More about...the intruders
July 29, 2011I can just tell that you're all dying to know how Apocalouse 2011 is coming along. And I am dying to tell you.
The update is thus: having read the entire Internet in a matter of hours, I figured out that the best method was the ol' Pantene-conditioner-and-comb shimsham. I mixed in some baking soda, because someone somewhere recommended that, and I figured it couldn't hurt. Baking soda never hurts! And always helps! Is there anything baking soda can't do? I take it for my nerves!
I also ordered this fancy German lice comb, the Nisska, because that's what the pros use. And LICE LAUGH AT AMATEURS.
The first night I combed out my son's hair, it took about two hours, and I spent most of the time crying and screaming. This is not at all true. Actually he watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and I gave Scott significant looks every time I wiped the comb clean and found colonies of nits. But no live lice! So that's something….?
We did it again the next night, and there were definitely far fewer nits. That there were any at all amazes me. But fewer, that's something! Right? Oh, God!
The day after that I checked my own head, and what do you know! Nits! I smashed the apartment until everything was rubble. Then I did the conditioner-and-comb routine on myself. By the way, Pantene smells like the worst perfume you could ever imagine. I'm used to my all-natural, touch-of-rosemary conditioner, and this stuff smells like I'm putting my grandma on my head. Actually both of my grandmas smelled better than Pantene. Scott went out and bought another cheap white conditioner, and what do you know, it smelled just as much like a funeral home. Why?
ANYWAY. Once I found out that I was horribly infested as well, I figured, let's be thorough, and after taking a hefty dose of tranquilizers, I combed out Scott's hair. Need I tell you what I found? I had already spoken to one of the Lice Ladies of Brooklyn, and she was lovely and caring and seemed to think that I didn't particularly need her help, now that I had the fancy comb and the mental illness required to obsessively groom one's family. She had mentioned that men rarely get lice, because of the testosterone. I found this logic specious, to say the least, especially because I know plenty of men--virile specimens all!--who've fallen victim to lice, but while I combed out Scott's hair he was crying like a little girl, so maybe she had a point?
I'm joking, of course. When I showed him the nits in his hair, he merely grunted, poured lighter fluid on his head, and asked where the matches were. Good thing we couldn't find them! It turns out that lice love fire.
So that's where we are now. Tonight we will embark on another family-time combing adventure, while we watch several movies. And we will do the same tomorrow. And the next day. I don't see this ever ending.
Reader Comments (56)
My daughter had lice last fall and it was TERRIBLE! I used the super toxic shampoo, plus high-tech nit comb for like five days in a row. And, then, she broke her arm and I was, like, well, the nits just have to be dead now because I can't care about them anymore because I just witnessed my child's limb dangling from her body in a really grotesque way. And, you know what? The lice Gods decided, "yeah, this lady needs a break."
Ah! Family bonding.
Happy nit-picking!
oh man! suckage. Godspeed those lil things out of yr home!
I'm not laughing, really.
Laughing out loud at a table by myself at Roma Pizza. Thanks for making me look like a crazy person.
My lovely daughter got lice (or LICES as she called them) in the winter. While I thought I would DIE before we could kill the little critters, I did try a bunch of different things. Most were considered homeopathic, because she has bad asthma, so I was worried about using anything too toxic on her. The thing that worked best...........Slathering her waist-length hair in mayonnaise (too disgusting to even comprehend) and having her sit with it piled under a plastic shower cap for about 2 hours, then washing it all out with vinegar. IT WORKED! (Happy to post a picture for a laugh!)
Since then, we use Suave Rosemary & Mint shampoo & conditioner exclusively (I have been told lice are repelled by both of those smells). I guess the people at Suave heard that, too, and now make the product! It seems to be helping.......and we cut her hair off, that helped! GOOD LUCK!
Came across the address to your blog in a Norwegian magazine. Just wanted to say that I love your style, love your posts and I'm now subscribing :) Keep up the good work :)
I'm pretty sure that I had lice at some point as a child (I have vague recollections of being repeatedly nit-combed over a several-day period) and I do not have lice now. So, rest assured - it will end eventually! P.S. I am 32 now.
I am now terrified of sending my son to camp. I have always been scared of lice, probably because I have long hair and I'd hate to cut it off because of bugs. Thank goodness you are checking each other early!
