll make you a sandwich.....the dust can wait. So can clean sweat pants and everything else.........

Sending healing thoughts your way.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAshlea
Oh man, I am sorry. I wish I could give you cookies. Cookies don't require butter or knives or even ice. I hope that my cookie wish helps.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNot On Fire
I'm so sorry, Alice. Sending love your way.

You are a truly gifted writer. It doesn't make it better, and I feel like a bit of an ass face for going on this tangent, but it's amazing how well you've captured 'what it's like'. That bit about the phone made me burst in to tears. Thank you for letting us all stop by. You are so awesome and I'm so sorry you're hurting so very much.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura
Yep. Great post. I'm just amazed you could figure out how to work the computer, what with its many keys :). Seriously though, feel free to limit your activities to sitting on the couch and drinking hot cocoa (or cold chocolate milk, if it's hot there). You don't have to impress anyone. Promise. We get it.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermfk
So the secret of Tom Cruise's couch jumping is finally revealed. Dust bunnies.

Thinking a good thought for you.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteranne nahm
The dust bunnies, oh well. I'm so sorry. We are none of us very good at either grieving or comforting. The only thing I have is to tell you to simply honor however you feel in any given moment, however that may be. And if you don't even know how you feel, honor that too. And if you don't even want to feel, that's okay too.
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
I'll make you a sandwich! and bring some wine too....
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterashley
I'm so sorry :(
May 20, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramy

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