My niece got lice several times when she was a teenager (from her friends? camp? I don't know), and because I had better eyesight than her mother she asked me to help her comb through it. I don't think we even bothered with the lice shampoo after the first time, just combed through it with a regular plastic lice comb and I actually pulled each hair that had a nit on it OUT to make sure the little suckers were really gone (this may not be a good thing to do for a really bad case until most of them have been combed out). I had to go through her hair completely at least twice each time but that seemed like a lot less work than anything else I tried. Sometimes it's hard to see the nits that are really close to the scalp; a really bright light helps. Hang in there, they'll be gone eventually!
Hilarious, gross, and so well-written. What more can a reader ask for? (Other than that my own empathetic scalp stop itching.)
I checked out the Nisska link and I love that they recommend "A sense of humor!" as part of the recipe for delousing.
I'm going out to eat with my hubby in a bit and way to fuel my appetite. Not that I couldn't stand to lose a few pounds anyway...
I vote baking soda!
I am suddenly very nervous about hugging you at BlogHer...
In fact, I think maybe I won't hug ANYONE at BlogHer. Just in case.
Olive oil on the hair, shower cap on top of that, then wrap the whole thing in a towel and (try to) go to bed for the night. Wash it out with the aforementioned Suave Rosemary and Mint and use your magic nit comb. The olive oil will rinse out much more easily than mayo, and worked great for us.
I love that one of the adds at the side says "What is Head Lice?" and then tells you to click "here" for pictures. It's like they really know your audience Alice.
I am so so sorry this has befallen your house. I heard someone say they put all their kid's stuffed animals in the freezer to kill the lice that may be breading on them once. Not sure if this worked. How long do you think you could stand with your head in the freezer?
We went ahead and used Nix. It was gross but it worked. We had a school policy of "no nits" and I had to move fast. For the stuffed animals, we put everything in those oversized ziplock bags for 6 weeks. The combing takes forever though. I was encouraged to cut them out, but I was nervous about how weird she would look. How would Henry look with a buzz cut? Good luck.
Went through this a year ago with our TEEN son who has shoulder length long hair. Night-freaking-mare. Me and my daughter all ended up getting the bastards too. I don't know if it helped, but in some desperate attempt at not losing my mind, I read they hate coconut. So, I bought Suave coconut shampoo and conditioner.
Did it help? No freaking clue - they're gone now, so I don't even care. BUT? The smell isn't grandmotherly anyway.
A hairdresser friend of mine once told me that lice can only survive on hair that hasn't been treated. I love your shade of grey but if you've had enough maybe you could use dye (and scream die! die! die! while you do it). Maybe not on Henry's head though. I'm sure he's cool and all but a little young. Good luck with ugh... everything!! i
Gah, I know you're not looking for advice, but I feel compelled to share ... 1) we used Nix + everyday combing for 2 weeks, followed by 2x/week for the rest of the month, followed by weekly combing for the next 2 months (yes, I am crazy) (and, 8 months later, am known to still pick around in my daughter's head -- I must have been a monkey in a past life); 2) hired a lice expert who had some sort of nifty new hairdryer/lice treatment system that was supposed to dessicate the bastards; 3) used a blowdryer after each shower (supposedly the air + heat makes nits non-viable); 4) continue to use "Fairy Tales" shampoo/conditioner/spray; and 5) pull hair back in a braid always. And I'm sure you've found that combing under natural daylight lets you see them the best.
I should make a powerpoint. Good luck getting through this. It drove me insane, but we finally got rid of them.
My fingers are trembling as I type this, but I'm going to write it anyway: we've never had lice. I've just cursed myself, I know. And when I am posting about our (imminent) visitors, I can only hope to have a line as good as "this stuff smells like I'm putting my grandma on my head."
Aw, Alice, I'm sorry.
We had lice spread through the house when I was a kid (8 siblings!). Manic cleaning of linens, hairbrushes, furniture and heads ensured and they did go away. It was summer, so my brothers just got buzz cuts and the girls cut our hair into cute bobs just to make the combing easier.
Good luck.
* ensued.
Do the Cetaphil thing. Look it up online. It works!
I commented on your last post, but am having flashbacks now...its PTSD I tell you! Obsessively picking, crying, oy. I agree re: having a sense of humor, though I only developed that in the recounting of the story to others, long after it happened. Pulling out the clippers on my sweet scruffy boys was, in the end, the key to my peace of mind. My shoulder length hair (which had no signs of "life" but was put through the NIx process nonetheless) made me happier at chin length and in a ponytail to boot. I knew they couldn't fly, but I wasn't taking any chances. And my distinguished looking bald husband just watched it all go down from his hairless vantage point, reminding us that in this case, bald really was beautiful.